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This was ran in today's paper, but I'm re-posting it here as a reminder to would be sinners:
Freehold, Iowa, December 21, 2009:
In honor of Jesus' upcoming birthday celebration, we at the FPD are implementing a few policy changes to better reflect what Jesus was all about.
The Bible gives us many important clues as to just how God's justice system works. It's quite different from ours, and by different we mean better.
Below is the proposed agenda that the FPD will be implementing and hopes to have in full swing by January 2010.
(1) All citizens within the jurisdiction of the FPD shall henceforth be held guilty for violation of all laws upon violation of any law, regardless of severity, in accordance with Matthew 5:21-22:
24 Breach for breach, eye for eye, tooth for tooth: as he hath caused a blemish in a man, so shall it be done to him again.
(3) Any person found to be worshipping false gods, whether by prayer, offerings, copulation, sacrifice (of self or others), dance, or any form of ritual involving a graven image or likeness of any item or being that may be construed as a known false god or unknown false god, shall be placed in custody and registered with the Graven Image Registry List (henceforth "GIRL")
GIRL enrollment is mandatory for the next four generations of the family of the accused. Each descendant of a registered generation will be held guilty for the for worshipping false gods, regardless of their actual involvement with the crime, in accordance with Deuteronomy 5:9:
5:9Thou shalt not bow down thyself unto them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me.
The FPD will enforce this new agenda to the full extent of the law, and will continue to add more items to the agenda as the Holy Spirit guides FPD Chief of Police Dale Barnum.
In honor of Jesus' upcoming birthday celebration, we at the FPD are implementing a few policy changes to better reflect what Jesus was all about.
The Bible gives us many important clues as to just how God's justice system works. It's quite different from ours, and by different we mean better.
Below is the proposed agenda that the FPD will be implementing and hopes to have in full swing by January 2010.
(1) All citizens within the jurisdiction of the FPD shall henceforth be held guilty for violation of all laws upon violation of any law, regardless of severity, in accordance with Matthew 5:21-22:
21Ye have heard that it was said of them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment:
22But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.
According to Judge and Jury of Heaven (God and Jesus), calling somebody a dumb-head is equivalent to murdering them in cold blood, and will be weighed the same on judgment day.
In accordance with this infallible logic, the FPD will now punish jaywalkers to the same degree that we would punish serial killers. If you break one law, you've broken them all.
(2) In cases of domestic altercation, physical attack, robbery, or other such disturbance wherein property or personal well-being has been jeopardized, an Officer of the Law will require that the victim render a similar damage to the person or property of his aggressor to a degree equal to, but no more or less, than that which was rendered to the victim. This shall be known as the "Eye For an Eye Protocol" (Henceforth "EFEP")
Should the victim cause damage to the person or property of his assailant in a greater degree than that which was rendered to him, the Officer of the Law will authorize the aggressor to render damage to the person or property of the victim in order to rectify the excessive force used by the victim on his assailant. Upon completion of EFEP, the Officer presiding over the incident will arrest the guilty parties and continue procedure. EFEP is derived from Leviticus 24:20:
24 Breach for breach, eye for eye, tooth for tooth: as he hath caused a blemish in a man, so shall it be done to him again.
(3) Any person found to be worshipping false gods, whether by prayer, offerings, copulation, sacrifice (of self or others), dance, or any form of ritual involving a graven image or likeness of any item or being that may be construed as a known false god or unknown false god, shall be placed in custody and registered with the Graven Image Registry List (henceforth "GIRL")
GIRL enrollment is mandatory for the next four generations of the family of the accused. Each descendant of a registered generation will be held guilty for the for worshipping false gods, regardless of their actual involvement with the crime, in accordance with Deuteronomy 5:9:
5:9Thou shalt not bow down thyself unto them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me.
The FPD will enforce this new agenda to the full extent of the law, and will continue to add more items to the agenda as the Holy Spirit guides FPD Chief of Police Dale Barnum.
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