A Great Disappointment

[Cooper King]

Good evening.

Two weeks ago, I ordered a bible to replace my worn forty-year-old edition. The cover had come lose, and I simply can not bare a damaged bible. To my dismay, the edition I ordered, instead of the King James Bible I had specified, was instead the "Saint Joseph Edition of the New American Bible". I simply do not know what to do. The cover is red leather in a shade akin to blood. The inscription, with my name, is covered in a glittery gold-like substance. I daresay I fear opening the bible.

What should I do? I cannot return the bible until tomorrow morning. I am left with this mockery of God's law sitting in my parlor. Do I burn it? Please, I need assistance.

[Turtlesaurus]

Re: A Great Disappointment

Can't say I've ever even heard of a Saint Joseph Edition. If having it in your home bothers you that much, why not simply place it outside in a box until you can return it tomorrow and get the Bible you wanted?

[Brother Enoch]

Re: A Great Disappointment

Good evening.

Two weeks ago, I ordered a bible to replace my worn forty-year-old edition. The cover had come lose, and I simply can not bare a damaged bible. To my dismay, the edition I ordered, instead of the King James Bible I had specified, was instead the "Saint Joseph Edition of the New American Bible". I simply do not know what to do. The cover is red leather in a shade akin to blood. The inscription, with my name, is covered in a glittery gold-like substance. I daresay I fear opening the bible.

What should I do? I cannot return the bible until tomorrow morning. I am left with this mockery of God's law sitting in my parlor. Do I burn it? Please, I need assistance.

Have you considered using it as a base for a rat trap baited with walnuts to trap squirrels? Be creative here, there has to be something it's useful for. Do you have a table with one leg that's too short?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: A Great Disappointment

Good evening.

Two weeks ago, I ordered a bible to replace my worn forty-year-old edition. The cover had come lose, and I simply can not bare a damaged bible. To my dismay, the edition I ordered, instead of the King James Bible I had specified, was instead the "Saint Joseph Edition of the New American Bible". I simply do not know what to do. The cover is red leather in a shade akin to blood. The inscription, with my name, is covered in a glittery gold-like substance. I daresay I fear opening the bible.

What should I do? I cannot return the bible until tomorrow morning. I am left with this mockery of God's law sitting in my parlor. Do I burn it? Please, I need assistance.

Use it as a doorstop; Jesus won't care.

I urge you to read my sermon HERE on the subject of how we can tell which Bible version is the one TRUE Word of God.

[Cooper King]

Re: A Great Disappointment

Thank you, Pastor Ezekiel.

I now fear the Bible may be Catholic. I haven't the faintest idea how the bookseller thought I wanted a Catholic bible instead of the King James edition, which I had specified.

[Yeshua bar Yusuf]

Re: A Great Disappointment

Brother Cooper, I recently had a similar experience in which a band of Jehovah's Witnesses left a false Bible in my home. Within a matter of hours, I could feel the book's demonic influences urging me to drink, fornicate, and engage in homosinuality.

On the advice of Brother Harold Porter, I soaked the vile tome in gasoline for several hours while I prayed, then set it ablaze.

I will pray for the safety of your soul while you decide how best to dispose of your own unholy text.

Yours in my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ,
Yeshua

[Holyservant]

Re: A Great Disappointment

I had a simillar sitiation on my hands once and had to pray on it I did. Burning it would only make it's evil airborn it would. But God came to me in a dream and told me what to do. He instucted me as so. Durring a full moon Ye must first soak the vile text in cows goats blood. This will be done in a bucket. The goat will serv as a secrafise for god. WHile the book soaks you will take the goat and place it on a STONE alter and burn it but before you do that you must remove its heart (you will need it). The bucket with book and blood will be placed near by on a small stone pedistal. Then around the pedistal you will place 7 burning candles. Oh did I mention the goats neck must be slit by a sword blessed by a pastor? becuse thats kinda important. Any way after the candles are lit you must recite the lords prayer in latin cut your hand open and trickle a bit of your blood over the bucket. This will help purify it for your blood is Christian. Yous will then take the goats heart and it it and I mean all of it without puking it up until it is ALL down. You will then go to the bucket and puke up the heart over the book. You must then take the bucket and it's contents and encase in concreate. This will be buried 9 feet under the ground near an oak tree. The tree will soak up any evil that escapes. And that is that.

[Redeemed Papist]

Re: A Great Disappointment

I had a simillar sitiation on my hands once and had to pray on it I did. Burning it would only make it's evil airborn it would. But God came to me in a dream and told me what to do. He instucted me as so. Durring a full moon Ye must first soak the vile text in cows goats blood. This will be done in a bucket. The goat will serv as a secrafise for god. WHile the book soaks you will take the goat and place it on a STONE alter and burn it but before you do that you must remove its heart (you will need it). The bucket with book and blood will be placed near by on a small stone pedistal. Then around the pedistal you will place 7 burning candles. Oh did I mention the goats neck must be slit by a sword blessed by a pastor? becuse thats kinda important. Any way after the candles are lit you must recite the lords prayer in latin cut your hand open and trickle a bit of your blood over the bucket. This will help purify it for your blood is Christian. Yous will then take the goats heart and it it and I mean all of it without puking it up until it is ALL down. You will then go to the bucket and puke up the heart over the book. You must then take the bucket and it's contents and encase in concreate. This will be buried 9 feet under the ground near an oak tree. The tree will soak up any evil that escapes. And that is that.

I'd love to see the scripture...

[Holyservant]

Re: A Great Disappointment

I'd love to see the scripture...

Scripture? I done told you this was directly from god. Wasn't in no book. He came to me. He talks to me often. Almost as often as I talk to him. You could hear him too if you just have faith. Oh praise him!