[its_faith]

Re: Caught my son masturbating, what should I do?

I would say a good beating from his father is in order.

[Youth Minister Harry]

Re: Caught my son masturbating, what should I do?

As a reminder, if you have a boy between the ages of 5 and 15, height weight proportional (no fatties), please be sure to register them in this year's annual Masturbation Workshop & Lock-in. This year's event will take place in the prayer shed behind the old spanking station. As always, crackers and sleepy-time punch will be provided. Praise God!

[Ph0enix808]

Re: Caught my son masturbating, what should I do?

As a reminder, if you have a boy between the ages of 5 and 15, height weight proportional (no fatties), please be sure to register them in this year's annual Masturbation Workshop & Lock-in. This year's event will take place in the prayer shed behind the old spanking station. As always, crackers and sleepy-time punch will be provided. Praise God!

I would be happy to register my kids!

they do not masturbate but its good to keep them out of that evil act

[Alphonse Alban]

Re: Caught my son masturbating, what should I do?

You see, homosexuals are habituated to correlate sex with pain.

Gaysexuals have to take drugs to endure it

[Sister Truth]

Re: Caught my son masturbating, what should I do?

As a reminder, if you have a boy between the ages of 5 and 15, height weight proportional (no fatties), please be sure to register them in this year's annual Masturbation Workshop & Lock-in. This year's event will take place in the prayer shed behind the old spanking station. As always, crackers and sleepy-time punch will be provided. Praise God!

Sir,

I extend my apologies for speaking and for challenging your word. Mr. Truth has enrolled 8 of his 9 sons in your workshop, all of whom I am sure will learn a valauable lesson from it. However, it is my youngest son, Absalom, aged 3.5, whom I am most concerned about. He recently asked for a Pillow Pet for his birthday (and we all know that Satan uses soft playthings as bait for innocent children). Of course Mr. Truth beat him with the refreshing hardness of his rifle, and withheld his dinner for 3 days. But I can still sense the sin in him, as he also asked to (gasp) sleep in the bed with my Master and I last night.

Would it be too much to trouble to bend the rules and allow Absalom to attend the workshop as well? Mr Truth is willing to double the admission fee. Or will we be required to wait until he is 5?

Signed with the Blood of Christ,

Sister Truth per Mr. Truth

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Caught my son masturbating, what should I do?

Sir,

I extend my apologies for speaking and for challenging your word. Mr. Truth has enrolled 8 of his 9 sons in your workshop, all of whom I am sure will learn a valauable lesson from it.

I don't think so, dear. You see, Freehold is a gated community that exists to support God through supporting Landover Baptist Church, through our esteemed Pastor Zeke. Landover Baptist Church has been named "Most Select Church In America" by U.S. News and World Report, "Now Harder To Get Into Than Harvard." Our Holy Church is modeled after Heaven, and if you thought it was that was hard to get into (Matthew 7:21), you've never encountered Sister Cookie in the Office. Youth programs function to provide the church with the next generation of Tithers, and therefore exist solely for the children of the Saved, lest our children be contaminated with the unsaved, which expressly irks the LORD (Deuteronomy 17:7; Romans 16:17; 1 Corinthians 5:12-13; etc). Sinful children aren't welcome in Freehold. No offense.

[Sister Truth]

Re: Caught my son masturbating, what should I do?

I don't think so, dear. You see, Freehold is a gated community that exists to support God through supporting Landover Baptist Church, through our esteemed Pastor Zeke. Landover Baptist Church has been named "Most Select Church In America" by U.S. News and World Report, "Now Harder To Get Into Than Harvard." Our Holy Church is modeled after Heaven, and if you thought it was that was hard to get into (Matthew 7:21), you've never encountered Sister Cookie in the Office. Youth programs function to provide the church with the next generation of Tithers, and therefore exist solely for the children of the Saved, lest our children be contaminated with the unsaved, which expressly irks the LORD (Deuteronomy 17:7; Romans 16:17; 1 Corinthians 5:12-13; etc). Sinful children aren't welcome in Freehold. No offense.

Hello Sister Mary Etheldreda,

Yes, Mr. Truth has received the letter of denial for his sons. He will continue to beat them with his own hands, with the prayer that they may be redeemed of their wicked ways. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me, being the sinner that I am, in such a Godly manner. Christ is with you.

Signed with the Blood of Jesus,

Sister Truth per Mr. Truth

[Fred Hall]

Re: Caught my son masturbating, what should I do?

Hello Sister Mary Etheldreda,

Yes, Mr. Truth has received the letter of denial for his sons. He will continue to beat them with his own hands, with the prayer that they may be redeemed of their wicked ways. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me, being the sinner that I am, in such a Godly manner. Christ is with you.

Signed with the Blood of Jesus,

Sister Truth per Mr. Truth

You never know... all hope may not be lost. Please contact Youth Minister Harry, he may be able to help your sons. No doubt it will take a strong helping hand, and many hours of bending over in prayer on the part of your sons. But if brother Harry cannot help, I don't know anybody else that could.

[Youth Minister Harry]

Re: Caught my son masturbating, what should I do?

Hello Sister Mary Etheldreda,

Yes, Mr. Truth has received the letter of denial for his sons. He will continue to beat them with his own hands, with the prayer that they may be redeemed of their wicked ways. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me, being the sinner that I am, in such a Godly manner. Christ is with you.

