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  • Colin Cameron
    Unsaved trash, gay euro soccer fan
    • Jun 2010
    • 69

    #1

    I would like to re-introduce myself...

    Hello fellow friends of Jesus,

    My name is Colin and I after being confirmed as a gay Euro Soccer fan, I have been on a strict mission with my Pastor to ensure that I avoid Satan's whispers and become a hetrosexual again.

    I have avoided soccer altogether now and concentrate on teabagging for old ladies in the remote areas. I also have my Bible close by in case Satan is up to his old tricks.

    Its was not easy though, but today I found myself attracted to a woman and now plan to make as many soldiers of Christ - after marraige of course!

    However I need to pluck up the courage to speak to her first! As this is a first time for me, any advice is welcome.

    Anyway, special thanks to my Pastor for helping me and this forum for finding my shortcomings. Jesus is with me now and thanks to Our Lord.

    1 Corinthians 1:30But of him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption:
    Colin Cameron
  • Dan U. Holier
    True Christian™
    True Christian™
    • Jul 2011
    • 1180

    #2
    Re: I would like to re-introduce myself...

    Praise the Lord for another soul seeking for salvation!

    I know how you feel, Mr. Cameron; as a redeemed uppity eurotrash and catlick I remember those days when I was turning up my nose at McDonald’s and worshiping false idols with disgust!

    Keep on teabagging for the Lord!!!
    Ask not what your Lord can do for you. Ask what you can do for your Lord.


    ... your choice entirely (Matthew 12:30)

    Comment

    • Faith_Machine
      Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
      True Christian™
      • Mar 2011
      • 10050

      #3
      Re: I would like to re-introduce myself...

      Colin, congratulations on being an ex-gay!

      I'm a little concerned, however, about this "teabagging" you speak of.

      Isn't that some type of primarily homosexual practice where you touch a person's head or face with your testicles?

      I can understand that in your zeal to prove your new found heterosexuality, you may think it's a good idea to "teabag" old ladies, but if you're not married to a lady, then "teabagging" her is definitely a form of premarital sex, which is clearly prohibited by God:

      1 Corinthians 7

      1Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.

      2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.

      3Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.

      4The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

      5Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

      Mind you, I am not suggesting you should marry an old lady and then teabag her. Old ladies are not fertile, and therefore incapable of bearing fruit for the Lord.

      Furthermore, even if you do find yourself a nubile, young, fertile wife, you will not succeed in impregnating her by touching the top of her head with your family jewels.

      You've come a long way, friend, but it's clear you still have much to learn.
      WARNING:
      In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
      REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

      Comment

      • Colin Cameron
        Unsaved trash, gay euro soccer fan
        • Jun 2010
        • 69

        #4
        Re: I would like to re-introduce myself...

        Much to learn, I have no doubt. But the willingness to become a True Christian and desire to remain a hetrosexual who rejects Satan (and soccer) is strong through hard work and faith in Jesus.

        Proverbs 21:25The DESIRE of the slouthfull killeth him: for his hands refuse to labour.
        Thank you all for your support.

        Comment

        • Ezekiel Bathfire
          Pastor for Diversity and Tolerance
          Christ's Rottweiler
           
          • Jan 2008
          • 22898

          #5
          Re: I would like to re-introduce myself...

          Originally posted by Colin Cameron View Post
          Hello fellow friends of Jesus,
          My name is Colin and I after being confirmed as a gay Euro Soccer fan,
          It's the balls that do it. That and the 'onion bag' analogy for the sudden penetration of the goalmouth

          Soccer, with its sweaty young men and the close contact with other males in the arena, is your downfall.

          Face it. Your team is a load of garbage, the tickets are a waste of money and your lifestyle encourages perversion.
          sigpic


          “We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

          Author of such illuminating essays as,
          Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.

          Comment

          • Colin Cameron
            Unsaved trash, gay euro soccer fan
            • Jun 2010
            • 69

            #6
            Re: I would like to re-introduce myself...

            Originally posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post
            It's the balls that do it. That and the 'onion bag' analogy for the sudden penetration of the goalmouth

            Soccer, with its sweaty young men and the close contact with other males in the arena, is your downfall.

            Face it. Your team is a load of garbage, the tickets are a waste of money and your lifestyle encourages perversion.
            I completely agree my friend, but I do not have a team any more as I have completely burned my ties with the homosexual sport.

            My main sporting interest these days involves puching queers. As a former homer, I am able to track down these sodomites and instead of giving them a good rodgering, I give them a good punching.

            Comment

            • Humongous
              Ms. Sham Wow 2011
              Forum Member
              • Apr 2011
              • 263

              #7
              Re: I would like to re-introduce myself...

              what in the name of corbin bernsen is a euro soccer?

              Jesus loves football. period!
              Genesis 1:24
              And God said, "Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: livestock, creatures that move along the ground, and wild animals, each according to its kind: and it was so."

              Comment

              • Trent Harvey, Jr.
                Ex-hero, almost honorably discharged
                True Christian™
                • Jul 2007
                • 722

                #8
                Re: I would like to re-introduce myself...

                Originally posted by Colin Cameron View Post
                However I need to pluck up the courage to speak to her first! As this is a first time for me, any advice is welcome.
                Don't speak to HER. Speak to her owner, which at this moment is her father. Marriage is very simple, in Deuteronomy 22:28-29 the Bible explains how to get a wife in very clear terms. Note that you'll want to check with your local bylaws first. Since there are very few places where Biblical Marriage is legal, you might want to join the military, or better yet a Private Military Contractor, and take a foreign wife as detailed in Numbers 31:15-18.
                Founder and CEO of Trickle-Down Charities™, LLC.

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                True Christians™ believe they they exist to serve the Bible-revealed will of God.
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                Comment

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