Windows 7 problems? Windows 7 is Dead! JesOS 7 Released

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

You all have probably noted an improvement in the speed at which this forum loads; snappier and clearer graphics and a sound quality you can hardly believe. Well, let me let you into a secret. Those biblical IT characters who speak a language no one can understand, over at the Computing Dept. of Landover Christian University have finally released JesOS 7 and put it on the Child of Ham Server

To appreciate this new Operating System to the max, you will need:

• 8Gb of (sacrificial) RAM
• 3 giga-qubits of free Hard Drive space
• the latest “Archangel” chip (Codenamed Michael) running at 20 megamiracles per eye-twinkle.

As a bonus JesOS7 has

• Ephod anti-demon prayerware in the Cache that load automatically
• Prayer-mail Version KJ now allowing the uploading of multimedia with your prayers
• The Word Processor “Paul 150AD” with illuminated fonts and 17th century spell checker, now with Manna v7.0.8
• Revelation v 5.0.9.17, a big improvement on v 5.0.9.16. This actually allows you to wipe the Hard Disks of atheists even if you only know their email address.

But wait! There is more!

• If some atheist or muslin terrorist cuts your power lines, don’t worry. Whereas with JesOS 6, this might mean a re-install, JesOS 7 has the Resurrection Button. Just click this and not only will your computer restore all your life’s work, it will also be 100% error-free from all your past mistakes!

I loaded it onto my computer yesterday and I must say it is as smooth and swift as Philip’s conversion the Eunuch and very forgiving.

Should you upgrade? Well, if you are thinking of a new computer and considering doing any serious fellowshipping with God or even writing a few volumes of praise to Him, then the Prayer-mail version KJ is worth it in itself.

This is just a quick review, others will add their experiences.

[Nobar King]

Re: Windows 7 is Dead! JesOS 7 Released

I've been waiting for JesOS 7 since my last upgrade to my system which kept me bogged down with glitches and protocol errors. I hope this one works better for me!

[Bryan Tamariki]

Re: Windows 7 is Dead! JesOS 7 Released

Brother Ezekiel where do I purchase this Godly upgrade?

YIC
Bryan.

[James Hutchins]

Re: Windows 7 is Dead! JesOS 7 Released

I have been anxiously awaiting this new version as I know all the True Christians™ were polled on needed features and issues. I take great comfort knowing my input was instrumental in its' design and that it has the processing power of God in its' kernel.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Windows 7 is Dead! JesOS 7 Released

I've been waiting for JesOS 7 since my last upgrade to my system which kept me bogged down with glitches and protocol errors. I hope this one works better for me!

Yes, I agree, JesOS 6 was buggy. It suffered from a lack of authentic documentation, guidance was open to interpretation and a lot of the internet help forums were full of idiots who had a personal interpretation of what instructions there were.

Nevertheless, I still recommend following every word of the instructions.

I recall that, in deference to the Trinity, no 3 keys could be pressed at once, thus Commentary Mode (Save+Home+Soul) could not be accessed. This has been readdressed by assuming any 3 keys to be the equivalent of one. (Obvious really.)

Another glitch to have been cured, is contradictory instructions. Whereas before, you may not have known whether saving a file was by believing you had saved it or by believing that you had done enough to save it, now it is by believing you have saved it by confidence alone (as long as you have accepted the license conditions.)

Brother Ezekiel where do I purchase this Godly upgrade?

YIC
Bryan.

Purchase is the wrong word. All God’s gifts are free. JesOS 7 comes free with every donation over $500 to Landover Baptist Church.

I have been anxiously awaiting this new version as I know all the True Christians™ were polled on needed features and issues. I take great comfort knowing my input was instrumental in its' design and that it has the processing power of God in its' kernel.

Yes, we thank all those who contributed to the new release.

We saved quite a lot of development money by simply having our Prayer Warriors asking God to ensure the prototype was OK - and it seems to have worked.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Windows 7 is Dead! JesOS 7 Released

We have a release candidate of JesOS™ Mobile 7 up and running. Here are some of the exciting features:

• JesOS™ Mobile synchronizes over the Freehold Christian Wireless 3G network with both your Exchange server and the LBC congregation-management server. This way, the today screen can show the Bible verse of the day and your current tithing status, and pastors can schedule mandatory pastoral counseling sessions and have them sent to your device.
• The dialer includes one-touch dialing to several church offices. It also auto-answers and activates the speakerphone whenever a pastor calls.
• Applications must be downloaded from the app store; this ensures that the DOF can pre-approve all apps.
• Pre-installed apps include a fully word-searchable KJV ebook and a tithing calculator. The tip calculator was deleted from the release candidate after True Christian™ focus groups didn't understand what it was for.
• The navigator app connects to your device's GPS receiver to determine whether you are entering certain locations that the pastors have deemed off-limits, such as a certain all-night diner on Schlafly Road. The first time, you will receive an automatically generated rebuke via SMS. After that, the device will deliver an electric shock. SMS notifications will also be sent to the pastors and to your accountability partner.

