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  #1  
Old 03-10-2008, 09:14 AM
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Default True Christian™ Tithe Squad FAQ

Dear Friends,

Since reconstituting the True Christian™ Tithe Squad, Brother Bobby-Joe and I have gotten a number of questions and complaints. Hopefully, we can clear things up once and for all -- because with the amount of love offerings that are coming in, Operation Gentle Reminder is not ending anytime soon.

Question: Can I really be arrested for failing to tithe?

Answer: Technically speaking, we'd be within our rights to have God strike you dead for failing to tithe. Just ask Ananias and Sapphira. It's a well-settled legal principle that the greater power includes the lesser. See, e.g., Posadas de Puerto Rico Assocs. v. Tourism Co. of Puerto Rico, 478 U.S. 328, 345-46 (1986). Therefore, according to both the Bible and even the God-hating United States Supreme Court, yes, you really can be arrested for failing to tithe.

Question: Don't I have to be a church member to have a tithing obligation?

Answer: Yes. However, you are constructively deemed a church member unless you follow our simple opt-out procedure. To not be an LBC church member for tithing (as opposed to salvation) purposes, all you need to do is spend 36 hours on the streets of Freehold (or its greater Metropolitan Statistical Area) wearing a sandwhich board that reads, "I punch Jesus in the face." Get three notaries, including one veteran of the Spanish American War, WWI, or Grenada liberation, to certify in a written affidavit that they watched you the entire time. Then send that proof to your parents (if living), Congressional representatives, and the U.S. Department of Justice. Easy as that, you're off our rolls and have no tithing obligation!

Question: Doesn't the law require advance notice of asset seizures?

Answer: Notice is provided by means of publication in three consecutive issues of the Wasilla (Alaska) Frontiersman, the Samoa Observer, and the Somerset (New Jersey) Pennysaver prior to seizure. Your failure to observe this publication notice does not absolve you of tithing responsibilities.

Question: Why are my children and/or wife considered "assets"?

Answer: The definition of "asset" for tithing purposes includes "any physical reality that constitutes or is contained in your chattel property that can produce income or rent." Again, just opt out if you think you can't meet your Biblical obligations. Remember, "a word spoken in due season, how good is it!" Proverbs 15:23.

Question: Can I opt out retroactively?

Answer: No. "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1. In this case, you must opt out 30 days prior to the accrual of any spiritual blessings which you may receive as a result of being a member (for tithing, not salvation purposes) of the Landover Baptist Church. God does not take kindly to those who renege on their obligations after getting his blessings. "Therefore will I return, and take away my corn in the time thereof, and my wine in the season thereof, and will recover my wool and my flax given to cover her nakedness." Hosea 2:9.

Question: Why did you have to set my lawn on fire?

Answer: On advice of counsel, we cannot currently answer this question.

On a final note, Bobby-Joe and I do appreciate all the support we get from the people who do meet their tithing obligations. Love the Snickerdoodles, Glendora!

Yours in Him,
bab
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  #2  
Old 03-10-2008, 02:08 PM
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Default Re: True Christian™ Tithe Squad FAQ

Quote:
Originally Posted by Born Again Bob View Post
On a final note, Bobby-Joe and I do appreciate all the support we get from the people who do meet their tithing obligations. Love the Snickerdoodles, Glendora!

Yours in Him,
bab
It's the lest I can do for our Lord who briefly suffered and died for our sins Brother Bob. Now if certain members of our congregation kept that in mind and weren't so selfish they wouldn't have to worry about their daughters having to relocate to the Middle East to take up a missionary position.

Remember brethren we of the Tithe Squad are happy when the Baby Jesus is happy.
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  #3  
Old 03-11-2008, 10:56 PM
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Default Re: True Christian™ Tithe Squad FAQ

Quote:
Originally Posted by Born Again Bob View Post
It's a well-settled legal principle that the greater power includes the lesser. See, e.g., Posadas de Puerto Rico Assocs. v. Tourism Co. of Puerto Rico, 478 U.S. 328, 345-46 (1986).
Never, in my wildest imagination, did I expect to see Posadas cited here. Chief Justice Rhenquist (a great, great man IMHO), writing for the Court, reached the right result, but I would have been a lot happier had he not cited Bigelow v. Virginia with approval.
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  #4  
Old 03-13-2008, 03:23 AM
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Default Re: True Christian™ Tithe Squad FAQ

Hello.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Born Again Bob View Post
Get three notaries, including one veteran of the Spanish American War, WWI, or Grenada liberation, to certify in a written affidavit that they watched you the entire time.
Good news: I am a notary.

Bad news: I may not live 36 hours.

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Old 03-22-2008, 07:06 AM
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Default Re: True Christian™ Tithe Squad FAQ

God forgive me for failing you. I emptied my pockets and gave all I had. See my $2.38 paypal love offering. Amen.
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  #6  
Old 03-22-2008, 09:07 AM
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Default Re: True Christian™ Tithe Squad FAQ

Dear Friend,

You think that your failure to properly tithe has no real consequence. But it gives Satan a toehold in your life. Please see below demon larvae our staff has removed from the souls of incomplete tithers.




