Public Notice of Bid on Tax Sale

[BrotherLarry]

Legal Notice: The public is hereby notified of a bid made on the property known as 1925 Exodus Lane, Freehold, Iowa by Larry Pureheart, godless New York City. Whereas taxes on this vacant property have not been paid since 2014, and whereas the former owner is either (a) deceased or (b) indigent, this property was offered for sale through payment of taxes totaling $20,000.13 plus ten (10) percent interest.


Prospective buyer having furnished the auditor of the state of Iowa a good faith down payment of $2000.13, the sale will become final upon completion of inspections and the approval of the Mayor's Special Council on Freehold Residency. Tax sale may be blocked by officials of the Landover Baptist Church, whose control of all prospective residents remains complete and untouchable until Jesus comes.


Michael Hezekiah, Esq., Attorney at Law
201 W 42 St, New York, NY 10043

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Re: Public Notice of Bid on Tax Sale

That phrase "until Jesus comes" should read "until Jesus returns", but that's what you get from joo lawyers. I realize we have a policy of only using the best lawyers - which just happens to be joos, but until they are perfected (as advised by Ann Coulter) we just have to put up with it.

I'm sure our honorable Mayor Hold is on top of this and will make sure we vet the buyer our otherwise exercise or right of first refusal.

While we're on the subject, I've always been in favor of eliminating these progressive property taxes - it's something the socialist Democrats do to make everyone pay their "fair share". A flat tax is the only "fair share", and we could also do some kind of lottery (well, our Biblical scholars would have to weight in on that option), but I digress.

[Leroy Llewelyn]

Re: Public Notice of Bid on Tax Sale

Congratulations and God Bless, BrotherLarry, that is tremendous good news indeed!

Yours in Christ,
Leroy Llewelyn

[BrotherLarry]

Re: Public Notice of Bid on Tax Sale

Congratulations and God Bless, BrotherLarry, that is tremendous good news indeed!

Yours in Christ,
Leroy Llewelyn

Thank you, brother. I can't imagine Mayor Hold objecting to this purchase. I have submitted the 100 page Application for Residency and it is in the hands of the DOF at this time, and then the Church will pray about it. I suppose ultimately, it's in the Hands of God. I am excited but cautiously so.

I am trying to figure out who last lived in this property. The reason it appeals to me is that it has pasture land - perfect for my gnathology practice! GOD is good.

COME, LORD JESUS!
BrotherLarry

[Basilissa]

Re: Public Notice of Bid on Tax Sale

Thank you, brother. I can't imagine Mayor Hold objecting to this purchase. I have submitted the 100 page Application for Residency and it is in the hands of the DOF at this time, and then the Church will pray about it. I suppose ultimately, it's in the Hands of God. I am excited but cautiously so.

Brother Larry, first, let me congratulate you for completing the Application for Residency. Since the DOF secretary has been missing for a few months now, the application storage room is a little bit of a mess:



Nevertheless, I have no doubts that as soon as the secretary returns (we did report her as a missing person to the police, so she should surface one way or another), she will be happy to review you application, of course after she reviews all of the other applications submitted during these past few months.

I sincerely hope you haven't omitted any commas or misspelled anything, because that'd mean you'd have redo the whole application again.

I am trying to figure out who last lived in this property.

I might be mistaken, but isn't that the place where Brother Faith Machine was parking his van trailer for a while?

The reason it appeals to me is that it has pasture land - perfect for my gnathology practice! GOD is good.

Indeed. And I'm sure whatever is buried there improves the quality of the pasture.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: Public Notice of Bid on Tax Sale

It was pleasure to learn of your effort, Brother Larry, to acquire this forfeiture property from the City of Freehold. As staff processes your Application for Residency I thought I would pass along a little information about that piece of property.

The previous owner had an unhealthy interest in what he called, "Native Americas." Freehold documents refer to them as Savages.

He spent his spare time finding arrowheads on that property. They were dropped there by mischief makers. City of Freehold does not acknowledge that any Savages ever inhabited the land upon which Freehold sits. The former owner was escorted out of town.

My suggestion is you refrain from searches for arrowheads.

[BrotherLarry]

Re: Public Notice of Bid on Tax Sale

It was pleasure to learn of your effort, Brother Larry, to acquire this forfeiture property from the City of Freehold. As staff processes your Application for Residency I thought I would pass along a little information about that piece of property.

The previous owner had an unhealthy interest in what he called, "Native Americas." Freehold documents refer to them as Savages.

He spent his spare time finding arrowheads on that property. They were dropped there by mischief makers. City of Freehold does not acknowledge that any Savages ever inhabited the land upon which Freehold sits. The former owner was escorted out of town.

My suggestion is you refrain from searches for arrowheads.

From the Offices of Michael Hezekiah, Esq.
Attorney at Law

TO: The Honorable Johny Joe Hold
City Hall of Freehold
1000 Ephesians Place
Freehold, IA

Mr. Mayor:
My client, having fulfilled the requirements of application for residency and having received the approval of the pastorate of Landover Baptist Church, has requested me to inform that the Auditor of the State of Iowa has released funds in the amount of $2000.13, which have been held in escrow until this date. These funds, along with the purchase price, land rights fee, application fee, tithes, offerings, and Title/Deed fee, totaling $147,300 have been wired to the account of Freehold. We have not submitted the $500,000 "Pastoral Care" fees requested as we see no provision for that in the application contract. It is, indeed, considered Optional But Recommended in Clause 3, Paragraph 49, Item 2059. Perhaps you could explain the benefits included if such a fee is remitted, since none whatsoever are enumerated, explained, or even vaguely touched upon in the contract.

