[Santa Claus]

I looked that up in some sort of popish dictionary. For some reason they wanted $30K and said they'd "double it" if I coughed up before (hang on, I'll check the date) tomorrow!

Which sort of suggests they already have the 30K so why not just donate that? But I've noticed the best successful scams tend to be the most obvious. Anyway, I did need to review Santa's post and was puzzled.

Who is the ogre and why is he receiving a food hamper?

It was one of the former Popes, a relatively nice man, I delivered him coal around 5 times and 2 times actual gifts, this must have been the time I delivered panforte di Siena that was only a few months over its shelf life.

I suppose it could be a case of claret or 54 Cuban cigars or even frogs.

No, as I told, it was panforte di Siena.

Those would be Romists who'd ventured into a protestant church, wouldn't they. Do your people still teach that?

My people, the elfs have never taught anything like that. We could not be less interested in the affairs of minority religions, such as yours, or those of the Mecca or the Vatican. We teach that deeds have consequences that are either carbon (coal) or refined hydrocarbons (plastic).

I hope you enjoy Christmas as you contemplate God's teachings.

Mitza-Baby. I can use approximately one femtosecond in a household and that includes giving the cookies to Rudolph and consuming some milk. I have barely any time to contemplate the next address let alone any writings by minority religions. But. I enjoy it tremendously as I bring forth joy and gaiety and plastic items. In your case, however, a nice slice of panforte di Siena will be stuck in your stocking come Christmas.It is home-made in the bestest facories of mass-production and includes microplastics to fulfill the assignment.



Here's another nice picture from your future, from my timeless existence.This would be around 2034 CEish, the last time I visited Don Donald.

[Isabella White]

'Bella...



No, I am not going to deliver you any baby toucans until you can control your nerves and emotions. Don't you think it is time? Each and every supernatural being also has its time, and it is very clear that for the past century, yours-truly has been the ultimate power. Not only do I deliver goodies but I also influence the world population to buying and consuming nice plastics and seashell-spaed chocolate.

But, I digress, eh? In your case, there is still potential for emotional improvement and, perhaps in a couple of decades of so, I can actually deliver the baby toucans that you crave so desperately. Here's something that can prepare you to taking care of other organisms! A duck-shaped ceramic pot for easter grass. Just plant the seeds and you'll have your own very funny and cute easter ornament in just a few weeks. All your little friends will envy you and wish to share a nice drink with you. Perhaps even your gentleman friends will want to stay the night...



I recommend a marshmallow cock tail. With that, I am sure that I can satisfy your ladylike needs! Ho ho ho!



This drink was one of my most sought out deliveries in yonderyear NY city and London, as you can see in the photo below!

What?! Are you still here, SATAN Claus? Surely to goodness, I had thought (hoped!) that you might have tired of terrorizing the people here at , but I can see that you're in this for the long haul!

Whatever your fascination is with toucans, you can just forget my having any part in it. A canary, perhaps, or maybe a lovely little finch, but a toucan? Never! And I would not trust you — not for one second — to give me a bird as a gift. Something tells me that your warped sense of SATANic humor would inspire you to leave this under my mas tree!

Besides that, who has time for your silly jokes about birds? mas Day will be here in less than a week's time, and I am still behind with my festive baking. Agatha (my sister) found some interesting cookie recipes online (photos attached below), but I insist that she stick with her tried-and-true Martha Stewart recipes. Besides, these look like something that would have been made by a proud homersexualist!!

[Santa Claus]

*tantrum* A canary, perhaps, or maybe a lovely little finch, but a toucan? *tantrum* this *tantrum*

*tantrum* cookie recipes *more tantrums*

Sweet, sweet, 'Bella. You are showing the 1.4% of Italian heritage (...I know...) of your DNA in your tantrums.

But no, you're still not getting a baby toucan nor a cassowary. You may still remember how I delivered a few pet cassowaries in 2020...

Re: ASK SANTA - THE 2020 GIFT REGISTRY!

Yes, I could but I won't. You deserve something better. I'm just like the sorting hat and I ruminate over things and I just know what you need: A pet cassowary!



Aren't they magnificent! Did you know (I bet you didn't!) that they can swallow an apple whole! Can Jesus do that (I bet he can't although he's quite obsessed with them and them figs!). You are missing some structure, affection, care and unconditional love (can your Jesus give that, I bet he can't!) and a cassowary is just what you need!

...but it did not turn out so well. A murder of them escaped with crows and me elfs were mostly on sick leave after trying to capture them. Never found out where they ended up.

So, no baby toucans, but, you know how pets tend to closely resemble their owners?! I have just one nice pet marabou left, she's house-trained and likes to cuddle with her humans on the sofa and sleeps soundly on your bed. She's also adorable and a-comin' your way THIS CHRISTMAS! Ho ho ho.



And to calm your nerves, something special for my Sweetest 'Bella-Baby!



P.S. The cookies look wonderful. Please extend Rudolph's gratitude to Agatha. He'll consume those in 2 femtoseconds.



