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  • Naomi Ruth Lamb
    True Christian™
    True Christian™
    • Nov 2013
    • 999

    #1

    Praise to the Lord!

    I am pleased to act as spokeswoman for the annual Bringing in the Sheaves event at the church entertainment complex Friday evening!


    In keeping with our Lord's command to go into all the world, (Mark 15:15,16) we once again invited the youth of Freehold to share fun, food, and sound Biblical teaching in the church auditorium, while the entire meeting was broadcast to 14 countries for the nigras, messicans, ungodly British, and slants. A highlight of each of these events is the "Can YOU Tithe More than the 3rd World?" competition. Once again, the children of Freehold won, raising almost $24,301. This money goes directly toward the purchase of Pastor Ezekiel's airplane - a project that has been a priority for several years now.


    As everyone knows, God expects His children to be baptized, so we had a "Dunk Em for Jesus" hour, in keeping with Acts 2:38. Sister Mary Etheldreda donated five Super Soakers as gifts to those who volunteered to be baptized. Other children were also baptized so that their parents household would find honor. (1 Timothy 5:8) We are so sorry about little Joshua Fenlock's slip and fall. Brother Fenlock assured us that Joshie will attend swimming classes at the Freehold YMCA beginning in June. Sister Fenlock's unclean time required her to miss seeing Joshie getting baptized and under the circumstances perhaps it was for the best.


    All of us should rejoice that Christ was presented to a viewership of over 40 people in the countries to which we beamed our broadcast. 12 new souls were brought to the Lord, PRAISE GOD! (Psalm 109:30)


    For those of you who were unable to attend, we will rebroadcast the entire event (minus little Joshua losing his baptismal gown) tonight at 4, 8, and 10 PM on Freehold Flint Cable. DVD's are available for $100 at the church gift shop during regular business hours. No bartering.


    In service to Christ,
    NRL
    1 Samuel 8:13 "And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cookes, and to be bakers."
    Naomi Ruth Lamb, Proprietress:
    Naomi's Moist Pie - Unsaved Unwelcome!
    Locations in 50 States and Canada
    !Voted Best Pie in Freehold!
    Once you've tasted Naomi's pie, you'll crave it again and again and again and again.
    Baptist pastors always receive a 50% discount.
  • Basilissa
    South of the Border outreach program
    True Christian™
     
    • Mar 2013
    • 12995

    #2
    Re: Praise to the Lord!

    Quite honestly, I think that Joshua's slip was the fault of his parents. As we all know, baptism can be only conducted on those who can fully understand its meaning. Even though little Joshua is how old now? Twenty five, I think? I don't think he was mentally ready for baptism. Honestly, I don't think he'll ever be, if you catch my drift. (I don't know what his parents did to deserve a son like that, but it had to be serious). And which part of "the person being baptized should be fully clothed" didn't his parents understand?!
    God created fossils to test our faith.

    * * *

    My favorite LBC sermons:
    True Christians are Perfect!
    True Christian™ Love.
    Salvation™ made Easy!
    You can’t be a Christian if you don’t believe the Old Testament.
    Jesus is impolite. Deal with it.
    Jesus is xenophobic and so should we.
    Sanctity of Life is NOT a Biblical Concept.
    Biblical view on modern-day slavery.
    The Immorality of the "Universal Declaration of Human Rights."
    Geneva Conventions vs. The Holy Bible.
    God HATES Rational Thinking!
    True Christian™ Man as a spitting image of God.

    Comment

    • Mary Etheldreda
      Gushing for Jesus
       
      • Sep 2011
      • 23775

      #3
      Re: Praise to the Lord!

      I apologize again for my younger children's unruly behavior when they whimpered during the super soaker giveaway. I swore to them up and down that if they did not obey my command the first time, and with a smile on those irksome little faces, they would lose their birthday gifts. And guess who chose to be obstinate. They're paying off their punishment for the rest of the week and I ask you all to forgive the intrusion. Other than that, it was great fun!
      Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

      Comment

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