TWILIGHT: sending sexting tweens on mass-sucking frenzy!

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Dear Friends,

I want you to consider the following sentence fragment:

"A spectre is haunting Europe — the spectre of..."

Sounds like a spooky ghost story, doesn't it? Probably has lots of vampires sucking in it, too. Open-shirted, hairless-chested teenage vampires that scowl at you like they can't decide whether to rape you before or after they kill you. You know, the sort of vampire 12-year-old girls just can't get enough of.



Well, I hate to give out a "spoiler", but that spooky ghost story I just quoted is a little yarn by Karl Marx called "The Communist Manifesto"!

This is why Jesus tells us to "avoid all appearance of evil" in 1 Thessalonians 5:22. Whether we actually do evil isn't the point, God Himself says He brings evil and wickedness in Isaiah 45:7, Proverbs 16:4, and Amos 3:6. God even sent an "evil spirit" - perhaps a vampire - in 1 Samuel 16:14-23. But you'll never hear of Jesus dressing up as an evil spirit for Halloween. It's the appearance of evil that makes the difference. That's why the Communist Manifesto starts with a ghost story, and why Satan's evil appearance fills the screen in occultist propaganda films such as Twilight.

So it should be no surprise that the latest weapon to come from Satans WMCD (weapons of mass cultural destruction) Labs would form a critical mass by combining it with the other #1 threat to America's tweens.

Yes, I'm talking about a phenomenom that is such a clear and present danger that it even has it's own media-friendly buzzword: Sexting!



The details of sexting are best left to the imagination (if it's lurid enough) but let me say that it involves camera phones, "vibration mode" settings, and lots of tween hymens.

Think I'm chicken little? Read the PROOF here:

Taping three minutes of “Twilight: New Moon” during a visit to a Rosemont movie theater landed Samantha Tumpach in a jail cell for two nights.

Now, the 22-year-old Chicago woman faces up to three years in prison....

But Tumpach insisted Wednesday that’s not what she was doing — she was actually taping parts of her sister’s surprise birthday party celebrated at the Muvico Theater in Rosemont....The footage she shot also includes the pre-film commercials....

PROOF that Twilight and camera phones lead to crime - she even stole the pre-film commercials, which she has probably already uploaded to the internet, to be watched by millions of moochers who are so cheap they aren't even willing to pay money to watch ads!

And these days, the ads are the only part of the movie worth watching. The Coke bottles fizzing in glorious THC surround sound....The condensation drips glistening with more-detailed-than-life resolution....After watching 45 minutes of ads, previews, and production company logos I simply can't be entertained any more. Anything else would be an anticlimax.

So, if you think Twilight is just a bunch of imaginary vampires sucking each other, you're dead wrong. Twilight not only makes tweens suck blood, it makes them into economic vampires that suck out the economic life-blood of America - our world-renowned cultural treasures, our commercials.

[Rev. Jim Osborne]

Re: TWILIGHT: sending sexting tweens on mass-sucking frenzy!

I've been reading alot, and I mean alot about this "sexting". Young nubile teenage girls will take naughty pictures of themselves showing off their ladybits. Have you heard of anything more disgusting?

Combine this with the raw sexuality of the Twilight movies and you have a recipe for disaster. Sixteen year old girls will put plastic Halloween fangs in their mouth and take pictures of themselves providing oral stimulation on their boyfriends! Shirtless teenage boys will videotaping themselves biting the necks of virgins and drinking their blood. Young girls will lie on beds and take pictures of themselves inserting crucifixes into both their orifices down there.

The possibilities are sickening. As concerned parents, we need to restrict our children's mobile phone access. We need to read their text messages and emails. If your teenage daughter has been sending out racy photos/text messages/emails, and you are unsure of what to do....forward them to me immediately. revjimosborne@gmail.com As a caring pastor, I can help you through this.

Remember: Teenagers only want privacy when they have something to hide.

[Nobar King]

Re: TWILIGHT: sending sexting tweens on mass-sucking frenzy!

How Twilight Works

So what about men that like Twilight?
If you're male and you like Twilight, you're gay. I don't mean that in the derogatory sense, I mean it in the "you want to put your testicles against another man's testicles while gripping handfuls of chesthair" kind of way.

[jennabenna]

Re: TWILIGHT: sending sexting tweens on mass-sucking frenzy!

You read the oatmeal? YOU READ THE OATMEAL!
You are officially on the "Not entirely without merit" list!

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: TWILIGHT: sending sexting tweens on mass-sucking frenzy!

You read the oatmeal? YOU READ THE OATMEAL!
You are officially on the "Not entirely without merit" list!

Are you hallucinating?

As for this thread, I thought it was something about how Twilight induces oral-sex orgies at Catholic cult services.

[Nobar King]

Re: TWILIGHT: sending sexting tweens on mass-sucking frenzy!

I'm not entirely sure what 'reading the oatmeal' means, but if it turns you on that much there must be something wrong with it. In fact, I might just skip my oatmeal tomorrow.

[Trent Harvey, Jr.]

Re: TWILIGHT: sending sexting tweens on mass-sucking frenzy!

What is it with blood and sucking and sex? You'd think they're three different things. Yet they keep coming together.

