I would like to re-introduce myself...

[Colin Cameron]

Hello fellow friends of Jesus,

My name is Colin and I after being confirmed as a gay Euro Soccer fan, I have been on a strict mission with my Pastor to ensure that I avoid Satan's whispers and become a hetrosexual again.

I have avoided soccer altogether now and concentrate on teabagging for old ladies in the remote areas. I also have my Bible close by in case Satan is up to his old tricks.

Its was not easy though, but today I found myself attracted to a woman and now plan to make as many soldiers of Christ - after marraige of course!

However I need to pluck up the courage to speak to her first! As this is a first time for me, any advice is welcome.

Anyway, special thanks to my Pastor for helping me and this forum for finding my shortcomings. Jesus is with me now and thanks to Our Lord.

1 Corinthians 1:30But of him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption:
Colin Cameron

[Dan U. Holier]

Re: I would like to re-introduce myself...

Praise the Lord for another soul seeking for salvation!

I know how you feel, Mr. Cameron; as a redeemed uppity eurotrash and catlick I remember those days when I was turning up my nose at McDonald’s and worshiping false idols with disgust!

Keep on teabagging for the Lord!!!

[Faith_Machine]

Re: I would like to re-introduce myself...

Colin, congratulations on being an ex-gay!

I'm a little concerned, however, about this "teabagging" you speak of.

Isn't that some type of primarily homosexual practice where you touch a person's head or face with your testicles?

I can understand that in your zeal to prove your new found heterosexuality, you may think it's a good idea to "teabag" old ladies, but if you're not married to a lady, then "teabagging" her is definitely a form of premarital sex, which is clearly prohibited by God:

1 Corinthians 7

1Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.

2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.

3Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.

4The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

5Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

Mind you, I am not suggesting you should marry an old lady and then teabag her. Old ladies are not fertile, and therefore incapable of bearing fruit for the Lord.

Furthermore, even if you do find yourself a nubile, young, fertile wife, you will not succeed in impregnating her by touching the top of her head with your family jewels.

You've come a long way, friend, but it's clear you still have much to learn.

[Colin Cameron]

Re: I would like to re-introduce myself...

Much to learn, I have no doubt. But the willingness to become a True Christian and desire to remain a hetrosexual who rejects Satan (and soccer) is strong through hard work and faith in Jesus.

Proverbs 21:25The DESIRE of the slouthfull killeth him: for his hands refuse to labour.
Thank you all for your support.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: I would like to re-introduce myself...

Hello fellow friends of Jesus,
My name is Colin and I after being confirmed as a gay Euro Soccer fan,

It's the balls that do it. That and the 'onion bag' analogy for the sudden penetration of the goalmouth

Soccer, with its sweaty young men and the close contact with other males in the arena, is your downfall.

Face it. Your team is a load of garbage, the tickets are a waste of money and your lifestyle encourages perversion.

[Colin Cameron]

Re: I would like to re-introduce myself...

It's the balls that do it. That and the 'onion bag' analogy for the sudden penetration of the goalmouth

Soccer, with its sweaty young men and the close contact with other males in the arena, is your downfall.

Face it. Your team is a load of garbage, the tickets are a waste of money and your lifestyle encourages perversion.

I completely agree my friend, but I do not have a team any more as I have completely burned my ties with the homosexual sport.

My main sporting interest these days involves puching queers. As a former homer, I am able to track down these sodomites and instead of giving them a good rodgering, I give them a good punching.

[Humongous]

Re: I would like to re-introduce myself...

what in the name of corbin bernsen is a euro soccer?

Jesus loves football. period!

[Trent Harvey, Jr.]

Re: I would like to re-introduce myself...

However I need to pluck up the courage to speak to her first! As this is a first time for me, any advice is welcome.

Don't speak to HER. Speak to her owner, which at this moment is her father. Marriage is very simple, in Deuteronomy 22:28-29 the Bible explains how to get a wife in very clear terms. Note that you'll want to check with your local bylaws first. Since there are very few places where Biblical Marriage is legal, you might want to join the military, or better yet a Private Military Contractor, and take a foreign wife as detailed in Numbers 31:15-18.