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Rev. Jim Converts a New Ager; California 1978
Tonight, Rev. Jim is gonna lay a story on you. A story from when the wayback dial was set to the Obama position (extreme left, for you simple types). The year was 1978. I was a 38 year old pastor in Southern California, just enjoying my new-found millions by partnering up with Paul and Jan Crouch and Rev. Jim Bakker in the syndicated television network, Trinity Broadcasting Network.
Times were high and the Holy Spirit was rolling through me like an express train full of Jews gettin high hell outta Germany. PRAISE THE LOOOOORD!
So, here I was in sunny Suburban Orange County, California....1978. One helluva hot summer, and I'm wandering the streets of Irvine, CA in an upscale neighborhood trying to find a thirty-something New Age trance medidation devil worshipper to convert.
I finally found the place, and pulled up in my Trans-Am. It was brown and yellow. Perhaps quite nasty from today's standards, but those colors were hip back in the day. I used to root for the brown-and-yellow San Diego Padres.
Anyways, I knock on the door. This blonde woman in a negligee answers the door. As a pastor, it is my duty to uphold the Word of God, so I immediately ask why is she dressed like a dirty slut? She replies, ever so innocently with a doe-eyed look, "Because no one else was home, I was sleeping, and I wasn't expecting company.". Well, look, when it comes to a beautiful woman, all logic fails. Like, it doesn't matter what she says, you'll believe it. Same here in this case.
I introduce myself "My name is Rev. Jim Osborne. Your friend Tammy sent me over to talk to you."
"Oh yes, come on in, where are my manners", said this half-naked blonde with alluring makeup.
"So...you're here.....all alone?" I said, somewhat hesitantly.
"Yes. My husband is an aerospace engineer and he doesn't get home until 11 o clock at night. It gets lonely staying home and watching All My Children."
"I see.", I said. "You know, there's a best friend that will cure any loneliness and his name is Jesus."
"Yes, I've worked with Jesus. I've done both Jesus and Krishna in tantric sex gnostic ritual."
"You, uh, worked with what with the what in the what now?" I sputtered.
"Tantric sex gnostic ritual. You know, by Aleister Crowley, but appended by L. Ron Hubbard? You should try it. Opens up both outlets to the spiritual realm!"
Now, there was no way I was involving myself with some kind of Led Zeppelin worshipping Ozzy Osbourne while raping a goat crap, and no way was I going to open up two outlets (let alone one) to some so-called "spiritual realm". This bitch was batshit crazy and it was my duty to pound the Word of God inch by inch into her restrictive body!
"No, I know something better", I said with a leering smile. "I know how you can get touched by the Holy Spirit.
I laid my hand gingerly upon her shoulder.
"And how you can get filled by the Love of Christ."
My other hand caressed her hair.
"And experience spiritual ecstacy by following the AV1611 KJV Bible word for word", as I whispered into her ear.
"More, more, more" she cried out in an Andrea True kinda way.
I could hear the 70's funk music in my head. Like some raunchy porno. Oh, she had Charlie's Angels on TV. Let me turn that crap off.
So I slowly told her, piece by piece, how Christ died for her sins and that God wants her to have eternal life, and how she can attain it through proper behavior and actions.
She squirmed and resisted, but ultimately I stuffed the Truth into her tightly-enclosed mind.
The next few hours were passionate and amazing. I was shouting at the top of my lungs how much Jesus loves her, and she panted "Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!" over and over, overcame by ecstacy of experiencing the Lord for the first time. Whenever a young woman takes on the Lord her first time, often it is accompanied by a hysterical reaction. And I do mean the medical term.
After a while, I was exhausted. My tongue was tired from all the preaching. I dug up the entire New Testament from memory and laid it on thick to that young lady. I was determined to inseminate a positive mindset into her. Well, she was impressed.