[James Hutchins]

Re: Windows 7 is Dead! JesOS 7 Released

You know, one of the oft not mentioned features of the entire JesOS systems is the seamless integration with the DoF. Just knowing that every web site I visit, every email I send and receive, every Word document I create is filtered by those wonderful folks enables me to sleep like a baby every night. They prevent all viruses, prevent accidental access of inappropriate web sites (you have no idea how shocked I was when I tried to access the Whitehouse!) I never get any spam. All emails from my children to those of the opposite sex are squashed enroute. Even accidental innuendos in a Word document are dealt with. Before the JesOS system, I remember I wrote a shopping list for the Mrs. to follow religiously. I have on it "Two large, full breasts". Obviously, I meant chicken. That evening my wife was so upset. She thought I meant for her to get massive implants and she did not have enough money, bless her heart (I only give her enough for the days shopping, not a penny more). Now, with the JesOS, those same words are automatically changed to 'Two Chicken Halves'.

Praise JesOS!

[Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S.]

Re: Windows 7 is Dead! JesOS 7 Released

Since I and several of my brighter Creation Computer Science graduate students have been working closely on this project, we will release some screenshots and more advanced information within the next week or so, so please bear with us. It has been a hectic semester, especially with President 0Bama being stingy with the Creation-bucks.

[Talitha]

Re: Windows 7 is Dead! JesOS 7 Released

In Biblical terms, the number 7 has major significance.
I feel that the release of this wondrous new JesOS™ software is further sign that Jesus shall soon be with us.

The whole Word of God is founded upon the number SEVEN. It stands for the SEVENTH day of the Creation Week, and speaks of the Millennial Rest day.

It denotes COMPLETENESS or PERFECTION.

SEVEN times the Book of Life is mentioned in the Bible. The Book of Revelation is a Book of SEVENS. We have SEVEN churches, SEVEN seals, SEVEN Trumpets, SEVEN Personages, SEVEN veils, SEVEN dooms, SEVEN new things. It is the COMPLETENESS of all things.

Life operates in a cycle of SEVENS. Changes take place in the body every SEVEN years. There are SEVEN bones in the neck, SEVEN bones in the face, SEVEN bones in the ankle, and SEVEN holes in the head. Most births are multiple of SEVENS. The hen sits three weeks (21 days); the pigeon two weeks (14 days); after having laid eggs for two weeks.
Of 129 species of Mammal the majority have a period from conception to birth of an exact number of weeks, a multiple of SEVEN.

If you pass sunlight through a prism, it produces seven colors - the three primary colors and four secondary ones.



.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Windows 7 is Dead! JesOS 7 Released

The significance is overwhelming Sister! Praise!

[Wash O'Hanley]

Re: Windows 7 problems? Windows 7 is Dead! JesOS 7 Released

The porn-blocking software on JesOS 7 is both stunning and a true testament to the work that god put in to making it.



It used to be that only gay men and perverted teens could look at pornography like this unaffected, but just look at how JesOS 7 turned this image of unspeakable iniquity into family-friendly viewing by automatically blocking out the naughty parts and putting a picture of Lawrence Welk over that hussy's face-- now everyone can enjoy it!

[Rev. Jim Osborne]

Re: Windows 7 problems? Windows 7 is Dead! JesOS 7 Released

I upgraded to JesOS 7™ today from the (admittedly buggy) JesOS 6™, and I have noticed the marked improvement. However, as Brother Wash pointed out, the porn filter is stronger than ever (as that test would show). However, I am part of the organization Christian Republicans Against Pornography, and I have literally several hundreds of gigs of hardcore smut and filth on my hard drives/SD cards/etc. for cataloging and research purposes. I find this filter to get in the way of doing my research for eradicating pornography.

(As an example, I tried accessing www.asiansexyshemales.com and www.ladyboystars.com and was completely blocked from accessing it. I can understand why you would block a normal user, like a teenager, but I'm a Godly True Christian™ pastor and I have a moral obligation to do my work!)

At the launch party this week, I thought I might've overheard Dr. Ville and Pastor Bathfire discussing the porn filter and ways around it. So, is it possible for me to bypass this filter because it is crippling my research? Christian Republicans Against Pornography is counting on me to submit a report for December's issue and I'm really behind in my work.

Please help me soon as possible. Like I said JesOS 7™ is fantastic, but once I can get rid of this damned porn filter, then everything would be perfect with the system. Thanks.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: Windows 7 problems? Windows 7 is Dead! JesOS 7 Released

I have a feature request (probably feature creep here) but, is there some way you could make it not work on Intel chips? I ask this because Intel wants people to work on the Sabbath, which breaks the 10 commandments. It's as bad as expecting employees to murder. We should do what we can to support these rioters:

Maybe they'll even repay us by leaving the synagogue of Satan.

[Felicity]

Re: Windows 7 problems? Windows 7 is Dead! JesOS 7 Released

@Pastor Isaac Peters Thank you for getting me that jPad with JesOS™ Mobile 7. That new AutoScripture® feature is very convenient. I love having the Bible at my fingertips! #KJV1611

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Windows 7 problems? Windows 7 is Dead! JesOS 7 Released

@Pastor Isaac Peters Thank you for getting me that jPad with JesOS™ Mobile 7. That new AutoScripture® feature is very convenient. I love having the Bible at my fingertips! #KJV1611

You're quite welcome, sweetie. I pray that certain false Christians whom I could name will eventually buy one, since they need all the Biblical correctness they can get .