Love you SO-ho-ho-ho much! Here's some documentation from 25813 BCE with some Cro-Magnons. They celebrated the solstice with me and were such fun. Rudolph, fortunately, espaced unscathed when they tried to eat him, though.

[Romeo Rovagnati]

So, Americans will now celebrate Halloween and Christmas in the same day? I always knew that those movies that portrays them as crazy were accurate.

[Santa Claus]

So, Americans will now celebrate Halloween and Christmas in the same day? I always knew that those movies that portrays them as crazy were accurate.

Dear Baby-Boy! Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. As far as I am concerned - and I am - it is absolutely unimportant how people wish to celebrate Christmas as long as they're nice! And with nice I exclude oft-repeated religious rituals, such as disemboweling, burning on the stake, or impalement, underage diddlying etc. etc. For most people, this is obvious but some nincompoops actually have to memorize an old book to be able to tell if it is preferable to kill or not to. If they want to decorate their homes with skeletons, that's fine with me. If they want to have a feast of soyburgers, I'm in. I do appreciate some biscuits for Rudoph to ruminate as he loves those, and I don't mind having a nice drink of soy milk every now and then.

OK. Deliveries. You really need to have something extra for your banquet. For that, I've chosen the ripest, most gluey casu marzu directly from Sardinia via the North pole on an ox-drawn carriage. The larvea are well and alive.




This cheese is best consumed with a nice communion claret, don't you think?

Oh, the banquests of yonderyear. A particular one was the Saturanalia of 45 BCE with Julius and Cleo. They served pearls in vinegar, as always, but I preferred a nice brew. Those were the days. Brutus was also there and my Brother Santa Bros. We've lost contact but I surmise he is doing deliveries somewhere around Fomalhaut.

[MitzaLizalor]

Nobody here seeks anything of Italian origin. Please differentiate gifts suitable fot True Cgristians from those aimd at HERETICS!

[Santa Claus]

Nobody here seeks anything of Italian origin. Please differentiate gifts suitable fot True Cgristians from those aimd at HERETICS!

Mitzy-Bitzy. No-one can escape Italian origins. Differere. Sequere - suivre - suit. Oriri - origo. Hairetikos (Gr. to Lat.) - haereticalis. I need not go on, as my next gift to you will explain all about everything that you should know.



But, I know that you young 'uns no longer tend to read books. You look at blowtube videos or whatever. You can expect to find in your stockings the whole series of this wonderful TV show in vintage (plastic) VHS cassettes for you and your little friends to watch and enjoy!


There's also the alternative of french and Italian language dubs.

Ho-ho-ho. Mitzy-Baby, isn't 2026 going to be the bestestest year for you with this combination of fact and culture!?

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Santa, although you are literally here in front of my eyes answering questions, I still believe in Jesus more, even if he only appeared once and never brought me any presents. I don't think you're cut out for the long game though, no offense. Toys, feasting, happiness are ALL temporary gimmicks the people will tire of. Even plastic biodegrades.

[Santa Claus]

OK Baby Boy. I suppose I'll have to spell it out for you...

Santa, although you are literally here in front of my eyes answering questions, I still believe in Jesus more, even if he only appeared once and never brought me any presents. I don't think you're cut out for the long game though, no offense. Toys, feasting, happiness are ALL temporary gimmicks the people will tire of. Even plastic biodegrades.

Cupcake, I don't care. I don't mind if you believe more in Jesus, Baal, Xibalba, Inanna, Joseph Smith or Ayn Rand than me. Faith does not matter in my job, being nice does. In fact, I not only find Faith irrelevant but mosty harmful, as it is the excuse people give when they've run out of good reasons for their beliefs. And. Is there anything you could not believe based on Faith? There are billions of nasty, oppressive things people believe because of their Faith. Please give me a child, who acts nice and plays with everyone and says please once in a while and I'll take them anytime over an adult who appeals to damn Faith... My deliverance does not depend on Faith. As long as you're nice, I deliver. If you're naughty, I still deliver but the products tend to be of a different kind.

That said, I like your take on transience. What does that mean for you and my deliveries this Christmas? It means a lot. First, you shall not be getting that new Fleshlight this year. Go to a freaking store, buy some spare parts and try to make that (plastic) device last for at least theree years. After that, I'll reconsider. But the transient, temporal stuff will be yours to take. Not one but two products, two wonderful pieces of ephemeral art that have the same subject matter. An ice sculpture:


And the same in glass:



Now, you may think that the glass one is not degradable if you don't deliberately melt it and, I must confess, it will probably last longer than the ice one. But it is still ephemeral. Despite its potential lifespan of a few billion years, it will also perish. It is the same for me. While I am immortal, I am not eternal. If proton decay predicted to take place after mere 10³² years will not disintegrate me, the Big Rip or the Big Crunch probably will. I don't mind. I bring transient but observable, measurable happiness (not unlike a nice pool party) that is tangible and can be proven to be real beyond reasonable doubt. Regardless of Faith, Baby boy. Now, sashey off and buy them spare parts for your delight device.