Can you really sleep at night knowing the Beast grows in you?

Make a full tithe....while you can.

Yours in Him,
bab
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  #7  
Old 04-04-2008, 05:34 PM
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Default Re: True Christian™ Tithe Squad FAQ

Well, another topic made of filthy lies, come and arrest me for not paying a made up tithe that doesn't exist , in fact, I'll go to a Police Station tomorrow and tell them
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Old 04-04-2008, 07:29 PM
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Default Re: True Christian™ Tithe Squad FAQ

Quote:
Originally Posted by Heroine View Post
Well, another topic made of filthy lies, come and arrest me for not paying a made up tithe that doesn't exist , in fact, I'll go to a Police Station tomorrow and tell them
Most wise. I suggest you call at Landover Police station and ask for Brother Bobby-Joe.
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Amen Bathfire E
We are the pure and chosen few,
And all the rest are damned.
There’s room enough in hell for you—
We don’t want heaven crammed.
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Old 04-04-2008, 07:33 PM
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Default Re: True Christian™ Tithe Squad FAQ

Quote:
Originally Posted by bearhugs View Post
God forgive me for failing you. I emptied my pockets and gave all I had. See my $2.38 paypal love offering. Amen.
And it is appreciated. Your donation has gone towards the upkeep of the Godly LearJet. This level of tithing entitles you to look for Landover on a map.
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We are the pure and chosen few,
And all the rest are damned.
There’s room enough in hell for you—
We don’t want heaven crammed.
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  #10  
Old 11-16-2008, 06:22 AM
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Default Re: True Christian™ Tithe Squad FAQ

Praise Jesus! This is the season to remember HIM!!
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Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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  #11  
Old 11-17-2008, 10:10 PM
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Default Re: True Christian™ Tithe Squad FAQ

What will $10 get you.
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  #12  
Old 11-17-2008, 10:32 PM
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Default Re: True Christian™ Tithe Squad FAQ

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Seth Cochran View Post
What will $10 get you.
Send it in and find out, Seth!
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  #13  
Old 11-17-2008, 10:40 PM
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Default Re: True Christian™ Tithe Squad FAQ

I did. I got released from Quarantine and put on Parole. Is that what is was? I never made the connection. Thanks Jesus!
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Old 11-18-2008, 07:23 AM
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Default Re: True Christian™ Tithe Squad FAQ

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I did. I got released from Quarantine and put on Parole. Is that what is was? I never made the connection. Thanks Jesus!
I'm sure that will be a monthly love offering, right?

After all, we want Jesus to continue to smile upon you!
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Old 11-18-2008, 07:33 AM
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Default Re: True Christian™ Tithe Squad FAQ

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Originally Posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post
And it is appreciated. Your donation has gone towards the upkeep of the Godly LearJet. This level of tithing entitles you to look for Landover on a map.
We have no Lear jets, and I sincerely hope I don't have to go back to one of those cramped cocoons after getting used to my Gulfstream IV!

I was actually considering a Boeing 777.
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Old 04-24-2011, 03:13 AM
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Default Re: True Christian™ Tithe Squad FAQ

As I just posted in another thread, Malachi 3:8-12 is reason enough to pull out that no-limit American Express and max it out!
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  #17  
Old 08-05-2011, 02:29 PM
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Default Re: True Christian™ Tithe Squad FAQ

well, I'd like to tithe some of my Confederate gold coins to LBC, what we had in the Humongous family for generations? Them coins in real gold toboot! Nobody excepts them around here though. Maybe y'all all can melt em down or somethin.

YIC,
Lori Humongous
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Old 08-05-2011, 07:47 PM
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Default Re: True Christian™ Tithe Squad FAQ

I so want to tithe this month but with the increase in gas prices thanks to thank monkey obama and increased health care costs...thanks to obama... the cost of fuel and medical bills I have to pay for the injuries I received while serving in the army make it impossible at this time. Anyone know if I can actually sue that bastard? If so I'd gladly donate the money I get from that.
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Old 08-08-2011, 06:32 AM
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Default Re: True Christian™ Tithe Squad FAQ

Believe it or not, Jesus was actually AGAINST tithing:

(see Matthew 23:23, Luke 11:42, Luke 18:9-14)
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Old 08-08-2011, 06:42 AM
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Default Re: True Christian™ Tithe Squad FAQ

Quote:
Originally Posted by XtianAnarchist View Post
Believe it or not, Jesus was actually AGAINST tithing:

(see Matthew 23:23, Luke 11:42, Luke 18:9-14)
Liar! Jesus wants us to give until it hurts and then give some more!

If any True Christians out there want to listen to this guy.
I'll expect an extra love gift from you all just because of this feckless maggot!

Luke 21:1-4 And he looked up, and saw the rich men casting their gifts into the treasury. And he saw also a certain poor widow casting in thither two mites.
And he said, Of a truth I say unto you, that this poor widow hath cast in more than they all:
For all these have of their abundance cast in unto the offerings of God: but she of her penury hath cast in all the living that she had.
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