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  • #1

    Brothers I Need Your Help.

    I have been taught my whole life that masturbation (it almost makes me sick to see the word) is a blatant sin. I was wondering, is there any way to go about the act of self pleasuring without it being a slight against The Almighty?
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  • #2
    Re: Brothers I Need Your Help.

    No
    sigpic


    “We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

    Author of such illuminating essays as,
    Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.

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    • #3
      Re: Brothers I Need Your Help.

      Every time you spill your seed, you deeply offend Jesus and kill millions of potential future soldiers for Christ.

      Plus handling your tallywacker makes you a queer.
      Who Will Jesus Damn?

      Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

      Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

      Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

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      • #4
        Re: Brothers I Need Your Help.

        Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
        Every time you spill your seed, you deeply offend Jesus and kill millions of potential future soldiers for Christ.

        Plus handling your tallywacker makes you a queer.
        This is what I have always been taught by my elders, however I have heard of some people who claim to be believers in God who think that masturbation is right if your focus is on the Lord. What should I tell these people?

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        • #5
          Re: Brothers I Need Your Help.

          That they will end up in Hell.
          Psalm 81:10:
          I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt:
          open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.

          Comment

          • #6
            Re: Brothers I Need Your Help.

            Originally posted by Chronic Monkey Spanker View Post
            This is what I have always been taught by my elders, however I have heard of some people who claim to be believers in God who think that masturbation is right if your focus is on the Lord. What should I tell these people?
            You seem confused over something that's very simple. Masturbation is a sin forbidden by God, no ifs, ands or buts about it. But, I wonder if you and your girl have tried a little saddlebacking. You might find it to be an acceptable alternative to the M-activity.
            sigpic

            I loved Newt before Newt was invincible

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            • #7
              Re: Brothers I Need Your Help.

              Originally posted by Chronic Monkey Spanker View Post
              This is what I have always been taught by my elders, however I have heard of some people who claim to be believers in God who think that masturbation is right if your focus is on the Lord. What should I tell these people?
              Are you honestly saying that you pleasure yourself whilst thinking of the Lord? You sicken me. You symbolise all that is wrong with this "liberal" Christianity. Those mudslimes have got the right idea. You could be doing something innocently phallic as milking a cow, but if you so much as think of a single strand of Mohammed's beard whilst doing it, it'll be your meat and two veg on the chopping table.
              BEHOLD!!!
                             THE BUS TO DAMNATION!
              sigpic
              May Jesus guide this Bus off a cliff and STRAIGHT TO HELL!

              Comment

              • #8
                Re: Brothers I Need Your Help.

                Sounds to me like a combine accident in the making.
                Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
                Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
                Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
                Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
                Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
                Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.

                Comment

                • #9
                  Re: Brothers I Need Your Help.

                  Indeed. Say what you will about the mudslimes, but impromptu birth control is definitely a method of reducing the heathen waste problem that we should look into.
                  BEHOLD!!!
                                     THE BUS TO DAMNATION!
                  sigpic
                  May Jesus guide this Bus off a cliff and STRAIGHT TO HELL!

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    Re: Brothers I Need Your Help.

                    I really do not beleive in 'birth control' when there are so many things that can happen.
                    Combines
                    Falling down stairs
                    Falling out of the bed of the pick or off the back of the Harley
                    Boxing class
                    Throwing Hay up into the loft

                    All accidents are not bad accidents, some are good.
                    Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
                    Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
                    Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
                    Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
                    Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
                    Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.

                    Comment

                    • #11
                      Re: Brothers I Need Your Help.

                      Originally posted by Chronic Monkey Spanker View Post
                      I have been taught my whole life that masturbation (it almost makes me sick to see the word) is a blatant sin. I was wondering, is there any way to go about the act of self pleasuring without it being a slight against The Almighty?

                      If you enjoy the M-activity, then you enjoy holding your tallywacker, and if you enjoy holding your tallywacker, then whats going to stop you from enjoying holding other mens' tallywackers. And if you enjoy holding other tallywackers, you are gay. Capice?
                      Matthew 7:15
                      Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.

                      Comment

                      • #12
                        Re: Brothers I Need Your Help.

                        Just a helpful hint. If you MUST touch your tally whacker for some reason we recommend using tongs.



                        That way you never have to touch yourself and you won't be turned gay.

                        Helpful, Sister Thumper
                        sigpic

                        Tweet me Here
                        My GODLY Bio Here

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                        • #13
                          Re: Brothers I Need Your Help.

                          what about if your having sex with your wife and you pull out at the last minute. Is that considered a sin?

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                          • #14
                            Re: Brothers I Need Your Help.

                            Originally posted by ppforhim View Post
                            what about if your having sex with your wife and you pull out at the last minute. Is that considered a sin?
                            Good for you for not supporting the evil condom industry. But, I hope you're not pulling it out and spraying your seed in her face. That would be vulgar and disgusting and the Lord will not suffer it.
                            May you be a blessing to every life you touch.

                            Comment

                            • #15
                              Re: Brothers I Need Your Help.

                              Originally posted by ppforhim View Post
                              what about if your having sex with your wife and you pull out at the last minute. Is that considered a sin?
                              Dear "I am to lazy to read The Bible"

                              That is what God struck Onan down for.

                              Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.

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