Help! Mr. McIrish has stopped punishing me!

[Mrs. Paddy McIrish]

Dear Sisters in Christ -

I am greatly troubled by a "marital issue" that is causing me concern and doubt.

When I was initially Saved almost 3 years ago, my Papist husband was very confused about my newfound zeal for the Bible and my desire to obey the literal Word of God. As a Catholic, Mr. McIrish was (and still is, sadly) well set in his practice of cherry-picking Scripture as ordered by his cultish Pope leader. In a fervent effort to open my dear husband's heart to the Holy Spirit and the Truth, I began reading the Bible to him each morning while eating breakfast.

I thought we were making real progress as God's Word appeared to be resonating with Paddy. He especially appreciated some of my own personal favorites, such as Ephesians 5:22-23 and 1 Corinthians 11:3, and began embracing them enthusiastically. Hope swelled in my bosom each time he would remind me that HE was the head of the household, that I would do what HE said, I better not give HIM any more lip if I knew what was good for me, and so on.

Every time I had a black eye, a split lip, a bruised bottom, or bloody urine, my spirit leapt with hope. My soul rejoiced as he hollered, chastised, or ridiculed. My heart skipped like a schoolgirl whenever he commanded me to go fetch his whip. "Praise the Lord!" I thought. "Paddy is becoming the husband as You intended him to be!" And so this continued, for a time.

But things have started to change recently. For example, one morning last week I forgot to add Bailey's to Mr. McIrish's coffee. When he noticed and then pointed out my mistake, I braced myself for the Godly consequence ... but, nothing happened! He just shrugged and went on drinking his coffee. Needless to say, I was shocked and devastated.

Sisters, I need your advice! I keep thinking of Ephesians 5:25. If my dear husband won't punish me, does that mean he no longer loves me? Perhaps I have done something to make myself unworthy of his domination? Even sitting here with the Holy Bible resting in my lap, which holds the answers to all life's conundrums (the Bible, that is, not my lap), I feel so adrift and unsure.

As is the weak-willed nature of women, I fear I may backslide and become querulous or domineering in the absence of Christian Domestic Discipline -I weep at the very thought!- and Mr. McIrish will then abandon me to go live in the woods. (Proverbs 21:19)

Sisters, what can I do to win back Paddy's attention and affections? I have spent many hours among his many bottles of Jameson in my prayer closet, but the Holy Spirit has not yet revealed God's Plan on this to me.

Beseeching You Humbly in Christ,
Mrs. Paddy McIrish

[Redeemed Papist]

Re: Help! Mr. McIrish has stopped punishing me!

I pray that your husband regains his manliness. Remind me again, have you already birthed a son?

[Dr Laurence Niles]

Re: Help! Mr. McIrish has stopped punishing me!

Dear Sisters in Christ...

Sisters, I need your advice...

Sisters, what can I do....

Mrs. Paddy McIrish

This is your problem, madam. You ask other women about being a good wife? Where's the logic in that? What do women know about what makes a successful relationship?

You simply need to read the Bible(KJV1611) for everything you will ever need to know about where you have gone wrong.

Ephesians 5:22 "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord."
1st Timothy 2:11-12 "Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence."
Genesis 3:16 "Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee."
Matthew 18:25 "But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made."
Ephesians 5:28-29 "So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church."
1st Corinthians 7:4 "The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife."
1st Corinthians 7:2 "Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband."
Ephesians 5:22-24 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
Romans 13:1 Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers. For there is no power but of God: the powers that be are ordained of God.
13:2 Whosoever therefore resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God: and they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation

YIC

[Mrs. Paddy McIrish]

Re: Help! Mr. McIrish has stopped punishing me!

Of course. Of course!

Oh, I am such a foolish woman. Thank you, Brother RP and Doctor Niles! Trust a man (or men) to take one dismissive look at a female situation and immediately "zero in" on her fault.

1 Timothy 2:15: I have not yet borne Mr. McIrish a son! Although ... I suspect this may be changing VERY soon, Jesus willing.

God bless you both for having such unwavering patience with, and Christly compassion for, a "weaker vessel" such as myself. Please accept my sincere apology for bothering you with this problem, which has obviously been caused by my own failings.

Praise the Lord!

[Des]

Re: Help! Mr. McIrish has stopped punishing me!

Now, now, dear. If it's any consolation, I would have already slapped you.

[Mrs. Paddy McIrish]

Re: Help! Mr. McIrish has stopped punishing me!

Now, now, dear. If it's any consolation, I would have already slapped you.

I'm sure by now you would have slapped me silly, Brother Des! And how humbly grateful I would have been for your Godly chastisement.

As I often mention to Mr. McIrish, is there ANY greater love that a man can show his wife besides beating her three shades of blister blue once in a while?

[Des]

Re: Help! Mr. McIrish has stopped punishing me!

If the two of you weren't in Virginia I could pop over and give him a few tips. Maybe show him a couple of useful tools, demonstrate how they work on one of my staff, let him give it a try while offering pointers and encouragement.

Think I'll go down to the basement here in a bit and get in a little practice. If you don't swing a cat-o-nine tails or heavy flogger several times a day, you find that your swinging arm gets sore after the first 45 minutes or so.

