[Jim Farmer]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

What size shoe do you take, Miss Cookie? My wife lurrrves shoes, and I was thinking that it might be a cheap combined birthday and Christmas present for her if I could have a few pairs of yours once you're deceased. I can't see that you'll have much use for them in Heaven.

[BrotherLarry]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

Sister Cookie,

The Lord God spake to me just now and said, "BrotherLarry?" and I said, "Yes, Lord."

And He said, "Tell Sister Cookie to be of good cheer." And I said, "Yes, Lord."

The Lord is often clear and to the point - which just proves His superior intelligence. Anyway, be of good cheer.

COME, Lord Jesus,
BrotherLarry

[James Hutchins]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

Miss Cookie, please PM me the combo to the Church vault. I'd hate to have to drill it out.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

Miss Cookie, don't say these things! I feel quite certain you are going to be right back here with us (or at least sleeping on my hotel room floor) in no time at all!

Sorry I've been incommunicado, but we had a little incident here. It seems the oxycontin I've been taking for my sprained ankle should not have been mixed with the blackberry brandy I was drinking in your honor last night.

Well, wouldn't you know it, I fell asleep in my bathrobe last night, and this morning I'm pretty sure the Mexican housekeeper had herself a peek under my robe after letting herself in to clean my room.

I know this because my robe was partially open when I awakened and she kept furtively, guiltily glancing at me as she hurried to complete her tasks.

That little Latin harlot is just lucky I don't have the cursing powers of Noah, because then her progeny would be cursed in perpetuity!

[Dr Laurence Niles]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

except Dr. Laurence Niles, for whom I am still waiting to GET ME THE F#C* OUT OF HERE!!

Oh dear.

This does not look good at all. As a standardised review metric of deference of gratification is an apex indicator of mentalism and your expression thereof (not withstanding the current eventuality) of discombobulation really does imply that your expectation of my interfrasticallity around your incumbency is widely detached from reality: I would have to say that you really need to be more phrasmotic than ever until this whole kinda things pans out and junk.

If it helps think about how much Jesus suffered:

I will get around to finding you but you seem to have evaded the nurses, security feed and automata.

All the best.

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

If it helps think about how much Jesus suffered

This is what I do when I'm feeling down, Cookie. Remember, when He hung on the cross, He knew you would go through these trials and tribulations. He knows what's going to happen to you, whether it be a comfort to your flesh or a source of life-long trauma to unleash demons for the rest of your earthly days. Either way, it is for His glory. Do you want Him to see you whimper and carry on and usurp attention for yourself when His Glory should be of paramount importance here? I say this in love dear, think of the real victim here - Jesus, the man-god who so few people take seriously any more. They mock and ridicule Him and call Him names and accuse Him of being a zombie and worse. To God goes the Glory, even in a mental institution, perhaps even more there than anywhere else.

Do you know what would make you feel better? Singing praises unto Him and glorifying His Name aloud. Raise your hands in thanksgiving, and don't let the devil steal your joy! Like our dear friend Kirk Cameron says, sing songs and serve others if you want to feel better yourself. And go see his new movie, Saving Christmas! That should cheer you up!

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

Oh dear.

This does not look good at all. As a standardised review metric of deference of gratification is an apex indicator of mentalism and you expression thereof (not withstanding the current eventuality) of discombobulation really does imply that your expectation of my interfrasticallity around your incumbency is widely detached from reality: I would have to say that you really need to be more phrasmotic than ever until this whole kinda things pans out and junk.

If it helps think about how much Jesus suffered:

I will get around to finding you but you seem to have evaded the nurses, security feed and automata.

All the best.

Dr. Niles, before we rush to judgment, have you considered the possibility that Miss Cookie might be in her unclean time? You know how that makes women crazy even under the best of circumstances.

[Dr Laurence Niles]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

Dr. Niles, before we rush to judgment, have you considered the possibility that Miss Cookie might be in her unclean time? You know how that makes women crazy even under the best of circumstances.

