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Board Games That Satan Wants to See Under Your Christmas Tree
The Game of Life
This devilish diversion simulates life from college to retirement. Players spin and land on "life events" such as "Move across country; Pay $10,000." How about some life events that children can actually learn from, like "Incur God's wrath by lingering on MSNBC while channel surfing; Die of AIDS"? Also, there is nothing in the Game of Life rulebook that prohibits plastic blue piece-plastic blue piece marriage. I am morally outraged!
Clue
The goal of this game is to collect clues and deduce which suspect murdered Mr. Boddy with which weapon and in what room. What's absurd is that there isn't a single minority represented in the game.
Normally I'm all for the exclusion of minorities, but let's face it: crimes are committed by Negroes and Mexicans. Miss Scarlet and Mrs. White should be Miss Tasheka and Mrs. Gonzales respectively. I don't need to roll any dice or draw any cards to figure this one out: J'waun killed Mr. Boddy, and he also used his "lead pipe" to rape Mrs. Peacock in the billiard room.
Monopoly
The sole objective of Monopoly is financial domination and the utter ruin of all competitors. Sounds like a game espousing American values that would get Jesus' stamp of approval. But hold on. One of the game pieces is a "Scottie"--a gay breed of dog from the even gayer country of Scotland, where men wear skirts and "blow" bagpipes.
Furthermore, there is an iron and a thimble, neither of which should be handled by a man under any circumstances lest he become "domesticated" (read as "queer"). How many male monopoly players have gone on to wear aprons, push vacuum cleaners, and blow bagpipes? It makes me shudder to guesstimate. The Parker brothers should have gone directly to jail for releasing this heinous game.
Operation
Players test their hand-eye coordination by extracting small plastic pieces from Hitler's naked body. That's obscene on many levels. Shame on the powers-that-be at Milton Bradley for glorifying Adolph Hitler. He was, after all, a Catholic. Perhaps you're thinking, "If that's Hitler, then where's his mustache?" The patient has been prepped for surgery, pinhead. It's been shaved.
Candyland
I find Candyland to be the gayest game around, and that's taking Care Bears: Calling All Care Bears into consideration.
Trivial Pursuit
The name Trivial Pursuit is a play on words, but it's also quite apt. Instead of being productive by reading the Bible or bashing gays or bashing gays with the Bible, players answer secular questions. The game does not deal with any information of use or import--only categories like "geography" and "science" are offered. If a player answers a question correctly, he or she gets a "pie." I find that very offensive, but not as offensive as the game board itself, which has some kind of sick Satanic/homosexual symbol:
Risk
My only real beef with Risk is that players are subjected to unGodly place names like Irkutsk, Kamchatka, and Quebec. I'd actually like to see this game revamped and called W.'s Risk. Rather than players taking over other countries by rolling higher than their opponents, they would instead ignore the United Nations, invade on the basis of phony reports, prematurely claim victory, and hire Halliburton for contract work so the vice-president can profit. Every turn players have to concoct reasons for their military conquests, such as "They have WMDs," ""We're fighting them there so we don't have to fight them here," or "We're spreading freedom." Praise Jesus! That's how you fight a war!
This devilish diversion simulates life from college to retirement. Players spin and land on "life events" such as "Move across country; Pay $10,000." How about some life events that children can actually learn from, like "Incur God's wrath by lingering on MSNBC while channel surfing; Die of AIDS"? Also, there is nothing in the Game of Life rulebook that prohibits plastic blue piece-plastic blue piece marriage. I am morally outraged!
Clue
The goal of this game is to collect clues and deduce which suspect murdered Mr. Boddy with which weapon and in what room. What's absurd is that there isn't a single minority represented in the game.
Normally I'm all for the exclusion of minorities, but let's face it: crimes are committed by Negroes and Mexicans. Miss Scarlet and Mrs. White should be Miss Tasheka and Mrs. Gonzales respectively. I don't need to roll any dice or draw any cards to figure this one out: J'waun killed Mr. Boddy, and he also used his "lead pipe" to rape Mrs. Peacock in the billiard room.
Monopoly
The sole objective of Monopoly is financial domination and the utter ruin of all competitors. Sounds like a game espousing American values that would get Jesus' stamp of approval. But hold on. One of the game pieces is a "Scottie"--a gay breed of dog from the even gayer country of Scotland, where men wear skirts and "blow" bagpipes.
Furthermore, there is an iron and a thimble, neither of which should be handled by a man under any circumstances lest he become "domesticated" (read as "queer"). How many male monopoly players have gone on to wear aprons, push vacuum cleaners, and blow bagpipes? It makes me shudder to guesstimate. The Parker brothers should have gone directly to jail for releasing this heinous game.
Operation
Players test their hand-eye coordination by extracting small plastic pieces from Hitler's naked body. That's obscene on many levels. Shame on the powers-that-be at Milton Bradley for glorifying Adolph Hitler. He was, after all, a Catholic. Perhaps you're thinking, "If that's Hitler, then where's his mustache?" The patient has been prepped for surgery, pinhead. It's been shaved.
Candyland
I find Candyland to be the gayest game around, and that's taking Care Bears: Calling All Care Bears into consideration.
Trivial Pursuit
The name Trivial Pursuit is a play on words, but it's also quite apt. Instead of being productive by reading the Bible or bashing gays or bashing gays with the Bible, players answer secular questions. The game does not deal with any information of use or import--only categories like "geography" and "science" are offered. If a player answers a question correctly, he or she gets a "pie." I find that very offensive, but not as offensive as the game board itself, which has some kind of sick Satanic/homosexual symbol:
Risk
My only real beef with Risk is that players are subjected to unGodly place names like Irkutsk, Kamchatka, and Quebec. I'd actually like to see this game revamped and called W.'s Risk. Rather than players taking over other countries by rolling higher than their opponents, they would instead ignore the United Nations, invade on the basis of phony reports, prematurely claim victory, and hire Halliburton for contract work so the vice-president can profit. Every turn players have to concoct reasons for their military conquests, such as "They have WMDs," ""We're fighting them there so we don't have to fight them here," or "We're spreading freedom." Praise Jesus! That's how you fight a war!
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