[Old Man Hatchet]

Breakfast cereal has played a major role in America's moral degradation. I have tirelessly combated the cereal industry over the decades. If not for my vigilance and fortitude, I don't think it's an overstatement to say that we would currently be living in a post-apocalyptic world where Fruity Pebbles are currency and dangerous mutants rove the bleak, corpse-addled countryside looking for free toys and mail-in offers. I've been successful in getting many sinful brands removed from store shelves, but unfortunately there's still much wickedness in the cereal aisle.

As a Christian parent, you will find the information contained in this thread invaluable. It would behoove you to print these Commandments. Put them on your refrigerator. Have them engraved on a plaque. Memorize them. Above all, follow them. They are tantamount to the biblical Ten Commandments.


1. Thou shalt avoid any cereal that has a Negro on the front of the box.



White children who consume such cereal begin to embrace Negro culture. If you were to give your little one a bowl of Urkelos, it wouldn't be long before he or she were holding up liquor stores and talking loudly in movie theaters.



2. Thou shalt never purchase cereal that has letter or number shapes.



Your child could conceivably scoop up a prostitute's phone number or an inappropriate word like "taint" or "evolution."



3. Thou shalt leave on the shelf any cereal that evokes cooters or tallywackers.



Muffets is a very suspicious-sounding name. Then you see that Muffets resemble big, hairy cooters, and your suspicions are confirmed.



Perhaps you think the powers-that-be at Kellogg's chose a rooster to be the Corn Flakes mascot because it is an apt symbol for morning and therefore breakfast. Well, you're an idiot. They chose a rooster to make your child subconsciously hanker for shlongs.

As if that weren't egregious enough, Kellogg's manufactured this filth:



Fortunately the public was properly repulsed by a phallus in a skimmer hat, and the cereal was discontinued.



4. Thou shalt pass over any cereal brands that advocate false religions.



If you bring even a single packet of Quaker oatmeal into your home, you could bring God's wrath down upon you. Also, Quaker products will turn your son into a wuss who dresses funny and respects women.



5. Thou shalt not put occult-based cereal in your shopping cart.



Lucky Charms contain strange talismans. More than likely, General Mills is using sorcery to make your child gay and/or worship Satan.



If there's a ghost on the box, you run the risk of bringing evil spirits into your home--evil spirits that want to make your child gay.



6. Is there a cross-dressing mascot on the box? Thou shalt shield thy child's eyes and write thy congressperson when thou get home.



Tony the Tiger's dainty kerchief is a ploy by Kellogg's to turn boys into transvestites.



7. Thou shalt not buy fruity cereal.

Fruit-flavored cereal turns boys queer, doubly so if they're anus-shaped, like Froot Loops.





8. Thou shalt never stock thy pantry with Frankenberry.

Frankenberry is the worst cereal on the market. The pink packaging alone should be a warning sign to any discerning, Christian parent. Its name is a disgusting play on words that refers to male genitals--"frank" and "berries." Its mascot, an effeminate Frankenstein's monster, has a buttocks-shaped head.



He also has strawberry fingernails. Strawberry fingernails. You can't get much gayer than that. Furthermore, he's wearing chains as suspenders. That smacks of S&M. I am flabbergasted that no one at General Mills has been imprisoned for this monstrosity.



9. Thou shalt pay close attention to both sides of the cereal box.



Disregard the back of a cereal box, and before you know it your home has been turned into a gay bathhouse or your child has been enrolled in Ding Dong School. You don't need much of an imagination to envision what goes on at Ding Dong School.



10. Thou art permitted to give thy children Ezekiel Cereal.



Ezekiel 4:9 Take thou also unto thee wheat, and barley, and beans, and lentiles, and millet, and fitches, and put them in one vessel, and make thee bread thereof, [according] to the number of the days that thou shalt lie upon thy side, three hundred and ninety days shalt thou eat thereof.