I think the good Mistress may be a little too, shall we say experienced to suffer from ragweek.

YIC

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

Oh, you're quite mistake---

Er,

That is...


Never mind.

[Dr Laurence Niles]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

I'm sure everybody will be overjoyed to learn that one of my interns has located the good Mistress after literally some time searching the strangely oversized air ducts in that Injun mentalist unit!

Unfortunately she was in a very bad way, wailing and crying. She had apparently been very creative in sourcing material to smear on the walls in what appeared to be pictures of her and famous dead film stars

I can now confirm that she is back at home under heavy sedation (after she was bathed and made presentable) and when she recovers she will agree to undergo AA-meetings until such time as she can control her urges.

I would like to thank everyone for their kind words and genuine True Christian™ compassion in rallying round for one of our own.

God bless you all.

YIC

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

she really can't handle the responsibility of your dogs since she is so caught up in healthy living (she lost 1/4 pound this month). She read once that people with dogs gain weight. Our dear Victory is such a sweetheart.

I have taken care of that. Mrs. Cookie's neighbor called me because the barking was driving him crazy. So I went by and shot those annoying yappers. One of them was pregnant so I solved some future problems as well. I am sure Mrs. Cookie will agree that the happiness of her True Christian™ neighbors far outweighs the usefulness of some worthless animals. I am also sure Mrs. Cookie will appreciate not having to burden her friends with the care of some smelly beasts so she can concentrate all her energy on getting cured. Dr Laurence Niles' diagnoses seemed very thorough to me although I have some doubt whether a feeble female mind can process words with more than one vowel.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

AA-meetings

Hold on Dr. Niles, AA meetings? Have you heard what is preached at AA? That's the cult where members are taught "Your Higher Power (i.e., God) can be whatever you understand it to be" and if you encounter some spiritual teaching that's hard to follow, "take what you like and leave the rest."

Any time I encounter a person who's involved in a 12 step program, I do everything in my power to stop attending meetings immediately, sever all ties with program members, and just rely on prayer and will power to keep themselves sober!

Some folks I've ministered to have fallen back into drinking and drugging after following my advice, and one even killed herself, but praise the Lord for getting them out of a place where they were being spoon-fed false doctrines!

[Elmer G. White]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?



GLORY TO GOD. He has heard the pleas of True Christians™ and our beloved Sister is free! Again, an example of answered prayers! The liberation could not have taken place without the continuous and fervent prayers of us all. When a Saved, redeemed pure-hearted community asks, Jesus HEARS!

Hosea 2:21
And it shall come to pass in that day, I will hear, saith the LORD, I will hear the heavens, and they shall hear the earth;

Thank you, God! Praise JESUS! Glory to the HOLY GHOST!

Yet our prayers must continue. Our beloved Sister has been corrupted by the sinners she encountered. By GOD WILL PROVIDE! No doubt! And soon all this will be behind us as we relax on the Heavenly Meadows with light refreshments in the presence of JESUS!




Yours in Christ,

Elmer

[Jim Farmer]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

Dr Niles, It is now over 2.5 days since we've heard of Cookie's current state. I really need to know before I go Christmas shopping because I care so much for the old biddy.

[Walter Van Slyke]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

Although I suppose I shouldn't be, I am ceaselessly amazed at how God's favorite church comes together in times of crisis like this to care for its own. Your selfless acts of kindness and bravery should serve as a shining example to the brazen heathens that wander in here of how a truly Christian community behaves.

Wherever she is right now, I know that Miss Cookie will prevail. As we read in Romans 8:28:

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Surely she prayed the prayer of the psalmist in Psalm 119:134:

Redeem me from the oppression of man, That I may keep Your precepts.

We are all here for you MC. I burn to avenge you for this cruel injustice, but I must remember Romans 12:19.

Plus I'm not allowed in Freehold.

Humbly,

Wally