We see no reason to litigate that matter and will expect the keys to 1925 Exodus Lane, Freehold, to be overnighted to my office at 201 W. 42nd St, NYC by secure courier.

It has been a pleasure doing business with a forthright, honest, compassionate, and obviously True Christian(TM) community. They are represented by a kind, forward thinking mayor whose only interest is that Freehold prospers for years to come. Your "Mayoral Service Fee" has been wired to your personal account in the amount of $1,000,000.00.

Sincerely,
M. Hezekiah, Esq.

PS: In the future, please remove the "Hell Bound Joo Lawyer" from correspondence secondary address.
PPS: I did not kill Jesus.

[BrotherLarry]

Re: Public Notice of Bid on Tax Sale

Mr. Mayor,


You know I respect you completely so don't let my attorney's big language make you think I am being inappropriate. He's a Joo, after all. I'm just so excited about getting there, putting some horses in the pasture, etc.
Of course I will have to clear out and even out the land a bit since weather and time have left it kind of uneven.
Oh well! Anything worth having is worth putting some work into.


Respectfully,
BrotherLarry

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: Public Notice of Bid on Tax Sale

From the Offices of Michael Hezekiah, Esq.
Attorney at Law

TO: The Honorable Johny Joe Hold
City Hall of Freehold
1000 Ephesians Place
Freehold, IA

Mr. Mayor:
My client, having fulfilled the requirements of application for residency and having received the approval of the pastorate of Landover Baptist Church, has requested me to inform that the Auditor of the State of Iowa has released funds in the amount of $2000.13, which have been held in escrow until this date. These funds, along with the purchase price, land rights fee, application fee, tithes, offerings, and Title/Deed fee, totaling $147,300 have been wired to the account of Freehold. We have not submitted the $500,000 "Pastoral Care" fees requested as we see no provision for that in the application contract. It is, indeed, considered Optional But Recommended in Clause 3, Paragraph 49, Item 2059. Perhaps you could explain the benefits included if such a fee is remitted, since none whatsoever are enumerated, explained, or even vaguely touched upon in the contract.

We see no reason to litigate that matter and will expect the keys to 1925 Exodus Lane, Freehold, to be overnighted to my office at 201 W. 42nd St, NYC by secure courier.

It has been a pleasure doing business with a forthright, honest, compassionate, and obviously True Christian™ community. They are represented by a kind, forward thinking mayor whose only interest is that Freehold prospers for years to come. Your "Mayoral Service Fee" has been wired to your personal account in the amount of $1,000,000.00.

Sincerely,
M. Hezekiah, Esq.

PS: In the future, please remove the "Hell Bound Joo Lawyer" from correspondence secondary address.
PPS: I did not kill Jesus.

Dear Attorney Hezekiah:

I was disappointed in your letter and find it does not represent either the interests of your client nor the Christian faith we hold dearly in Freehold.

In your legal work you did not inquire as to the zoning laws in Freehold. Property in Freehold is zoned residential, commercial and contaminated. The property in question is zoned contaminated.

This is because we believe ceremonies of paganism, nativism and perhaps Hinduism have been performed in the property's house. The Pastoral Fee levied against the new owner, Larry, is there for a noble purpose. It pays for Pastor Zeke to enter the property and banish to hell any foreign spirits or residue of these spirits that might infect the new owners and then spread to others in Freehold.

Thus, I regret to inform you that I am unable to forward your client the keys to the property until the Pastoral Fee is paid in full.

All the best.

Johny Joe Hold
Mayor

[BrotherLarry]

Re: Public Notice of Bid on Tax Sale

Mayor Hold:

Ho Hum. How tiresome to read of your superstitions. Oy gevalt, have I returned to the days of the Salem witch hunts?

My client, giving me the opportunity to use his "account" with this site, has no worries about any remnant spirits I am sure. Rather, he wants to move in the property - which, according to Freehold documents I was able to subpoena last week, is indeed zoned residential. Further, I found some handwritten notes among the ownership history with the following scribbled in almost illegible hand

<illegible> savages would ruin the mission...recommend the concoction we <illegible>

and

Enobarbus met with Running Deer. RD refuses <illegible>

and

Recommend making site ineligible for excavation at any point in history. Pasture land and the 9000 sq ft pool should reduce the interest of future owners to <illegible> but ordinances will likely be agreed to by the guy running for mayor - he regulates everything he <illegible>

All of this is concerning, but as I said, my client is but a young man who wishes to reside in your fair city. We've paid for all the REQUIRED items. Your own ordinance says the pastoral fee is optional. I am willing to take this to court if you'd like.

Sincerely,
M. Hezekiah, Esq

PS: I am not sure why you ask, but my nose is perfectly formed. Why? And no, I am not in the entertainment industry. It feels like you're trying to change the subject of our correspondence.