That's a name you can trust. And if the Bible verse after which it is named is any indicator, it contains "fitches." Dictionary.com tells us that a fitch is "a chiefly nocturnal European carnivorous mammal of the weasel family that ejects a malodorous fluid to mark its territory and ward off enemies" or "a black aromatic seed still used as a flavoring in the East." I don't know which is an ingredient in Ezekiel Cereal, but they both sound yummy. In any case, it's not about what's in it, but what's not on it--a gay character. The only way it could get better is if our own Pastor Ezekiel were adopted as this delightful cereal's mascot.

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

A timely reminder that eating gothic-related foods like Count Dracula cereal can lead to children dressing in black, wearing pasty make-up, and cutting themselves.

[Old Man Hatchet]

Originally Posted by Sister Mary Maria

A timely reminder that eating gothic-related foods like Count Dracula cereal can lead to children dressing in black, wearing pasty make-up, and cutting themselves.

Children who dress in black, wear pasty make-up, and cut themselves have those characteristics before they eat Count Chocula. They identify with the brand--that's why they eat it. The cereal itself doesn't cause children to become goths. Let's be realistic here.

Count Chocula does cause children to wear capes and suck on things. It basically turns them into Liberace.



I suppose that fits under the Sixth Commandment.

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Originally Posted by Old Man Hatchet

They identify with the brand--that's why they eat it. The cereal itself doesn't cause children to become goths.

You can't deny it presents the gothic lifestyle as fancy and fun, something that should be emulated because you can get your own cereal. Kind of like Wheaties (with American athletes, not with nigras on the box) but for pansies.

[Pastor William Nathaniel Sampson]

Originally Posted by Old Man Hatchet

10. Thou art permitted to give thy children Ezekiel Cereal.



Ezekiel 4:9 Take thou also unto thee wheat, and barley, and beans, and lentiles, and millet, and fitches, and put them in one vessel, and make thee bread thereof, [according] to the number of the days that thou shalt lie upon thy side, three hundred and ninety days shalt thou eat thereof.

What an informative list, OMH. I'm just glad the permitted breakfast cereal isn't Ezekiel 4:12 brand.

[Old Man Hatchet]

Originally Posted by Sister Mary Maria

You can't deny it presents the gothic lifestyle as fancy and fun

Perhaps. I tend to see Count Chocula as promoting the gay rather than gothic lifestyle.



Look at his frilly cuffs. And he clearly uses mousse.

But I may be splitting hairs since goths look rather gay.

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Please add Quisp to the list.

Every True Christian knows that aliens are really demons.

[Old Man Hatchet]

Originally Posted by Daisy Mae Johnson

Please add Quisp to the list.

Every True Christian knows that aliens are really demons.

This one falls under the Fourth Commandment. Interestingly, Quisp is a portmanteau of "Quaker" and "crisp," but one cannot say it without sounding like a lisping homer. Go ahead. Try it. Clearly the Quaker Oats Company, as part of the cereal industry's homosexual agenda, is attempting to trick us all into sounding like queers in an effort to make us desensitized to the gays.

[Nobar King]

You know, with the inflation and the rise in food prices, it's tough for an adult to find an appropriate cereal that isn't outrageously priced. I've been eating Raisin Bran, recently, and also shredded wheat (the ones with the sugar on one side). Fortunately, those boxes don't promote overt homosexuality or occult images. I think. I don't really look a the boxes too much.

[SUV]

Originally Posted by Old Man Hatchet

dangerous mutants rove the bleak, corpse-addled countryside

I read of this very thing happening in Stephen King's Cell

[Old Man Hatchet]

Originally Posted by SUV

I read of this very thing happening in Stephen King's Cell

Cell? Doesn't sound very scary. Cereal, on the other hand, is positively chilling. Consider this one:



It's on par with a scheisse film.

[Lycia The Repentant]

As a little girl, I spent every morning eating a bowl of Mr. Wonderfull's Surprize (my parents had stockpiled large amounts of it from the seventies). I'm sure it definitely contributed to my descent into sinfulness and harlotry. Praise Jesus they've taken it off the market!



Just seeing that box brings back so many horrible memories.