[Basilissa]

Now, you may think that the glass one is not degradable if you don't deliberately melt it and, I must confess, it will probably last longer than the ice one. But it is still ephemeral. Despite its potential lifespan of a few billion years, it will also perish.

Well that's overly optimistic, isn't it?

Just give it to any child and the "few billion years" will turn into mere minutes, after which someone (read: an adult) will have to pick up and throw away all the shards.

[Santa Claus]

Well that's overly optimistic, isn't it?

Just give it to any child and the "few billion years" will turn into mere minutes, after which someone (read: an adult) will have to pick up and throw away all the shards.

Ho ho ho, 'Lissa, oft-times so obsessive about rationality yet equivocating potential age with actual age.



You regular humans are so cute, I am not even going to discuss the apparent contradiction of your cognitive dissnance of making the preservation of glass objects overly optimistic - yet considering the unproven and hearsay-based eternal existence in bliss factual.



But we have to discuss shards. Aren't they useful by their own right, and the existence of the glass objects can continue in them even if the artwork has ceased? I urge you, Pumpkin, to consider e.g. the person Job of the book you are obsessed with, how he used shards and ashes as nice remedies of a skin condition. Of course, you can also melt them for recycling. Once again, it is not up to me to decide what people do with my deliveries, but it does amaze me how lightly you young 'uns (adults my donkey) throw away things that you consider broken and useless.

Ho. Some alternative shards for you, Lassie, to consume along with your alternative facts.

.

And an opus from Mrs. Santa's bookshelf.



And, as the icing on a cake, Opus the Penguin by Berkeley Breathed's great comic.



But gotta go for now, I have some hospital visits to make. Stay cute and stubborn, 'Lissa.

[handmaiden]

Santa, don't you have work to do? Or is it up to everyone else at the North Pole to handle the prep tasks? And then you waddle in like a portly rock star, hoist yourself up into the sleigh that the elves loaded with toys that the elves made and that is being pulled by the labor of reindeer, and you just wave and pose for pictures in a stylish hat. You sound like a British Royal. No real work for you.

[Santa Claus]

Santa, don't you have work to do?

Not really, this is a calling and I'm not really getting paid, so however much you US-citizens try, there's no manager or supervisor over me who could come to pamper you when you're having your tantrums.

Or is it up to everyone else at the North Pole to handle the prep tasks?

Yes, it is, but a couple of billion households within 36 hours (time zones, y'now...) requires meticulous planning, which takes up most of my and Rudolph's time every December.

And then you waddle in like a portly rock star, hoist yourself up into the sleigh that the elves loaded with toys that the elves made and that is being pulled by the labor of reindeer, and you just wave and pose for pictures in a stylish hat. You sound like a British Royal. No real work for you.

Verily, I am not a fan of the protestant ethic of work and toil and sweat and discomfort, while I do know that most of the world still has to succumb to exhausting routines. What have you done, Handy-Baby to relieve that? There's of course only as much one person can do, but one evening of somehat happy tidings in the form of genuine plastics is at least something.

This time, as always, whining will get you presents. You're an aficionado of the Nancy Drew books, rousing adventures of a girl with a suerhuman wit. Here's the latest as recommended by my gay elfs (I don't mind but they asked me to inform you that the plural "elves" is a Tolkienesque anachronism and my modern staff prefers "elfs" as the correct form).



As an example of meticulous planning: try to contact Bedouins and their camels (who are wonderful additions to Christmas Spectaculars) without them having permanent addresses of ZIP codes. Rudolph mostly does it by using his magnificent snout light.

[handmaiden]

You're an aficionado of the Nancy Drew books, rousing adventures of a girl with a suerhuman wit.

I have never been so insulted in my life.


And now I know that you are a fraud, Satan Claus. I became a follower of Trixie Belden at the age of nine. I have even contributed to her Wikipedia page. As a true Trixer, my response to your sad attempts at familiarity is a sneering dismissal of Nancy Who? and a shake of my head.



And you claim to know the hearts of children.

[Santa Claus]

I have never been so insulted in my life.
And now I know that you are a fraud, Satan Claus. I became a follower of Trixie Belden at the age of nine. I have even contributed to her Wikipedia page. As a true Trixer, my response to your sad attempts at familiarity is a sneering dismissal of Nancy Who? and a shake of my head.

And you claim to know the hearts of children.

Sweet Handy, your tantrums are almost as adorable as those of Sweet, Lil' 'Bella!



Of course, it is also wonderful that you life has been so care-free that the worstest insult you can imagine is disagreement about your childhood reading habits.



'Tis time you moved on. 'Tis time you tackled reading level 3 after those Trixters. Ma Santa recommends some Hardy Boys books. I suppose this is as good as any other.



Never hesitate to consider Santa's generous return policy, the details of which will be available on Boxing Day on this very Forum. Ho ho ho. Gotta go again, planning the itinerary for the Greek Islands! Wonderful vistas, great, hospitable people who have learned to avoid tantrums (they would be dangerous on a sailing ship).