Formal Apology

[Cindy Lou Jenkins]

I have just regained consciousness after being beaten with an oar by my True Christian™ husband Billy Bob Jenkins. My husband was justly and fairly punishing me for a willful act of disobedience that I committed when I posted on the men's only forum here at Landover, and falsely stated in the post that I had acquired my husband's permission to do so. Of course, who would believe such a thing anyway. I am just stupid, stupid stupid! I don't know how I thought I would get away with such a thing. I guess I am just a glutton for punishment, like all disobedient women. It is a good thing that I have a True Christian™ man to get me back in line after I act out. Otherwise God would have struck me dead by now and I would be frying in Hell as we speak!

So here is my formal apology:

Dear Jesus and the True Christian Men™ at God's Only Forum®,

I am remorseful beyond all comprehension that I have sinned against you. I have foolishly allowed Satan to enter my body and mind, and he has corrupted my words and my deeds. I am unworthy of Salvation™, deserving only to burn in the aeternal flames of Hell where demons can rip the flesh from my bones and pour boiling human feces into my infected wounds while I scream in vain. I beg pathetically to be forgiven for my heinous crimes, despite my glaring unworthiness, so that I may find peace once again in the bosom of the Lord and the Landover Baptist congregation, God's Only Saved People™.

Yours in Humiliation and Defeat,

Cindy Lou Jenkins H.W.


Some passages about Hell and Damnation that I am going to obsess over while I wallow in the septic carnage of my menstra-shack for a few extra days this month:


Revelation 21:8 (King James Version) 8But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.


Daniel 12:2 (King James Version) 2And many of them that sleep in the dust of the earth shall awake, some to everlasting life, and some to shame and everlasting contempt.


Matthew 5:22 (King James Version) 22But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.


Matthew 10:28 (King James Version) 28And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.


Mark 9:44 (King James Version) 44Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched.


Luke 16:19-26 (King James Version) 19There was a certain rich man, which was clothed in purple and fine linen, and fared sumptuously every day: 20And there was a certain beggar named Lazarus, which was laid at his gate, full of sores, 21And desiring to be fed with the crumbs which fell from the rich man's table: moreover the dogs came and licked his sores. 22And it came to pass, that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels into Abraham's bosom: the rich man also died, and was buried; 23And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom. 24And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame. 25But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things: but now he is comforted, and thou art tormented. 26And beside all this, between us and you there is a great gulf fixed: so that they which would pass from hence to you cannot; neither can they pass to us, that would come from thence.


2 Thessalonians 1:9 (King James Version) 9Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and from the glory of his power;


Revelation 20:9-15 (King James Version) 9And they went up on the breadth of the earth, and compassed the camp of the saints about, and the beloved city: and fire came down from God out of heaven, and devoured them. 10And the devil that deceived them was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone, where the beast and the false prophet are, and shall be tormented day and night for ever and ever. 11And I saw a great white throne, and him that sat on it, from whose face the earth and the heaven fled away; and there was found no place for them. 12And I saw the dead, small and great, stand before God; and the books were opened: and another book was opened, which is the book of life: and the dead were judged out of those things which were written in the books, according to their works. 13And the sea gave up the dead which were in it; and death and hell delivered up the dead which were in them: and they were judged every man according to their works. 14And death and hell were cast into the lake of fire. This is the second death. 15And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire.

(Billy Bob: I approve this post.)

[Jake Beck]

Re: Formal Apology

Colossians 1:14
In whom we have redemption through his blood, even the forgiveness of sins

Acts 17:3
Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him.

God tells us to forgive if someone if they sin against us if they repent. You have been rebuked properly by your husband, then I will follow what God tells me to do, I find it in my heart to forgive.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Formal Apology

God tells us to forgive if someone if they sin against us if they repent. You have been rebuked properly by your husband, then I will follow what God tells me to do, I find it in my heart to forgive.

Amen!

[Seth Campbell]

Re: Formal Apology

Well as long as you learn from it. I think that was the worst part for Billy Bob with his former wife. The more he beat her, the more disobedient she seemed to have become.

[Phebe Carlyle]

Re: Formal Apology

Well Cindy Lou,

It is good to know that you have repented. I am a little worried though. I hope that due to this warranted beating, there was not too much damage done to the oar!

From what I have heard, they can be quite costly to fix, especially when the damage is the wood splitting up the grain.

I certainly hope for your sake Billy Bob does not have to fix it.. or worse.. replace it!

YIC

Mrs Phebe Dewitt.

[CyberYahweh]

Re: Formal Apology

What I flawless execution of penitence - if only every American family could learn from the Jenkins' as to what it means to be truly Blessed by the Lord, this would be a much better country to live in.

Just as St. Paul said unto the Corinthians:

1 Corinthians 11:1
"Be ye followers of me, even as I also [am] of Christ."

So too, should all True Christian families follow your example. Amen.

[Jo Freddie]

Re: Formal Apology

Now I understand that that Billy Bob is totally safe from the prospect of Cindy pressing charges, and I accept that he was motivated by his interpretation of the KJV-CFT to perform this action.

Now to be totally consistent with his beliefs, and more importantly to be true to himself, I hope he has been to the authorities and given them a full account of this so he can be processed under secular law.