[Mrs. Paddy McIrish]

Re: Help! Mr. McIrish has stopped punishing me!

If the two of you weren't in Virginia I could pop over and give him a few tips.

What a nice thought! If you and Mr. McIrish were mutually agreed, perhaps we could travel to you instead? I don't know where you're located, Brother Des, but nowhere is "too far" when Salvation is at stake!

[Des]

Re: Help! Mr. McIrish has stopped punishing me!

What a nice thought! If you and Mr. McIrish were mutually agreed, perhaps we could travel to you instead? I don't know where you're located, Brother Des, but nowhere is "too far" when Salvation is at stake!

I bought that little 11 bedroom cottage in Freehold. 3187 Revival Avenue, South. It would be about an 8 hour drive, factoring in traffic.

You and your more significant other would need to show valid ID and a notarized temporary Freehold travel pass at the front gates, but my security is instructed to only aim for the kneecaps when firing warning shots, so don't feel rushed when looking for the paperwork while they wait.

P.S. Oh, you might want to have papers in hand when going through the Freehold checkpoints. Freehold Security is a little more jumpy than the Blackwater security guys I use as home security and bodyguards.

[Mrs. Paddy McIrish]

Re: Help! Mr. McIrish has stopped punishing me!

I bought that little 11 bedroom cottage in Freehold. 3187 Revival Avenue, South. It would be about an 8 hour drive, factoring in traffic.

You and your more significant other would need to show valid ID and a notarized temporary Freehold travel pass at the front gates, but my security is instructed to only aim for the kneecaps when firing warning shots, so don't feel rushed when looking for the paperwork while they wait.

P.S. Oh, you might want to have papers in hand when going through the Freehold checkpoints. Freehold Security is a little more jumpy than the Blackwater security guys I use as home security and bodyguards.

Brother Des, how divinely generous of you! I will speak to Mr. McIrish this very evening. If he agrees, I'm sure he'll want to contact you directly to work out the details. Please let me know if there is anything in particular we should bring, as I will likely be responsible for packing our suitcases!

[Des]

Re: Help! Mr. McIrish has stopped punishing me!

Brother Des, how divinely generous of you! I will speak to Mr. McIrish this very evening. If he agrees, I'm sure he'll want to contact you directly to work out the details. Please let me know if there is anything in particular we should bring, as I will likely be responsible for packing our suitcases!

No need to bring anything extra. Just call ahead and I'll have the staff boil some unseasoned potatoes, take a case of Guinness out of the 'fridge so it will be room temperature, and put flannel sheets & a coarse wool blanket on the guest bed to make him feel at home.

[Redeemed Papist]

Re: Help! Mr. McIrish has stopped punishing me!

I'm sure that if you become desirable enough to inspire him to plant his seed within you and you are not barren you will feel much more saved in childbearing. Have you considered being less pathetic and complaining and more lust-inspiring?

Perhaps if you sent me some pictures of yourself trying to look alluring for your husband I could give you some tips on if it's likely to get him in the mood for gritting his teeth and doing his best to father a child. As a Catholic he probably wants to bugger small boys, but if you persevere...

1 Corinthians 7:13-14 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.
For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Re: Help! Mr. McIrish has stopped punishing me!

I'll pray for your husband darling. Are you making his favorite dinner every night, keeping your house clean, staying thin and pretty, and minding a good Christian home? He may stray from you if you fail in your duties as a Christian wife, I mean after all dear, it would be your fault. -Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson

[Des]

Re: Help! Mr. McIrish has stopped punishing me!

Staying trim is important. Your husband doesn't want to come home after a long day at work to look upon a slovenly wretch that let herself go. Why I can't even stand the thought of it with my staff.

Here is my latest basement maid, a rather bland and unattractive Eurasian. As you can tell, she was an obese lazy slob before she started working for me.


Sad, isn't it? She had really let herself go. It will take me weeks to whip her into shape.

Now here is one of my personal assistant. Like Lucy above, Mariko was essentially a two-legged piglet when she came to me. But after only three months of honest labor on my Working Ranch & Equestrian School for Troubled Young Ladies, Mariiko was fit as a horse!


That is Mariko's figure today, 20 years later. After getting her to an acceptable average size, she kept it there.

A good wife should be expected to do the same. If a virtually less-than-human gook can go from obese to ordinary, so can any True Christian wife.

[Mrs. Paddy McIrish]

Re: Help! Mr. McIrish has stopped punishing me!

Thank you, Brothers and Sister, for your wise counsel!

I believe Mr. McIrish finds me appealing, as he still forces himself on me, oops - I mean to say, dutifully and cheerfully fulfills his "manly duties" each and every night ... not during my unclean time, of course. (Please do forgive me for speaking so graphically; I am blushing head to toe right now!)

My husband naturally prefers a slender, fit wife and I am obedient to his desires. As long as my ribs are visible, my buttocks are flat, and my hip bones are prominently poking out above my sunken stomach, Paddy is a happy man! Indeed, there would be no one but ME to blame if his eye should wander.

There was that one time when I ate an extra crouton and my size petite 00 dress was a bit tight. Mr. McIrish locked me in my prayer closet / his Jameson store room for a week with nothing but a supply of water and a bucket to use for "the call of nature." He told me to "pray the flab" away, and it really worked! God is good, ALL the time.