Signed with the Blood of Jesus,

Sister Truth per Mr. Truth

Mrs. Sister,
I've met with the pastors and we prayed furiously together as we thought of your boy. While Landover has a strict "Unsaved Are Unwelcome" policy and cannot admit the dirty filthy little heathen here on The Lord's property, I have an alternate proposal. Every year, I travel the country with a caravan of Landover Youth Ministers for our annual Boys-Deep Penetration Outreach Program. We minister to the boys in intensive one-on-one prayer fellowships in our mobile prayer Winnebago. Good boys are then hand picked to pray with us in God's Favorite Ice Cream Truck™. As for your son, I've been told by some pastors that 3.5 is just not enough for them, but I'll admit, I've worked with smaller! He'll do just fine.

PRAISE GOD! God's plan is that we come unto you!

A tithing officer will be in touch with you to make the payment arrangements. Congratulations!

[lauren1976]

Re: Caught my son masturbating, what should I do?

simple, chop it off, had same think with my stepson playing with his balls so i had them chopped off

[Didymus Much]

Re: Caught my son masturbating, what should I do?

simple, chop it off, had same think with my stepson playing with his balls so i had them chopped off

No pic = no proof.

No Scripture = no justification for any of your actions or recommendations.

And not even an introduction thread, still? How about you explain why the moderators here shouldn't ban you right now for rudeness?

[handmaiden]

Re: Caught my son masturbating, what should I do?

Does that young man have a younger brother? If so, then if the Lord destroys the older brother because of his sin, then his younger brother can sire a son to carry on the older brother's name. Just make sure to keep a level eye on the younger brother when he goes into the older brother's baby vessel or God will have to strike him down, too, if he pulls an Onan.


Non-luriedly yours,


Handmaiden

[ChristianMom1975]

Re: Caught my son masturbating, what should I do?

I have a challenge and I did not know where else to post it.

My husband of 15 years has been deviating from the Lord. I discovered that he was looking at internet pornography. I opened the computer a month ago to see vile images of homosexual men and women doing things to each other.

I prayed and talked to my pastor who told me to confront him. So I asked my husband why he ws turning from the Lord. He confessed that he felt that he was turning homosexual but that he wanted to stay married to me.

After weeks of talking we are considering castrating him. We have already had 3 daughters so we are not concerned with creating Christian soldiers.

I love my husband but feel that he must let me castrate him to stay in God's arms and mine. My husband is being rebellious and wants to have sex with a man before I castrate him.

Has anyone gone through this ad what advice can anyone give me?

[Didymus Much]

Re: Caught my son masturbating, what should I do?

...what advice can anyone give me?

How about starting with telling us where the Bible says that castration is an acceptable cure for incipient homosexuality?

Or where it gives you any authority to control your husband's actions?

Or, how about posting an introduction like you were directed to in your welcoming email (do so in the appropriate forum; please try to follow the clear instructions at the top of every page there) so that the True Christians™ know that you're an actual believer, and not some troll trying to shock them? Yeah, that'd be great.

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Caught my son masturbating, what should I do?

and not some troll trying to shock them? Yeah, that'd be great.

Silly atheists. We cannot be shocked that easily. We follow a Holy Book that instructs us on the importance of administering angry welts and colorful bruises to our children (Proverbs 23:14; Proverbs 20:30; Proverbs 23:13); that explains a divine judicial system intertwined with marriage counseling that consists of publicly forcing a woman accused of adultery to drink poison to illicit an abortion if the child in her womb is not her husband's (Numbers 5:11-31); and how to appease an angry God so He won't rub our faces in our own pooh (Malachi 2:3), for He will cheerfully toss His Beloved Creation into the fiery pits of Hell should they fail to do so (Psalm 2:4). With friends like that, I fear no enemy! I can think of nothing a mere internet troll can say that would elicit shock!

Or where it gives you any authority to control your husband's actions?

Well now here I do quite agree with you. It's an appalling idea to castrate one's husband. Why, the Holy Bible is full of examples of the importance of a man's naughty-bits. For example, this is where oaths and contracts were secured (as the Bible hadn't been written yet). In the very first book of the Bible we read about Abraham's servant swearing to obey hes master's command to find a wife for Isaac, So the servant put his hand under the thigh of Abraham his master and swore to him concerning this matter. (Genesis 24:9).

Later, Jacob makes his son Joseph promise to bury him in Canaan, not Egypt. This promise is made in the same way, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh.... says Jacob.(Genesis 47:29) Because these men were to become the Patriarchs of the Faith of Christ, we can be assured this was all done with the utmost respect, decorum, and heterosexual intentions. Today's custom of men shaking their hands to "seal a deal" is reminiscent of this practice. Rather than pressing one man's palm against the round, dangling promise-keeper, he presses it against another man's naked, fleshy palm. This is why True Christian™ women don't shake hands, by the way, but I digress.

In any case, the thigh was considered the source of a man's posterity. The euphemism, "family jewels" recalls the importance of a man's intact manhood. To make sure no one was confused, the LORD made it a sin to be a part of the community of the faithful if a man's scrotum has been damaged (Deuteronomy 23:1), and it is why the fitting punishment of damaging a man's family pride is the loss of the offending hands (Deuteronomy 25:11). Jesus Christ Almighty Himself will come back one day, riding on a white horse, and we will know it is Him because His name will be written right there to formally identify Him as the Promise Fulfilled (Revelation 19:16).

I do implore our new friend to resist the temptation of castrating her husband. Besides, what a silly thing to do when prayer will suffice.