An Apology from Landover
You may have noticed that various people and organizations have been apologizing for various misdeeds. The Catlix seem to have apologized for almost every vice known to mankind and 23 that they invented themselves. Presidents and Prime Ministers world wide have expressed regret for their ancestors’ doings and we at Landover, taken with this method of avoiding lawsuits and gaining politically correct credentials, have decided to do likewise.
Truth be told, living absolutely by the word of God has left us with little or nothing for which to apologize. Unlike others, who have judged themselves by today’s secular standards, God’s standards are eternal and perfect – what’s good then, slavery, stoning homers, the subservience of women, animal sacrifices, is good now.
However, searching through the dusty archives, one event did come to light.
So let me set the scene; it is the 8th April of 1753, George II was on the throne and, somewhat late, news had reached the colony of Landover that in Britain the Jacobite papists had been all been mercilessly slaughtered and their houses burned, so everyone was happy. The winter had been relatively mild and only a few babies had been eaten (Lev 26:l4-39) and they were all piccaninnies.
The Senior Pastor was Hezekiah Worthy, who was often blessed by hearing God’s voice speak to him directly. The Pastor had dismissed his flock after a sermon of 5¾ hours on the prevalence of demons. (It is noted that such was the power of his preaching that two members of the congregation died of Astonishment of the Heart (De:28:28) and 7 had fully relieved their bowels involuntarily such that they were required to leave the church early.)
THE START OF THE INCIDENT
Following the Godly message and it being a fine day, Brother Shadrach Abednego, had taken his musket and departed to hunt Ivory Billed Woodpecker. He had entered into the forest not more than one mile when he heard voices. Approaching cautiously, he observed 8 homunculi in a clearing and deep conversation. Realizing that his weapon alone was not sufficient to send the creatures to Damnation, he returned swiftly to the settlement and informed Pastor Worthy.
THE CONSULTATION WITH PASTOR WORTHY
He found the good Pastor in deep conversation with an oil lamp, through which, unbeknownst to Brother Abednigo, God was speaking to the Pastor.
Brother Abednego vouchsafed his intelligence, which, he later recalled, had little effect upon the Pastor. He waited a while and the Pastor turned to him and quoted Nu:31:17-18: “Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.”
Brother Abednego was a little surprised and pointed out that he had seen no womenfolk. Pastor Worthy then appeared to address a cupboard and quoted 1Sa:27:8-9, “And David and his men went up, and invaded the Geshurites, and the Gezrites, and the Amalekites: for those nations were of old the inhabitants of the land, as thou goest to Shur, even unto the land of Egypt. And David smote the land, and left neither man nor woman alive, and took away the sheep, and the oxen, and the asses, and the camels, and the apparel, and returned, and came to Achish.”
Brother Abednego, rather than explain there was no cattle either, then left and rounded up a group of 63 men and told how the homunculi must be killed. The armed band then set forth for the forest. It is recorded that Pastor Worthy made an inexplicable appearance (bearing the earlier referenced oil lamp) as the group entered the woods but walked a little apart from the other men.
THE EVENTS IN THE CLEARING
On reaching the clearing, the homunculi were still there and still in conversation. The Godly Pastor nodded and all the homunculi were killed. (It was only later that it transpired that the homunculi were in fact midgets taking a break from a travelling freak show.)
The noises brought members of the Iowa tribe to see what was happening. On seeing the arrival of the Redskin, who had been of great help during the past years to the colony, Pastor gave the order, quoting Jer:13:14, “And I will dash them one against another, even the fathers and the sons together, saith the LORD: I will not pity, nor spare, nor have mercy, but destroy them.” The men reloaded and shot the Redskins.
THE TRIBULATIONS OF LAMENTATION JONES
In the uncomfortable silence that followed, a member of the group, Lamentations Jones, was heard to say, “That was a bit severe.” Whereupon Pastor Worthy approached him, anointed him with the oil from the lamp and ignited him with his tinderbox, all the while reciting Nu:11:1, And when the people complained, it displeased the LORD: and the LORD heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them that were in the uttermost parts of the camp.
As Lamentation Jones writhed on the ground in his death throes, the Good Pastor announced, from Isa:13:16, “Their children also shall be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses shall be spoiled, and their wives ravished.”
Fearing both the wrath of The Lord and that of the Pastor, the men did as commanded and the Indian village was consumed utterly, the papooses were held by the feet and swung against rocks and the women raped.
THE GLORIOUS END
At the conclusion, Pastor Worthy stood amongst the smoldering embers and screaming survivors and announced, “Ex:15:6: Thy right hand, O LORD, is become glorious in power: thy right hand, O LORD, hath dashed in pieces the enemy.”
The dead numbered 79, of the 23 survivors, 18 took their own lives within a year and the rest died of disease or malnutrition shortly afterwards.
And now you can clearly see the need for an apology. The actions were unforgiveable. Some have questioned Pastor Worthy’s sanity (but never more than once) others have put it down to a misquoting of scripture (and have been dealt with). But the fact remains; this was an appalling event for which no one may be lightly forgiven.
Landover expresses its deepest regrets – there was absolutely no reason to go out and kill anyone that day. As you will be aware, 8th April 1753 was a Sunday, and no work should have been done on The Lord’s Day.
“The only place you don’t want to hear “Jesus loves you” is in a Mexican prison.”