[Lisa H]

Re: Formal Apology

Now I understand that that Billy Bob is totally safe from the prospect of Cindy pressing charges, and I accept that he was motivated by his interpretation of the KJV-CFT to perform this action.

Now to be totally consistent with his beliefs, and more importantly to be true to himself, I hope he has been to the authorities and given them a full account of this so he can be processed under secular law.

If you had not posted that link, none of this would have ever happened.

[Jo Freddie]

Re: Formal Apology

If you had not posted that link, none of this would have ever happened.

Pardon Lisa?
You are wittering again in an attempt to find some reason to follow me around again STOP STALKING ME I have no interest in you.

I posted on the men's only forum here at Landover, and falsely stated in the post that I had acquired my husband's permission to do so.

The post in question is here

(Note I am not going to quote the post in question here as I do not think Cindy would wish it repeated here, I only post a link to it so Lisa can see she is so very wrong yet again and letting her obsession with me get the better of her)

[Lisa H]

Re: Formal Apology

Pardon Lisa?
You are wittering again in an attempt to find some reason to follow me around again STOP STALKING ME I have no interest in you.

The post in question is here

(Note I am not going to quote the post in question here as I do not think Cindy would wish it repeated here, I only post a link to it so Lisa can see she is so very wrong yet again and letting her obsession with me get the better of her)

Stop with you pirate ramblings. When ever trouble happens, Jo Freddie is always around.

[Warner S. Davidson]

Re: Formal Apology

Sister Cindy Lou:

Whilst poor Brother Billy Bob must have been most distressed to discover that his new bride had been deceiving him like a $20 crack whore, don't despair as there is a positive outcome for yourself.

They say that marriage is a lifelong journey of ongoing discovery, growth and improvement which reinforces your sacred and holy union with God

Sister Cindy Lou this is strongly evidenced in your recent events:

Brother Billy Bob discovered that your were practicing deception and naturally he followed God's law and applied to you some corrective behavior techniques to which you have positively responded.

Subsequently you have now personally improved and have mentally and spiritually grown into a much better person than you were before meeting Brother Billy Bob

Of course these personal improvements will ultimately reinforce your vows to God and Brother Billy Bob and will help you become an even better True Christian™ lady

Jesus works in mysterious but effective ways

[Sister Charli]

Re: Formal Apology

Oh Sister Cindy.

I mistakenly wandered into the men's only section some weeks ago.

Daddy spanked my bum so hard I had to stand to use the internet for a week. But it brought me much closer to God as I spent a lot more hours on my knees in my prayer closet.

Proverbs 13:24 (King James Version)
24 He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.

Praise Jesus. I pray that Mr Luke will love me enough to chastise me as God requires. I am so pleased you have learned from your lesson - unlike Ethel. You are blessed to have such a true caring Christian™ husband as Brother Billy Bob.

[Billy Bob Jenkins]

Re: Formal Apology

Well Cindy Lou,

It is good to know that you have repented. I am a little worried though. I hope that due to this warranted beating, there was not too much damage done to the oar!

From what I have heard, they can be quite costly to fix, especially when the damage is the wood splitting up the grain.

I certainly hope for your sake Billy Bob does not have to fix it.. or worse.. replace it!

YIC

Mrs Phebe Dewitt.

Unfortunately, sister, it is as you have feared. The oar split right down the middle after I wore the varnish off both sides. But that's alright. Thanks to Ethel I am an expert at recovering broken oars, and I keep quite a few in reserve just in case.

Cindy Lou has lost her computer privileges for a few days, and is aware that the punishment will be more severe next time.

[James Dewitt]

Re: Formal Apology

Unfortunately, sister, it is as you have feared. The oar split right down the middle after I wore the varnish off both sides. But that's alright. Thanks to Ethel I am an expert at recovering broken oars, and I keep quite a few in reserve just in case.

Cindy Lou has lost her computer privileges for a few days, and is aware that the punishment will be more severe next time.

Brother Billy Bob, I have read what has happened. I also have noticed that it happens to more than one True Christian man. A few months ago Mistress Cookie, my lovely Phebe and I where discussing a program for new brides, or women who had fallen into bad habits.
Kindly Kompanion Kompound or KKK for short, will be a place for retraining or proper training. It will be staffed by True Christian ladies, and over seen by our staff of Pastors. The ladies will go through basic training, cooking, cleaning, child raising. They will be taught how to plow a field, plant crops,mend a fence, you know all the things that are expected of a wife. Daily prayer sessions focused on obedience.

Phebe and I have purchased the land and have almost completed the buildings. We should be up and running in a few weeks. Does this sound like something you might be interested in?

[Joshua Godwins]

Re: Formal Apology

It is unfortunate incidents such a this that reaffirm my commitment to keeping my wife away from the computer.

Billy Bob, I admire your use of oars to administer discipline. They are perfectly shaped to strike the buttocks. I think if used properly there would be no bruising.

I almost never have to administer any discipline to my wife. This is probably due to the fact that the only activity she is permitted when not doing her wifely chores is Bible study. I keep a belt around just in case.

I'm thinking it might be a good idea to go and purchase an oar. It would look good over the fireplace and serve as a very visual warning. Do you have any recommendations Brother Billy?