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Dear Friends,
Since reconstituting the True Christian™ Tithe Squad, Brother Bobby-Joe and I have gotten a number of questions and complaints. Hopefully, we can clear things up once and for all -- because with the amount of love offerings that are coming in, Operation Gentle Reminder is not ending anytime soon.
Question: Can I really be arrested for failing to tithe?
Answer: Technically speaking, we'd be within our rights to have God strike you dead for failing to tithe. Just ask Ananias and Sapphira. It's a well-settled legal principle that the greater power includes the lesser. See, e.g., Posadas de Puerto Rico Assocs. v. Tourism Co. of Puerto Rico, 478 U.S. 328, 345-46 (1986). Therefore, according to both the Bible and even the God-hating United States Supreme Court, yes, you really can be arrested for failing to tithe.
Question: Don't I have to be a church member to have a tithing obligation?
Answer: Yes. However, you are constructively deemed a church member unless you follow our simple opt-out procedure. To not be an LBC church member for tithing (as opposed to salvation) purposes, all you need to do is spend 36 hours on the streets of Freehold (or its greater Metropolitan Statistical Area) wearing a sandwhich board that reads, "I punch Jesus in the face." Get three notaries, including one veteran of the Spanish American War, WWI, or Grenada liberation, to certify in a written affidavit that they watched you the entire time. Then send that proof to your parents (if living), Congressional representatives, and the U.S. Department of Justice. Easy as that, you're off our rolls and have no tithing obligation!
Question: Doesn't the law require advance notice of asset seizures?
Answer: Notice is provided by means of publication in three consecutive issues of the Wasilla (Alaska) Frontiersman, the Samoa Observer, and the Somerset (New Jersey) Pennysaver prior to seizure. Your failure to observe this publication notice does not absolve you of tithing responsibilities.
Question: Why are my children and/or wife considered "assets"?
Answer: The definition of "asset" for tithing purposes includes "any physical reality that constitutes or is contained in your chattel property that can produce income or rent." Again, just opt out if you think you can't meet your Biblical obligations. Remember, "a word spoken in due season, how good is it!" Proverbs 15:23.
Question: Can I opt out retroactively?
Answer: No. "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1. In this case, you must opt out 30 days prior to the accrual of any spiritual blessings which you may receive as a result of being a member (for tithing, not salvation purposes) of the Landover Baptist Church. God does not take kindly to those who renege on their obligations after getting his blessings. "Therefore will I return, and take away my corn in the time thereof, and my wine in the season thereof, and will recover my wool and my flax given to cover her nakedness." Hosea 2:9.
Question: Why did you have to set my lawn on fire?
Answer: On advice of counsel, we cannot currently answer this question.
On a final note, Bobby-Joe and I do appreciate all the support we get from the people who do meet their tithing obligations. Love the Snickerdoodles, Glendora!
Yours in Him,
bab
Since reconstituting the True Christian™ Tithe Squad, Brother Bobby-Joe and I have gotten a number of questions and complaints. Hopefully, we can clear things up once and for all -- because with the amount of love offerings that are coming in, Operation Gentle Reminder is not ending anytime soon.
Question: Can I really be arrested for failing to tithe?
Answer: Technically speaking, we'd be within our rights to have God strike you dead for failing to tithe. Just ask Ananias and Sapphira. It's a well-settled legal principle that the greater power includes the lesser. See, e.g., Posadas de Puerto Rico Assocs. v. Tourism Co. of Puerto Rico, 478 U.S. 328, 345-46 (1986). Therefore, according to both the Bible and even the God-hating United States Supreme Court, yes, you really can be arrested for failing to tithe.
Question: Don't I have to be a church member to have a tithing obligation?
Answer: Yes. However, you are constructively deemed a church member unless you follow our simple opt-out procedure. To not be an LBC church member for tithing (as opposed to salvation) purposes, all you need to do is spend 36 hours on the streets of Freehold (or its greater Metropolitan Statistical Area) wearing a sandwhich board that reads, "I punch Jesus in the face." Get three notaries, including one veteran of the Spanish American War, WWI, or Grenada liberation, to certify in a written affidavit that they watched you the entire time. Then send that proof to your parents (if living), Congressional representatives, and the U.S. Department of Justice. Easy as that, you're off our rolls and have no tithing obligation!
Question: Doesn't the law require advance notice of asset seizures?
Answer: Notice is provided by means of publication in three consecutive issues of the Wasilla (Alaska) Frontiersman, the Samoa Observer, and the Somerset (New Jersey) Pennysaver prior to seizure. Your failure to observe this publication notice does not absolve you of tithing responsibilities.
Question: Why are my children and/or wife considered "assets"?
Answer: The definition of "asset" for tithing purposes includes "any physical reality that constitutes or is contained in your chattel property that can produce income or rent." Again, just opt out if you think you can't meet your Biblical obligations. Remember, "a word spoken in due season, how good is it!" Proverbs 15:23.
Question: Can I opt out retroactively?
Answer: No. "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1. In this case, you must opt out 30 days prior to the accrual of any spiritual blessings which you may receive as a result of being a member (for tithing, not salvation purposes) of the Landover Baptist Church. God does not take kindly to those who renege on their obligations after getting his blessings. "Therefore will I return, and take away my corn in the time thereof, and my wine in the season thereof, and will recover my wool and my flax given to cover her nakedness." Hosea 2:9.
Question: Why did you have to set my lawn on fire?
Answer: On advice of counsel, we cannot currently answer this question.
On a final note, Bobby-Joe and I do appreciate all the support we get from the people who do meet their tithing obligations. Love the Snickerdoodles, Glendora!
Yours in Him,
bab
, in fact, I'll go to a Police Station tomorrow and tell them
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