X
Collapse
 
  • Page of 1
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts
Previous template Next
  • Elmer G. White
    Distinguished Professor of Prayer Healing and Creation Zoology (Baraminology)
    Victim of atheist scientific persecution
     
    • Apr 2014
    • 10265
    #1

    Happy Birthday, Sister Mary Etheldreda!

    Happy Birthday, Sister Mary! Your hard work to promote the cause of Sweet Jesus has shown us Creation Scientists that some women can raise above the most basic skills of readin', writin' and cipherin' to gain unprecedented victories for Jesus in the form of Repenting sinners! Praise Jesus!



    Matthew 21:5
    Tell ye the daughter of Sion, Behold, thy King cometh unto thee, meek, and sitting upon an ass, and a colt the foal of an ass.

    I am sure that you have celebrated this happy day by baking an excellent cake to your honored husband! Praise Jesus and Praise President Trump!

    Covfefe! Now and for Eternity!


    Yours in Christ,

    Elmer
    2 Kings 18:25 - Am I now come up without the LORD against this place to destroy it? The LORD said to me, Go up against this land, and destroy it.



    PREPARE YOURSELF TO RAPTURE WITH THIS MANUAL!
    Check out our Research in Creation Science:
    Tags: None
    • Basilissa
      South of the Border outreach program
      True Christian™
       
      • Mar 2013
      • 12950
      #2
      Re: Happy Birthday, Sister Mary Etheldreda!

      Happy Birthday, Sister Mary!!


      God created fossils to test our faith.

      * * *

      My favorite LBC sermons:
      True Christians are Perfect!
      True Christian™ Love.
      Salvation™ made Easy!
      You can’t be a Christian if you don’t believe the Old Testament.
      Jesus is impolite. Deal with it.
      Jesus is xenophobic and so should we.
       Sanctity of Life is NOT a Biblical Concept.
      Biblical view on modern-day slavery.
      The Immorality of the "Universal Declaration of Human Rights."
      Geneva Conventions vs. The Holy Bible.
      God HATES Rational Thinking!
      True Christian™ Man as a spitting image of God.

        Comment

        • Mary Etheldreda
          Gushing for Jesus
           
          • Sep 2011
          • 23775
          #3
          Re: Happy Birthday, Sister Mary Etheldreda!

          Thank you, dear brothers and sisters! I enjoyed my day very much. Mr. Etheldreda kept me busy tending to his wants to remind me how blessed I am to have a man willing to sacrifice his freedom to take on the burden of a wife and family. This year I only earned one black eye and a few bruises. All in all, a success!
          Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

            Comment

            • BrotherLarry
              Revelationary Equine Gnathologist for Christ
              True Christian™
              • Sep 2014
              • 2249
              #4
              Re: Happy Birthday, Sister Mary Etheldreda!

              The most beautiful words that were ever said-a:
              "It's a girl, Mr. and Mrs. Etheldreda!"
              You grew into a woman who serves the Lord-a
              Ever since they cut the umbilical cord-a.


              Jesus up in Heaven covers you with his honey
              Every week you tithe Him lots of precious money
              When you walk in rooms, they're always bright and sunny
              You have pretty eyes, just like a baby bunny.


              So enjoy this day that Jesus placed you on this earth
              We all glorify Him, and thank Him for your birth
              May the day bring peace and joy and also lots of mirth
              From LA to Chicago, to Sydney, Wales, and Perth.


              And wherever you want peace and joy and mirth to be.
              Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
              “The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”

              Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.
              Amen and Amen

                Comment

                • Faith_Machine
                  Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
                  True Christian™
                  • Mar 2011
                  • 10050
                  #5
                  Re: Happy Birthday, Sister Mary Etheldreda!

                  Mrs. Etheldrada,

                  I hope you appreciate my taking your husband off your hands so you could enjoy a few hours of "me time" towards the end of your special day.

                  You'll be glad we enjoyed only the finest single-barrel whiskey at a very nice sports bar whose name escapes me.

                  I'm not sure exactly where your husband is at the moment, but I'm sure I will find him and bring him home soon.
                  WARNING:
                  In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
                  REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

                    Comment

                    • Mary Etheldreda
                      Gushing for Jesus
                       
                      • Sep 2011
                      • 23775
                      #6
                      Re: Happy Birthday, Sister Mary Etheldreda!

                      Originally posted by Faith_Machine View Post
                      Mrs. Etheldrada,

                      I hope you appreciate my taking your husband off your hands so you could enjoy a few hours of "me time" towards the end of your special day.

                      You'll be glad we enjoyed only the finest single-barrel whiskey at a very nice sports bar whose name escapes me.

                      I'm not sure exactly where your husband is at the moment, but I'm sure I will find him and bring him home soon.
                      That was, actually, much appreciated. Don't worry about finding him. He always manages to come home. And he gets awfully... sore when people remind him of his responsibilities. We're doing just fine in the house anyway. So please, don't disturb him on my account. Really. Please don't. Please.
                      Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

                        Comment

                        • handmaiden
                          Is a good, decent True Christian™ lady
                          True Christian™
                          • May 2010
                          • 11352
                          #7
                          Re: Happy Birthday, Sister Mary Etheldreda!

                          Happy Birthday Sister. You are an example of Christian womanlyness to us all.

                          I got you an extra special dish towel as a present.





                          I hope your husband doesn't feel that it is too indulgent. But I think you deserve a few nice things.
                          His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.