She renounced her Californian New Age ways and embraced Christ with her arms that one, long, hot, awesome Summer afternoon. Oh how did she embrace Him. I'll never forget it.....one, steamy, long, suffering, hot, hot, hot summer...July 11, 1978...the suburban streets of Irvine, California. Never forget...never forget.
Times were high and the Holy Spirit was rolling through me like an express train full of Jews gettin high hell outta Germany. PRAISE THE LOOOOORD!
So, here I was in sunny Suburban Orange County, California....1978. One helluva hot summer, and I'm wandering the streets of Irvine, CA in an upscale neighborhood trying to find a thirty-something New Age trance medidation devil worshipper to convert.
I finally found the place, and pulled up in my Trans-Am. It was brown and yellow. Perhaps quite nasty from today's standards, but those colors were hip back in the day. I used to root for the brown-and-yellow San Diego Padres.
Anyways, I knock on the door. This blonde woman in a negligee answers the door. As a pastor, it is my duty to uphold the Word of God, so I immediately ask why is she dressed like a dirty slut? She replies, ever so innocently with a doe-eyed look, "Because no one else was home, I was sleeping, and I wasn't expecting company.". Well, look, when it comes to a beautiful woman, all logic fails. Like, it doesn't matter what she says, you'll believe it. Same here in this case.
I introduce myself "My name is Rev. Jim Osborne. Your friend Tammy sent me over to talk to you."
"Oh yes, come on in, where are my manners", said this half-naked blonde with alluring makeup.
"So...you're here.....all alone?" I said, somewhat hesitantly.
"Yes. My husband is an aerospace engineer and he doesn't get home until 11 o clock at night. It gets lonely staying home and watching All My Children."
"I see.", I said. "You know, there's a best friend that will cure any loneliness and his name is Jesus."
"Yes, I've worked with Jesus. I've done both Jesus and Krishna in tantric sex gnostic ritual."
"You, uh, worked with what with the what in the what now?" I sputtered.
"Tantric sex gnostic ritual. You know, by Aleister Crowley, but appended by L. Ron Hubbard? You should try it. Opens up both outlets to the spiritual realm!"
Now, there was no way I was involving myself with some kind of Led Zeppelin worshipping Ozzy Osbourne while raping a goat crap, and no way was I going to open up two outlets (let alone one) to some so-called "spiritual realm". This bitch was batshit crazy and it was my duty to pound the Word of God inch by inch into her restrictive body!
"No, I know something better", I said with a leering smile. "I know how you can get touched by the Holy Spirit.
I laid my hand gingerly upon her shoulder.
"And how you can get filled by the Love of Christ."
My other hand caressed her hair.
"And experience spiritual ecstacy by following the AV1611 KJV Bible word for word", as I whispered into her ear.
"More, more, more" she cried out in an Andrea True kinda way.
I could hear the 70's funk music in my head. Like some raunchy porno. Oh, she had Charlie's Angels on TV. Let me turn that crap off.
So I slowly told her, piece by piece, how Christ died for her sins and that God wants her to have eternal life, and how she can attain it through proper behavior and actions.
She squirmed and resisted, but ultimately I stuffed the Truth into her tightly-enclosed mind.
The next few hours were passionate and amazing. I was shouting at the top of my lungs how much Jesus loves her, and she panted "Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!" over and over, overcame by ecstacy of experiencing the Lord for the first time. Whenever a young woman takes on the Lord her first time, often it is accompanied by a hysterical reaction. And I do mean the medical term.
After a while, I was exhausted. My tongue was tired from all the preaching. I dug up the entire New Testament from memory and laid it on thick to that young lady. I was determined to inseminate a positive mindset into her. Well, she was impressed.
She renounced her Californian New Age ways and embraced Christ with her arms that one, long, hot, awesome Summer afternoon. Oh how did she embrace Him. I'll never forget it.....one, steamy, long, suffering, hot, hot, hot summer...July 11, 1978...the suburban streets of Irvine, California. Never forget...never forget.
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