I heard there's a completely deviant porn clip on the internet, in which a porn star deflowers dozens, some sources say about one hundred, virgins all in one go. Like an assembly line, they say. I saw a screenshot from the last one, and the sheets of the bed are red. On the first one it's white.

This digusting trend needs to be researched to protect the family. I've tried limewire, torrents, tineye, asking on street corners....Nothing. Brothers, we must uncover this secretive sleeper cell of porn before we're struck by a pornographic explosion in our faces.

[StenvenBex]

Re: TWILIGHT: sending sexting tweens on mass-sucking frenzy!

I'm not entirely sure what 'reading the oatmeal' means, but if it turns you on that much there must be something wrong with it. In fact, I might just skip my oatmeal tomorrow.

but you have read "the oatmeal"

[Sally Paulson]

Re: TWILIGHT: sending sexting tweens on mass-sucking frenzy!

I have to come the the defense of Twilight. Bear with me...

When I was adolescent, in the Yukon (we were there for the free healthcare) my boyfriend had a Hustler magazine, and believed he knew all about how to have sex. This was a Canadian Hustler, mind you, with all parts involving penetration censored. So he believed that the proper way to have sex was to hold his penis right next to all my orifices.

Also, I had to put lipstick on my private parts. Those Canadian Hustlers must have had color-blind printers. Anyway...

My point is that we never actually sinned, because my boyfriend didn't know how to, thanks to the masterful disinformation campaign waged by Canada's censors.

Well, Twlight does a similar thing. Girls these days believe that sex involves being bitten on the neck and bleeding all over the place. No girl ever orgasmed in that state. So in the end, isn't Twilight on our side?

Granted, a lot of adolescents will bleed to death due to this, but as long as they die pure and virginal, they'll go to heaven, right?

[JessicaLovesGod!]

Re: TWILIGHT: sending sexting tweens on mass-sucking frenzy!

I've been reading alot, and I mean alot about this "sexting". Young nubile teenage girls will take naughty pictures of themselves showing off their ladybits. Have you heard of anything more disgusting?

Combine this with the raw sexuality of the Twilight movies and you have a recipe for disaster. Sixteen year old girls will put plastic Halloween fangs in their mouth and take pictures of themselves providing oral stimulation on their boyfriends! Shirtless teenage boys will videotaping themselves biting the necks of virgins and drinking their blood. Young girls will lie on beds and take pictures of themselves inserting crucifixes into both their orifices down there.

The possibilities are sickening. As concerned parents, we need to restrict our children's mobile phone access. We need to read their text messages and emails. If your teenage daughter has been sending out racy photos/text messages/emails, and you are unsure of what to do....forward them to me immediately. revjimosborne@gmail.com As a caring pastor, I can help you through this.

Remember: Teenagers only want privacy when they have something to hide.

What kind of wh0re would take pictures of that?? Boy am I glad that I was raised to be a True Lady and to stay pure (I like to think "Would God approve of me doing this?" Or "Would God wish to see me like this?" before I do anything. If I doubt for a second I do not do it, or ask my father to see what he says). I do not even have one of those phones. If you wish to speak to me, you can speak to me in person after church on Sunday.

I will be sure to keep that in mind Pastor, if any of my friends tell me of awful things they have done!

[BlackSin]

Re: TWILIGHT: sending sexting tweens on mass-sucking frenzy!

Guys, as a devout fan of Twilight I must relay my experiences with it.

As a black, 30 year old male, there isn't much literature that agrees with me. Sure, I read The Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass every month because of its great inspiration, but that's not enough for me. Therefore I must crack open some other books.

The daughter of my girlfriend and I left a book open on her desk and I walked in. I checked the cover to make sure she was reading the Bible. Alas, she wasn't. I was furious. But then I began reading. And I realized something when I read the first book: Edward is like God and Jacob is the devil and Bella is in the middle (aka us).

While God does some bad things (just like Edward does) and Jacob seems to do good things, he is in actuality a terrible person. The way Edward is always there for Bella is inspiring and is what I look for in God. And Edward wins and Bella (us) chooses God. Everything will turn out ok, guys. I understand the Twilight hate, but trust me, its good Christian literature.

So I urge you to go out and buy the first book of the Twilight series. It may affect you almost as much as it did for me.

[Nighthawk]

Re: TWILIGHT: sending sexting tweens on mass-sucking frenzy!

I don't know that Twilight makes people more likely to go off sexting or not- I can't speak either way. What I do know is that that damnable movie series has sucked away 2.5 hours of my life that I want back. I took my daughter to see one of those movies, and I tell you- never in my life did I want to break the commandment against committing murder more than when I was done watching that atrocity. Who in Gods name thought that thing qualified as literature?!?! The dialogue wasn't even good! The acting was horrible, the directing was trite and unimaginative... and the vampires sparkle in sunlight!! Anyone who's ever heard or read a vampire legend knows that the only reason a vampire would sparkle in sunlight is because he's about to burst into flames!! That would have saved that movie- if those whiny vampires who can't stop crying about how miserable their afterlives are would just run into sunlight and commit suicide, that movie would have been 10 minutes long, and would have been awesome! I'd pay to see those whine-vamps die. But no... They just sparkled and cried... I can't say that they caused sexting... but they sure did cause me to have homicidal tendencies...