                          Guns For God and the Economy

                            Comment

                            • Mary Etheldreda
                              Gushing for Jesus
                               
                              • Sep 2011
                              • 23775
                              #8
                              Re: Happy Birthday, Sister Mary Etheldreda!

                              Originally posted by handmaiden View Post
                              Happy Birthday Sister. You are an example of Christian womanlyness to us all.

                              I got you an extra special dish towel as a present.





                              I hope your husband doesn't feel that it is too indulgent. But I think you deserve a few nice things.
                              That's so thoughtful of you! You don't think if I don't show it to Mr. Etheldreda it's the same as lying to him, do you? It's just, well, I don't want to upset him unnecessarily. And, you know, if he doesn't know he surely won't be upset. I'm just thinking about him, you see. And it's so lovely. And it would be just for me.
                              Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

                                Comment

                                • handmaiden
                                  Is a good, decent True Christian™ lady
                                  True Christian™
                                  • May 2010
                                  • 11352
                                  #9
                                  Re: Happy Birthday, Sister Mary Etheldreda!

                                  Originally posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
                                  That's so thoughtful of you! You don't think if I don't show it to Mr. Etheldreda it's the same as lying to him, do you? It's just, well, I don't want to upset him unnecessarily. And, you know, if he doesn't know he surely won't be upset. I'm just thinking about him, you see. And it's so lovely. And it would be just for me.
                                  I am uncertain. After it has been used a few times and become a bit dingy, he probably wouldn't notice one way or the other. In the meantime, drying dishes and wiping down counters would be such a joy. How I envy you your satisfying life serving Jesus by waiting on a man and looking after his children.

                                  But, I shall pray that Jesus squashes such distracting thoughts from my heart. Afterall, if Jesus had wanted me to have those things I would have them. For we know that it is He who provides for all our needs.

                                  Hebrews 11:40

                                  God having provided some better thing for us, that they without us should not be made perfect.
                                  His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.

                                  Guns For God and the Economy

                                    Comment

                                    • Thomas Taylor
                                      Forum Member
                                      Forum Member
                                      • Oct 2012
                                      • 1486
                                      #10
                                      Re: Happy Birthday, Sister Mary Etheldreda!

                                      Originally posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
                                      That's so thoughtful of you! You don't think if I don't show it to Mr. Etheldreda it's the same as lying to him, do you? It's just, well, I don't want to upset him unnecessarily. And, you know, if he doesn't know he surely won't be upset. I'm just thinking about him, you see. And it's so lovely. And it would be just for me.

                                      Dear Sister Mary,


                                      A very happy albeit belated birthday to you. I hope it won't be long until you are safely ensconced in the arms of Jesus.


                                      On the matter of not telling your husband of the lovely, but also extremely practical, gift bestowed on you by Sister Handmaiden I have a few reservations.


                                      God tells us in Matthew:
                                      Matthew 10:26-28 - Fear them not therefore: for there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; and hid, that shall not be known.


                                      But in proverbs He says:
                                      Proverbs 11:13 - A talebearer revealeth secrets: but he that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the matter


                                      So this sort of way suggests that it is ok to keep a little secret from your husband.


                                      Then again at the end of the day when the rapture comes we will all be judged anyway:
                                      Ecclesiastes 12:14 - For God shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing, whether [it be] good, or whether [it be] evil.


                                      Anyway I hope you had a glorious day and that your husband gave you a gift that will last forever.


                                      YIC
                                      TT
                                      Isaiah 66:15

                                      For behold, the Lord wil come with fire, and with his charets like a whirlewinde, to render his anger with furie, and his rebuke with flames of fire.

                                        Comment

                                        • Mary Etheldreda
                                          Gushing for Jesus
                                           
                                          • Sep 2011
                                          • 23775
                                          #11
                                          Re: Happy Birthday, Sister Mary Etheldreda!

                                          Originally posted by Thomas Taylor View Post
                                          Dear Sister Mary,


                                          A very happy albeit belated birthday to you. I hope it won't be long until you are safely ensconced in the arms of Jesus.


                                          On the matter of not telling your husband of the lovely, but also extremely practical, gift bestowed on you by Sister Handmaiden I have a few reservations.


                                          God tells us in Matthew:
                                          Matthew 10:26-28 - Fear them not therefore: for there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; and hid, that shall not be known.


                                          But in proverbs He says:
                                          Proverbs 11:13 - A talebearer revealeth secrets: but he that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the matter


                                          So this sort of way suggests that it is ok to keep a little secret from your husband.


                                          Then again at the end of the day when the rapture comes we will all be judged anyway:
                                          Ecclesiastes 12:14 - For God shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing, whether [it be] good, or whether [it be] evil.


                                          Anyway I hope you had a glorious day and that your husband gave you a gift that will last forever.


                                          YIC
                                          TT
                                          Thank you Mr. Taylor! Your insight is much appreciated!
                                          Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

                                            Comment

                                            • Faith_Machine
                                              Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
                                              True Christian™
                                              • Mar 2011
                                              • 10050
                                              #12
                                              Re: Happy Birthday, Sister Mary Etheldreda!

                                              Originally posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
                                              And it would be just for me.
                                              I'm sure Mr. Etheldreda has much more important things on his mind than some dish towel.
                                              WARNING:
                                              In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
                                              REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

                                                Comment

                                                Previous template Next
                                                Working...