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Pizza Restaurants: A Christian Review
Greetings, fellow True Christians™ and unsaved filth. Any red-blooded real American knows that the most delicious and nutritious meal is a good old American cheese burger with freedom fries and pop. However, sometimes we may desire different fare, and pizza is always a popular choice. True, it was invented by greasy Mary-hailing wops, but there are many Godly American restaurants that produce a version of pizza acceptable for Christians and Republicans to consume. Unfortunately, there are also many ungodly restaurants that also produce pizza that, while delicious, funds terrorist liberal causes. This is the purpose of this thread: sorting the good from the bad.
Pizza Ranch:
Cowboy-themed pizza buffet. Doesn't that sound like a place John Wayne or Ronald Reagan himself would've loved if they were here instead of in Heaven with Jesus? While the premise certainly sounds Republican enough, just take a look at their motto: "To glorify God by positively impacting the world we live in."
To make matters even better, the chain is exclusively localized to the Midwest, i.e. Real America. Sorry East Coast liberal elite, no Pizza Ranch for you.
Godfather's:
Despite formerly being run by one of the GOP's official Token Negroes Herman Cain, the chain is sinful and offensive. This restaurant, while its food is quite good, glorifies mafia violence, Catholicism, and Italianness, which is completely unacceptable. Their mascot is based on the character played by notorious liberal Marlon Brando in the vile film The Godfather, which features a gay sex scene:
Pizza Hut:
Endorsed by The Donald. Enough said. If you go there, get the stuffed crust like he tells us to.
Any non-chain pizza restaurant:
No. Do not patronize any pizza restaurant not owned and operated by a Godly U.S. corporation. Simple logic tells us that if their food was any good, they'd be making enough money to open more than one location. Aside from that, you have no idea who is in running the place. There are many one-off pizzerias run by liberals, homosexuals, hipsters, blacks, or even Italians! Do you want people like that handling your food?
Papa John's:
Delicious pizza, though unfortunately only carry out/delivery (which indirectly has the silver lining of supporting the Godly U.S. petroleum industry). Their founder and former CEO, Papa John Schnatter, is a good and Godly man who contributed money to the election campaign of then-future President Trump. Like The Donald, he has also been the victim of a fake news campaign designed to malign and discredit him by accusing him of sexual misconduct, racism, and dubious business dealings. Does this look like the face of an evil man?
Little Caesar's:
Endorses the Roman Catholic Church. Also trivializes and humorizes political assassinations by featuring Julius Caesar as their mascot, and this should be taken as an implicit threat on the life of Donald Trump, perhaps in response to his support of their rival Pizza Hut. Also cheap, and thus good enough for bums and street trash but not good enough for my family or yours.
Pizza Ranch:
Cowboy-themed pizza buffet. Doesn't that sound like a place John Wayne or Ronald Reagan himself would've loved if they were here instead of in Heaven with Jesus? While the premise certainly sounds Republican enough, just take a look at their motto: "To glorify God by positively impacting the world we live in."
To make matters even better, the chain is exclusively localized to the Midwest, i.e. Real America. Sorry East Coast liberal elite, no Pizza Ranch for you.Godfather's:
Despite formerly being run by one of the GOP's official Token Negroes Herman Cain, the chain is sinful and offensive. This restaurant, while its food is quite good, glorifies mafia violence, Catholicism, and Italianness, which is completely unacceptable. Their mascot is based on the character played by notorious liberal Marlon Brando in the vile film The Godfather, which features a gay sex scene:
Pizza Hut:
Endorsed by The Donald. Enough said. If you go there, get the stuffed crust like he tells us to.
Any non-chain pizza restaurant:
No. Do not patronize any pizza restaurant not owned and operated by a Godly U.S. corporation. Simple logic tells us that if their food was any good, they'd be making enough money to open more than one location. Aside from that, you have no idea who is in running the place. There are many one-off pizzerias run by liberals, homosexuals, hipsters, blacks, or even Italians! Do you want people like that handling your food?
Papa John's:
Delicious pizza, though unfortunately only carry out/delivery (which indirectly has the silver lining of supporting the Godly U.S. petroleum industry). Their founder and former CEO, Papa John Schnatter, is a good and Godly man who contributed money to the election campaign of then-future President Trump. Like The Donald, he has also been the victim of a fake news campaign designed to malign and discredit him by accusing him of sexual misconduct, racism, and dubious business dealings. Does this look like the face of an evil man?
Little Caesar's:
Endorses the Roman Catholic Church. Also trivializes and humorizes political assassinations by featuring Julius Caesar as their mascot, and this should be taken as an implicit threat on the life of Donald Trump, perhaps in response to his support of their rival Pizza Hut. Also cheap, and thus good enough for bums and street trash but not good enough for my family or yours.
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