[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

If I can just change the subject from the existence or otherwise of robot pastors - if I get it right, by repenting my sins, turning to God and following my King James to the letter for the rest of my life - when I die I shall be taken up to Heaven.

In Heaven I shall be able to spend eternity frolicking in the clouds with the good folk at Landover Baptist Church. Well, those that are dead at any rate. And not really many others, the truth be told. That is correct, yes?

Basically, yes. Plus 144,000 joos to whom God made a promise, The Apostles and a whole mess of righteous people whom God will choose.

[JennyD]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

In Heaven I shall be able to spend eternity frolicking in the clouds with the good folk at Landover Baptist Church. Well, those that are dead at any rate. And not really many others, the truth be told. That is correct, yes?

Actually, you and all others who are Saved will spend eternity praising the Lord, singing for Him, and serving His every need, a glorious honor indeed!

The Bible offers no mention of "frolicking".

Are you sure you're not some sort of homosexual?

[Just James]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

Actually, you and all others who are Saved will spend eternity praising the Lord, singing for Him, and serving His every need, a glorious honor indeed!

The Bible offers no mention of "frolicking".

Are you sure you're not some sort of homosexual?

Quite sure.

And - I trust you'll forgive me for being so slow on the uptake - if I decide not to repent, not to follow my Bible to the letter - presumably I wind up spending the rest of eternity burning in the fire and brimstone of Hell.

Along with heavy metal musicians, goths, atheists and other assorted unGodly folk.

Am I right in thinking that is the general gist of it?

[Nobar King]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

You couldn't think of anyone else you'd want to spend eternity in hell with, like Pamela Anderson? You are a homer, aren't you, boy?

[William A]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

Quite sure.

And - I trust you'll forgive me for being so slow on the uptake - if I decide not to repent, not to follow my Bible to the letter - presumably I wind up spending the rest of eternity burning in the fire and brimstone of Hell.

Along with heavy metal musicians, goths, atheists and other assorted unGodly folk.

Am I right in thinking that is the general gist of it?

Presumably?!? Who do you think you are to challenge GOD? Go presume with your sick mocking friends. Jesus only loves the real christians. PRAISE HIS NAME

[Just James]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

Thank you for the clarification.

On reflection, I think I'd rather spend eternity in Hell with rock musicians and Pamela Anderson than Heaven with you bunch.

It's nothing personal, you understand.

[William A]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

Thank you for the clarification.

On reflection, I think I'd rather spend eternity in Hell with rock musicians and Pamela Anderson than Heaven with you bunch.

It's nothing personal, you understand.

Do you think God will allow you to spend time where you want? Don't make me laugh. You will suffer for the way you spit upon Jesus and the Bible. I personally look forward to your soon untimely death that God is sure to bestow upon you. Enjoy hell.

[Nobar King]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

It's your choice. Did you get a vip invitation to the reception? Or are you just assuming that you are going to get to spend eternity with her?

[Just James]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

Do you think God will allow you to spend time where you want? Don't make me laugh. You will suffer for the way you spit upon Jesus and the Bible. I personally look forward to your soon untimely death that God is sure to bestow upon you. Enjoy hell.

Logically, if God isn't going to allow me to spend time where I want he'll send me to Heaven.

See you there, BananaSkin.

[William A]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

Logically, if God isn't going to allow me to spend time where I want he'll send me to Heaven.

See you there, BananaSkin.

As if you would know what you want! How unbelievably arrogant. You think you know more than God? How insufferable.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

Thank you for the clarification.

On reflection, I think I'd rather spend eternity in Hell with rock musicians and Pamela Anderson than Heaven with you bunch.

It's nothing personal, you understand.

Well that can be arranged. If you want to reserve your place in eternal damnation and volunteer to be satan's favorite party ewe then all you have to do is commit the one unforgivable sin.

Matthew 12:31-32
Wherefore I say unto you, All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men. And whosoever speaketh a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come.

Mark 3:29
But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation.

Luke 12:10
But unto him that blasphemeth against the Holy Ghost it shall not be forgiven.

There you have it. All you have to do is blaspheme against the Holy Ghost and your fate is sealed. An eternity of unspeakable pain and suffering will be guaranteed.

I double-dog dare you.

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

Oh great another suck up. Look you weasel, Jamie or whatever your name is, you will find out soon enough the mean, horrid, putrid and nasty perversions harboured by your new "friend" Zekey. I KNOW. I know all to well with my tattered pants clutched in my stained hands, gasping for air.

This is a grave, GRAVE accusation!

You are not the first to try (and fail) to tarnish the reputation of our Good Pastor Zeke, and you will not be the last.

What probably happened is this: You were gazing up at the stars, THINKING OF PASTOR ZEKE, and you were approached from behind. Wishing it were Zeke, you did not turn around, and merely pretended it were so.

You see, you have no proof. You did not even see "his" face.

But think of this: "Rape" is a sexual act, and most "perpetuators" will seek out whatever "victim" looks most ready for sex. I ask you, what were you doing out in a moonlit field, gazing up at the stars, except inviting sin "in"? And how could the pants be ripped and "tattered" if there were not a strategic and handy tear in them, first? Had you cared for the worldly items God had graced you with, and had the modesty to cover your own exposed flesh (from the tear), the whole unfortunate event could have been avoided.

Ordinarily I would not speak on such a distasteful subject, but your accusations against one of the very pillars of our community cannot go unchallenged.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

This is a grave, GRAVE accusation!

You are not the first to try (and fail) to tarnish the reputation of our Good Pastor Zeke, and you will not be the last.

What probably happened is this: You were gazing up at the stars, THINKING OF PASTOR ZEKE, and you were approached from behind. Wishing it were Zeke, you did not turn around, and merely pretended it were so.

You see, you have no proof. You did not even see "his" face.

But think of this: "Rape" is a sexual act, and most "perpetuators" will seek out whatever "victim" looks most ready for sex. I ask you, what were you doing out in a moonlit field, gazing up at the stars, except inviting sin "in"? And how could the pants be ripped and "tattered" if there were not a strategic and handy tear in them, first? Had you cared for the worldly items God had graced you with, and had the modesty to cover your own exposed flesh (from the tear), the whole unfortunate event could have been avoided.

Ordinarily I would not speak on such a distasteful subject, but your accusations against one of the very pillars of our community cannot go unchallenged.

We have the description from an eyewitness and our artist has put a face to the culprit. It isn't Zeke.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

We have the description from an eyewitness and our artist has put a face to the culprit. It isn't Zeke.

Well that's a relief. I'm glad to put that behind me.

[Just James]

Re: I think I'm beginning to understand

There you have it. All you have to do is blaspheme against the Holy Ghost and your fate is sealed. An eternity of unspeakable pain and suffering will be guaranteed.

I double-dog dare you.

Blasphemy?! Blasphemy is all it takes to spend an eternity in Hell, guaranteed, do not pass "Go", do not collect £200?

Jesus Christ, I've been doing that since I was ten years old. If I knew that I was already damned when I first signed up I wouldn't have bothered even trying to get my soul saved.

I want my tithing back.