Fire Breathing Soldier of God

[gregincambodia]

I sequestered myself for a few weeks to study the Bible in earnest, and I made it all the way to Isaiah. Isaiah 30:33 really got me thinking.

I always used to imagine God as a relatively hygienic fellow; the idea of a divine stench never crossed my mind. But apparently His mouth exudes stank so potent as to start fires. Wow! Of course, I know that God created man in His own image Genesis 1:27, and He sure did gift me with some foul halitosis, but fire breathing? It seemed impossible until I did a little research.

What are the main components of bad breath? Even godless scientists admit that they are methane, hydrogen and sulphur. Flammable Brimstone! And who peddles all of that toothpaste and mouthwash?

Proctor & Gamble: clearly craps addicted butt doctors.

Johnson and Johnson: The gayest company since Cock and Weiner Meat Packing went bottom up.

Dental hygiene is obviously a Satanic conspiracy.

I now realize that oral funk is a God given weapon which I can use to smite heathens. I stopped brushing a while ago and although I have not spewed any fire, I have already noticed a repellent effect. Heathens are avoiding me as if they can sense that I am soon to become a Reeking Mouthed Soldier of God!

I already read the fart thread, which totally ties in to the body odor as a weapon against satan idea. Are there any Bible verses dealing with crotch and armpit odors? I heard that Jesus was into foot washing, so I guess that one is out.

[Basilissa]

Re: Fire Breathing Soldier of God

Thank you for bringing this important issue up. However, it seems that God may like some of these cool mint chewing gums, as exemplified by this verse:

Job 37:10 By the breath of God frost is given: and the breadth of the waters is straitened.

[NickOwens]

Re: Fire Breathing Soldier of God

We buttmongers are not in charge of any of the offices in dentistry, unfortunately, although all the homeless people I know have completely rejected hygiene. They are loyal servants to god, though! Lying in a heap on a bridge for months on end really allows the filth...err I mean faith to ferment. Being a gay man, I can say I am completely turned off from someone who avoids a hygienic necessity such as brushing.

[Basilissa]

Re: Fire Breathing Soldier of God

We buttmongers are not in charge of any of the offices in dentistry, unfortunately, although all the homeless people I know have completely rejected hygiene. They are loyal servants to god, though! Lying in a heap on a bridge for months on end really allows the filth...err I mean faith to ferment. Being a gay man, I can say I am completely turned off from someone who avoids a hygienic necessity such as brushing.

Hello, and nice to meet you, sweetie! Please make an introduction thread on your own, where we could explain to you in detail why God hates you. (Hint: read Leviticus 20:13).

[gregincambodia]

Re: Fire Breathing Soldier of God

We buttmongers are not in charge of any of the offices in dentistry, unfortunately, although all the homeless people I know have completely rejected hygiene. They are loyal servants to god, though! Lying in a heap on a bridge for months on end really allows the filth...err I mean faith to ferment. Being a gay man, I can say I am completely turned off from someone who avoids a hygienic necessity such as brushing.

Every dental hygienist I have ever met was either a homer or a woman working outside the home.

Thanks for the Job reference Basilissa, I am a little embarrassed that I did not remember it I must be reading too quickly. Clearly God would be able to switch from sulphurous fetor to minty cool freshness at will.

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Fire Breathing Soldier of God

You raise an interesting point Greg, one my natural healthy state has not allowed me to personally explore. I have always known the LORD enjoys the smell of burning flesh (Numbers 29:2; Numbers 29:13; Leviticus 2:9; Exodus 29:18), and so we BBQ often in the Etheldreda yard in hopes He smells it up from where He is and is duly pleased. Sometimes, if it's cold outside, we'll just throw some bacon fat in the fireplace (Leviticus 17:6). Anyway, your question piqued my curiosity because I recall reading how some of His enemies who are so wrapped up in their foolish idolatry cannot smell at all:

Not unto us, O LORD, not unto us, but unto thy name give glory, for thy mercy, and for thy truth's sake.
Wherefore should the heathen say, Where is now their God?
But our God is in the heavens: he hath done whatsoever he hath pleased.
Their idols are silver and gold, the work of men's hands.
They have mouths, but they speak not: eyes have they, but they see not:
They have ears, but they hear not: noses have they, but they smell not:
They have hands, but they handle not: feet have they, but they walk not: neither speak they through their throat.
Psalms Chapter 115:1-7

Naturally I wondered if you'd run into these people with no sense of smell, and if so, how goes your witnessing?

[gregincambodia]

Re: Fire Breathing Soldier of God

Well, I feel that I am quickly getting in over my head here. I really need to study more.

I will say that the butthists here are quite fond of idols both silver and gold. I can also attest that they seem immune to the even the most foul odors I have ever encountered. Seriously, fermented fish paste is their favorite condiment.

I was initially attracted just to the pie hole flame thrower concept. I mean how cool is that? But now it seems to me that body odor has much deeper import. I'm beginning to feel that I have found my true calling. I'm going to stop bathing immediately!

About the feet: do you think I should wash them in accordance with John 13:8-10?

[A Follower]

Re: Fire Breathing Soldier of God

Welcome Greg, thank you for your work amongst the God-forsaken vietcong heathens, it must be a truly rewarding job, knowing that the people you convert, who once were murdering American soldiers on a Godly mission against communism, are now fighting for Him.

God does instruct that washing your feet means you're washed all over, that's pretty clear, but only when you're a Christian. So if you're dirty after having washed your feet you're obviously not Christian.

I would point out Mark 7:1-6 too, it explains that washing your hands before eating with Jesus means you're a hypocrite. And a few verses later, Mark 7:8-9 explains that washing your pots and pans means you're rejecting God's commandment.

Of course, when you get another man's discharge on you you do have to bathe in water (and wash your clothes if you were wearing any) that's obvious from Leviticus 15:1-13

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Fire Breathing Soldier of God

Seriously, fermented fish paste is their favorite condiment.

The slants love their fish, and the rottener the better.

They also love rotten beans.