[Old Man Hatchet]

Originally Posted by Lycia The Repentant

Praise Jesus they've taken it off the market!

You can thank me that it was removed from grocery shelves. General Mills capitulated after I wrote countless angry letters and organized a colossal boycott of their products. I also got them to discontinue Twinkles, which was despicably and blatantly gay.



As if regular "Twinkles" wasn't gay enough, General Mills had the gall to offer a "tutti-fruiti" variety.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Originally Posted by Sister Mary Maria

A timely reminder that eating gothic-related foods like Count Dracula cereal can lead to children dressing in black, wearing pasty make-up, and cutting themselves.

Sister, if any boy of mine started dressing in black and wearing pasties, he wouldn't have to cut HIMSELF!

Originally Posted by Old Man Hatchet

As if regular "Twinkles" wasn't gay enough, General Mills had the gall to offer a "tutti-fruiti" variety.

And of course they are intent on "gaying up" firemen, with all the "fruitiness" coming out of his "hose" . . . And of course it's a two-hander!

[SUV]

Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer

And of course they are intent on "gaying up" firemen, with all the "fruitiness" coming out of his "hose" . . . And of course it's a two-hander!

Christ-on-a-cracker, YES!!! They are seeking to make fireMen as gay as steel-mill Workers!

[Old Man Hatchet]

With a substantial amount of angry-letter-writing, I got Kellogg's to change their mascot for Sugar Smacks numerous times.




The first Sugar Smacks mascot was a clown--"A man who wears makeup? Not in my cereal aisle!" Then they chose a seal--"Seals are clowns, only slimier. They're the clowns of the sea." Next was a horse--"What kind of sickos put a big-peckered animal on a children cereal's box?" After that they created the Smackin' Brothers--"Smackin' Brothers? Sounds like a porn name for twins. I'm surprised they're not sporting mustaches and tiger-print bikini briefs." Subsequently they put a dirty, Godless Injun on the box--"At this point I feel like you don't even know me." Following that was a bear--"See horse." Finally Kellogg's selected a frog--"Frogs get kissed in fairy tales, and kissing leads to all sorts of sinfulness." At this point they stopped all correspondence with me.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

I have never understood why cereal needs a "mascot" anyway, if not to promote the disgusting homosexual agenda via breakfast treats.

In a child's mind, "sodomy = sweet"!

What's next, Biohazard Crunch, with the delicious taste of the AIDS in every bite? "Now with syringes!" "Send in 20 box tops and get a FREE sodomizing from the MMA homosexual rapist of your choice!"

[Old Man Hatchet]

Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer

What's next, Biohazard Crunch, with the delicious taste of the AIDS in every bite? "Now with syringes!" "Send in 20 box tops and get a FREE sodomizing from the MMA homosexual rapist of your choice!"

I wouldn't put it past the cereal industry. They used to make this:



"Don't murder your ex-wife on an empty stomach. Eat OJ's: The Breakfast of Killers."

Sure, it was manufactured before O.J. butchered Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman, but Kellogg's should have had the foresight to realize that something like that was going to happen.

[Zechariah Smyth]

Originally Posted by Old Man Hatchet

I wouldn't put it past the cereal industry. They used to make this:

And it doesn't help that it has one of the Village People on the front.

Brother Hatchet, I need a ruling on one of the cereals I found in the pantry after reading your well-researched and informative OP. It's Kashi Heart to Heart Oak Flakes and Blueberry Clusters.

There are several red flags here:

- flakes? Like Peruvian?

- the addition of blueberry appears to violate Commandment 7, but it's real fruit and not "fruity" flavored. I'd rather err on the side of Christ.

- the "clusters" look suspiciously like animal droppings ("scheisse film" material?)

- Heart to Heart? Like BLEEDING heart?

Yours in Christ,

Zechariah Smyth

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Which Commandment does Freakies fall under Brother Hatchet?

When a person eats Freakies, which are really demons disguised an appealing tasty breakfast food, the demons stay in the colon and cause the person who eats them to become gay!


Freakies, the food of Fags.