[Talitha]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

Very possibly I would, Sister, however I fear the intention may be misunderstood.

I am in discussion with a nice Nigerian gentleman right now and I need every penny I can spare to help him get some money out of his country. He has promised to pay me handsomely - far more than I could ever spend - and it was my intention to tithe any excess to the church.

I didn't say anything earlier because this gentleman swore me to secrecy - the only reason I'm explaining this now is I know that as True Christians ™ you'll understand.

We take payment by Credit Card.
You can always pay off the Card when the Nigerian pays you all of that money.

[Just James]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

I'm up to my eyeballs in debt as it is, Sister. I've got the bank on the phone to me every day and bailiffs knocking on my door every week.

If I were to give the Church 10% of my net worth, the Church would wind up owing the bank tens of thousands of dollars - and as far as I am aware, most churches are ill equipped to deal with such a financial burden. Private jets don't run themselves.

All I have left is $20 in my pocket to buy food to feed my children. Once that's spent, I am stuck with no way out short of declaring myself bankrupt, losing my home and wandering the streets as a homeless bum, getting drunk on methylated spirits and shouting incoherently at people that aren't there. This is why I'm hoping this Nigerian chap delivers the goods - he's my last hope.

Surely the Church doesn't expect me to hand that over that $20 and leave my children to starve?

[Talitha]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

I'm up to my eyeballs in debt as it is, Sister. I've got the bank on the phone to me every day and bailiffs knocking on my door every week.

If I were to give the Church 10% of my net worth, the Church would wind up owing the bank tens of thousands of dollars - and as far as I am aware, most churches are ill equipped to deal with such a financial burden. Private jets don't run themselves.

All I have left is $20 in my pocket to buy food to feed my children. Once that's spent, I am stuck with no way out short of declaring myself bankrupt, losing my home and wandering the streets as a homeless bum, getting drunk on methylated spirits and shouting incoherently at people that aren't there. This is why I'm hoping this Nigerian chap delivers the goods - he's my last hope.

Surely the Church doesn't expect me to hand that over that $20 and leave my children to starve?

With the rate of the $ presently worth 69 of your British Pee I make that a grand total of £13.82.
I understand Pot Noodle is a good stand-by in your country.
That leaves Ten Shiny English Pounds for Jesus.

Which comes first Jamesy? Your Children's Immortal Soul or a trip to Tesco for a quick fix?

[Wide-Open]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

Surely the Church doesn't expect me to hand that over that $20 and leave my children to starve?

Friend, your previous "donation" has cost us $1,534.87-, which we had to pay to our Joo lawyers - who check to verify if the money that came in was "ligit".

And it's not NET income, it's GROSS income.

You are robbing Jesus (if we were to believe you) of $2.00 (if that is indeed your gross income)

You belong to God, your children belong to God, and the fact that you are not able to give them a decent education (a.k.a.: homeschooling) is not His problem. Get off your lazy bum and find a real job, just like the rest of us.

Jesus doesn't care if you have dodgy dealings with jiggaboos: He needs new shoes. End of.

PS: you can pay the invoice we'll send you spread over 3 months, if that helps.

[Ahimaaz Smith]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

This, Sister, is where I have the most trouble. While I am well aware that Jesus himself warned his followers that they were likely to face a certain amount of hostility, I really can't imagine why we still do some 2,000 years later.

The Devil is still out there.

All I have left is $20 in my pocket to buy food to feed my children. Once that's spent, I am stuck with no way out short of declaring myself bankrupt... Surely the Church doesn't expect me to hand that over that $20 and leave my children to starve?

Yes, we do. Remember Luke 21 1:4:

And he looked up, and saw the rich men casting their gifts into the treasury. And he saw also a certain poor widow casting in thither two mites. And he said, Of a truth I say unto you, that this poor widow hath cast in more than they all: For all these have of their abundance cast in unto the offerings of God: but she of her penury hath cast in all the living that she had.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

I'm up to my eyeballs in debt as it is, Sister. I've got the bank on the phone to me every day and bailiffs knocking on my door every week.

If I were to give the Church 10% of my net worth, the Church would wind up owing the bank tens of thousands of dollars - and as far as I am aware, most churches are ill equipped to deal with such a financial burden. Private jets don't run themselves.

All I have left is $20 in my pocket to buy food to feed my children. Once that's spent, I am stuck with no way out short of declaring myself bankrupt, losing my home and wandering the streets as a homeless bum, getting drunk on methylated spirits and shouting incoherently at people that aren't there. This is why I'm hoping this Nigerian chap delivers the goods - he's my last hope.

Surely the Church doesn't expect me to hand that over that $20 and leave my children to starve?

tl;dr


What a whiner!

[Just James]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

I'm sorry, Pastor Ezekiel, but having carefully studied your comments I can reach only one conclusion.

You're a bot. You don't actually exist outside the realms of this righteous forum.

Being as you don't exist it means I therefore don't really need to worry about offending you. Others on this Fine Upstanding Group have at least attempted to be helpful - in your case as soon as I say one word which could even remotely be interpreted badly you do so. Usually with the same boilerplate comments.

The sheer accuracy, speed and zeal with which you manage to hunt down such comments leads me to believe you're almost certainly a computer script.

[Nobar King]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

A Baptist robot. That's rich. Where did you learn about that? Wikipedia?

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

I'm sorry, Pastor Ezekiel, [...]You're a bot. You don't actually exist outside the realms of this righteous forum.[...] The sheer accuracy, speed and zeal with which you manage to hunt down such comments leads me to believe you're almost certainly a computer script.

As much as The Pastors appreciate a compliment, I can assure you that they are all human - any tendency towards perfection you may have noted is the result of their treading in the footsteps of the Most Perfect Being - Baby Jesus.

[Wide-Open]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

As much as The Pastors appreciate a compliment, I can assure you that they are all human - any tendency towards perfection you may have noted is the result of their treading in the footsteps of the Most Perfect Being - Baby Jesus.

Amen Brother. I actually think he was trying to suck up to Pastor Zeke.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

I'm sorry, Pastor Ezekiel, but having carefully studied your comments I can reach only one conclusion.

You're a bot. You don't actually exist outside the realms of this righteous forum.

Being as you don't exist it means I therefore don't really need to worry about offending you. Others on this Fine Upstanding Group have at least attempted to be helpful - in your case as soon as I say one word which could even remotely be interpreted badly you do so. Usually with the same boilerplate comments.

The sheer accuracy, speed and zeal with which you manage to hunt down such comments leads me to believe you're almost certainly a computer script.

A robot pastor! What will they think up next...women who listen?

[Just James]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

A robot pastor! What will they think up next...women who listen?

No, that's never going to happen.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

No, that's never going to happen.

Don't laugh!! The Japs already have "Robot God Jesus" in mass production!!

[Star Finder]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

Oh great another suck up. Look you weasel, Jamie or whatever your name is, you will find out soon enough the mean, horrid, putrid and nasty perversions harboured by your new "friend" Zekey.

I KNOW. I know all to well with my tattered pants clutched in my stained hands, gasping for air.

Don't be so happy you don't know your future.

[Just James]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

If I can just change the subject from the existence or otherwise of robot pastors - if I get it right, by repenting my sins, turning to God and following my King James to the letter for the rest of my life - when I die I shall be taken up to Heaven.

In Heaven I shall be able to spend eternity frolicking in the clouds with the good folk at Landover Baptist Church. Well, those that are dead at any rate. And not really many others, the truth be told. That is correct, yes?