[Sister Charli]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

Oh I wish I could be there.

Have fun everyone.

And always identify your target before you throw the stone ...

[Dirk]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

Dear friends,

It is with great pleasure that today will be a special night for all of us. Tonight Rev. Jim Osborne will give us a special sermon. We are still deciding if the sermon will be held outside at the park or inside the church. If it's outside we will have huge HDTV's setout through the park and have a lot of subwoofers for your bass pleasures. Nobody would be able to miss the sermon.
Note: If you didn't attend the sermon, you are excluded from the Freehold Summer Stoning Festival! We will check who was present and who was not. Our own Officer Don W. Richards will make sure of that as he is the head of security for the time being.

In addition, after the special sermon there will be an act performed by our children. They will play the story of David and Goliath.

Then we will have some stones available for exhibition which can only be seen on Friday July 16th! There will be very special stones for you to see. Including the stone which old time favorite Cranky Old Man used to defend his 10 year winning streak stoning champion! We also have the stone which David used to hit Goliath, so don't miss out on this nocturnal prefest!

Tomorrow is the big day! The day will be opened by our own mayor Johnny Joe Hold.
The stoning buckets should be taken to the festival. Show off to eachother what stoning bucket you have. As usual: The camo is an old time favorite and will bring to joy to everyone.

As mentioned before, the Endangered Species Dinner will coincide with the BBQ at the festival. In case you are wondering what endangered species we will serve you have to wait. It will be a surprise and I think everyone will be happy. I would also like to take this oppertunity to thank Pastor Ezekiel for this. He worked pretty hard on selecting the right animals for this festival. Also, a big applause to the Ladies Of Landover, their cooking abilities will floor everyone.

[Warner S. Davidson]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

Brothers / Sisters

Enjoy yourselves all -
Some "on the spot" highlights / commentary would be appreciated (if possible)

[Dirk]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

Saturday people!

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

I'll be there with bells on!

I'm bringing my lovely stoning bucket that Mother Glendy made for me a few year ago.

[Warner S. Davidson]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

That would be fabulous Brother Warner! Perhaps next year we can fly over together and enjoy The Lord in that thing called the "mile high club".

I have only ever flown to America and other places on my own before and as a result, I was never allowed into it. Sounds quite exclusive.

YIC,

Sister Phebe.

Sister Phebe: Thank you for the kind invitation, I would be delighted to accept - Be sure to have some juicy pie available for the trip

[Phebe Carlyle]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

I am very much liking the sound of this wholesome true Christian™ festival

Sadly I will not be able to attend being down here in soon to be communist Australia.

If invited I would like to attend next year

That would be fabulous Brother Warner! Perhaps next year we can fly over together and enjoy The Lord in that thing called the "mile high club".

I have only ever flown to America and other places on my own before and as a result, I was never allowed into it. Sounds quite exclusive.

YIC,

Sister Phebe.

[Warner S. Davidson]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

I am very much liking the sound of this wholesome true Christian(tm) festival

Sadly I will not be able to attend being down here in soon to be communist Australia.

If invited I would like to attend next year

[Dirk]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

I'm pretty exited for this fest! I can't wait for the pies!

[Phebe Carlyle]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

Great pointers, Handy! I prefer smooth stones as well, but that is mainly because I believe the goal of a good stoning should be to bludgeon the heretic rather than to go for a "quick kill."

On my pilgrimage to the Holy Land, I made it a point to collect smooth stones for this very purpose. If the apostate is tied to a pole, the best method is to start at the feet and work one's way up only as the lower parts are completely pulverized. The process should take roughly an hour.

However, the Mudslimes - damned as they may be - have come up with a nifty improvisation that expedites the process while inflicting additional psychological trauma during the half-burial process.

Gosh Jedediah,

For a moment there I thought you had dug up one of those Russian Dolls; you know, the ones that fit into eachother.



I thought to myself, what would those commie ruskis be doing in the Holy Land. Thank you so much Brother for the clarification.

YIC,

Mrs.P.Wintersnow

[Jedediah]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

Great pointers, Handy! I prefer smooth stones as well, but that is mainly because I believe the goal of a good stoning should be to bludgeon the heretic rather than to go for a "quick kill."

On my pilgrimage to the Holy Land, I made it a point to collect smooth stones for this very purpose. If the apostate is tied to a pole, the best method is to start at the feet and work one's way up only as the lower parts are completely pulverized. The process should take roughly an hour.

However, the Mudslimes - damned as they may be - have come up with a nifty improvisation that expedites the process while inflicting additional psychological trauma during the half-burial process.

[handmaiden]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

I've been an avid rock collector tor for some years now and have dug up some lovely stones-- one or two the size of a loaf of bread.

In a former church I attended, Thursday was "Stone an adulteress night." Friday was for burning of heretics, Saturday was Bible board games and Sunday, of course, was our chance to rest from our rigorous pursuit of Christian Righteousness.

As for stone selection, my recommendation is for smooth stones. There are several reasons for this. A jagged stone might seem the appropriate choice for rendering more damage on the victim, I mean villain, but those same sharp edges can cut the thrower's hand. The result is that the projectile is not held as firmly and thus is thrown with less precision and force, thus mitigating the supposed benefits in choosing a stone with sharp, damaging edges.

A smooth stone is easier to grip. This gives the thrower more control when it comes to aim and velocity. The smooth stone is also more aerodynamic, thus rendering its trajectory more reliable.

All in all these advantages make the smooth, river washed stone the preferred choice for those who take their stoning responsibilities seriously.

God be with you in all your Christian endeavors. Think of me from time to time when the hurling begins.

Helpfully Yours,

Handmaiden

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

We had a tiny set back when neither the current Governor nor his challenger would agree to attend.

But, it allowed us to develop another venue that looks to be very successful. On the platform that was to be used by the political speakers we will mount a lifesized dummy that will be named "U. S. President". This dummy will be available to stoning practice.

I must mention here that out of respect for the Office of President, no name of any President will appear on the dummy--it will be a "generic president".

I did get just a quick look at the artist's sketch, however. The dummy figure will have a dark complection and rather large ears.

[James Dewitt]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

I am so excited just one more week to go. By the way I have been practicing with the rock cannon and some different stones. Do not use the obsidian, I cut off an arm of one of the dummies, should be back from repair Monday.

Bidding on the Holy Rocks will start on Friday at noon. I have them in buckets of 20 lbs each. Minimum starting bid will be $1,000 .
I have 25 ballistics gel dummies( 24, on hand) and 5 Obama Pinatas for the kids. I think we should put them in age groups so the small ones don't feel left out.

[BelieverInGod]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

Not on the stock market, but perhaps a Chinese organthief might have interest.

My babies come from the top lines of Rottweilers throughout the world. My dogs progeny are doing everything from service dogs for the elderly, to drug busts for police, to eating Mexicans along the border for immigration. They are NOT chinese food.

Do the people of Freehold not understand the value of a good guard dog? My dogs start at $3,000 for an 8-week-old untrained puppy and go up to $10,000 for a fully trained to your specifications 2 or 3 year old dog. These dogs are NOT PETS and are not sold as such!

I also have a side-line of Brittanys for hunting if anyone is interested.

I am sorry, I never realized dogs could be a solid investment. I am quite sure Mrs. Johnsons dogs are worth absolutely nothing though.

More than likely if she's using them for finding land mines the hard way. I've always said, unless a dog can put food on the table or keep it there (guard) it isn't worth much. I guess there's sled dogs and such as well, but they've mostly been replaced by snowmobiles.