Can somebody help me to be a man? Please?

[Husband without Joy]

Gotta be quick here. She went out dancing, but forgot to lock me under the stairs.

Can someone help me? I don't know what to do anymore. My wife doesn't acknowledge me in public, calls me names, and kicks and beats me if I displease her. I still have bruises from when I served her a slightly runny egg last week, and my blanket is still damp from last night, when she threw a bucket of urine on me as I slept so I "don't forget [my] place".

She makes me cook and clean and serve her Wiccan coven's every need. Bring them cookies and ice cream, be their footstool or spittoon, or scrub the baby blood out from under their nails. At least they say it's baby blood.

I have read a bit on this forum and see that the men here are in charge of their households, and aren't locked in a cage under the stairs. How do you do it? Why don't your wives flog you? Why don't you have cages, like the one she had waiting for me on our wedding night, when she told me she'd dismissed all my household servants because I'd be doing the chores from then on?

Could Jesus help me to be a man like Bobby-Joe or Deaner? I miss sleeping in my bed upstairs, and I'm tired of wearing pink fuzzy slippers and washing dishes and praying to a tree.


PS - Please don't tell her I was here. If she finds out, she'll beat me black and blue again and lock me under the stairs without supper. Just like the time i tried to send a note out through the postman.

[Nobar King]

Re: Can somebody help me to be a man? Please?

You poor dear soul. Jesus weeps for your liberation. What have you done to reach this level of despair? Can you not leave this harpy, or succubus?

Has this woman forced you to distance yourself from your family?

You can be assured that there are caring men here at Landover who are available to help you overcome this situation you have temporarily found yourself in. Don't be shy; sharing some more information about you will help us to help you best.

[Eugene Hackwith]

Re: Can somebody help me to be a man? Please?

Have you always considered yourself an spineless, effeminate man? The last word in that question is the keyword. You are a MAN, so be one! No man should be the one to do household chores, let alone let his wife pour urine on him. I'd suggest putting her in her place as soon as she gets home...she'll never know what hit her. Is she larger than you, physically? If so, you may need something to defend yourself with, like a wood-splitting maul.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Can somebody help me to be a man? Please?

First of all, you need to pray to Jesus to perform a mircle and help you grow a set of MAN JEWELS!

I've never heard such a pathetic story in my life. Imagine, a grown Man allowing himself to be dominated by a mere female! That runs against everything Christianity stands for. Read your Bible, pal! Then when the little lady gets home, smack her a good one with that same Word of God!

And I'll even pray for you if you'll post a picture of it here on God's favorite forum. Glory!!

[VictoryOS]

Re: Can somebody help me to be a man? Please?

She really doesn't seem that intelligent. Are you sure you can't just outsmart her, then hit her in the head with a shovel or something?

[Nobar King]

Re: Can somebody help me to be a man? Please?

What do you guys do for laughs? Anything?

[Husband without Joy]

Re: Can somebody help me to be a man? Please?

You poor dear soul. Jesus weeps for your liberation. What have you done to reach this level of despair? Can you not leave this harpy, or succubus?

Mr. King, maybe you didn't notice that she keeps me locked in a cage when I'm not doing chores for her. Nobody can hear me cry for help when she's out because the house is set well back from the gates . . . and I can't just walk out, because she told me she has trained dogs out there waiting to attack me and bite off my ears! And whenever I ask to be let outside for a little while, she holds me face down and . . . does horrible things to me with her swollen . . . Oh, I can't say, it's too degrading!

Has this woman forced you to distance yourself from your family?

No indeed, sir. My entire family died of a horrible case of food poisoning at our wedding reception. She is my only surviving heir.

You can be assured that there are caring men here at Landover who are available to help you overcome this situation you have temporarily found yourself in. Don't be shy; sharing some more information about you will help us to help you best.

Thank you for your support, sir. I'll do what I can before she gets home.

Is she larger than you, physically? If so, you may need something to defend yourself with, like a wood-splitting maul.

Significantly, sir. The one time I raised a hand to her (trying to block one of her punches), she swung me 'round the room by that hand, and pulled my shoulder out of joint. I had to fix it myself, I'm not allowed to see doctors. Held it in place and rammed it against a wall, I did.

First of all, you need to pray to Jesus to perform a mircle and help you grow a set of MAN JEWELS!

Well, I did try praying to Hera, but she didn't help. Do you think Jesus would?

I've never heard such a pathetic story in my life. Imagine, a grown Man allowing himself to be dominated by a mere female! That runs against everything Christianity stands for. Read your Bible, pal! Then when the little lady gets home, smack her a good one with that same Word of God!

Little, sir? You've certainly not seen her. And I have no Bible. I'm only allowed to read a few books on Wicca, and the Wall Street Journal.

And I'll even pray for you if you'll post a picture of it here on God's favorite forum. Glory!!

Oh, I'm not allowed to have cameras, sir.

She really doesn't seem that intelligent. Are you sure you can't just outsmart her, then hit her in the head with a shovel or something?

I wish it were that easy, ma'am! But she puts fluoride in all my water, and she doesn't let me get hold of any big heavy items.

I'll be back shortly, I'd best stoke the fire. She'll be angry if she realizes she left me out, and I didn't at least keep the fire hot.

Please don't tell her I was here!!

[Justina Thyme]

Re: Can somebody help me to be a man? Please?

Your wife's DEMON has a name, and that name is Jezebel:

THE JEZEBEL SPIRIT

Regarding Jezebel: In the 70's and 80's, the women rebelled. Jezebel was out of control with an attitude demanding desires, like a harlot nature. This produced women wanting to step over the laws of God. They began to look for fulfillment in the role of a harlot. At this time we also noticed a great surge of breast cancer in the women of our nation. That unfulfilled hunger had produced a decaying corruption that would bring death. This bitterness and resentment manifested in the breast of the woman, the place of the woman's ability to feed and nurture her children. The bitterness and resentment could be seen in the physical realm of the body, and the woman became the target of satan's destruction. Revelation 2:20 "But I have this against you: that you tolerate the woman Jezebel, who calls herself a prophetess [claiming to be inspired], and who is teaching and leading astray my servants and beguiling them into practicing sexual vice and eating food sacrificed to idols."

The Greek words for practicing sexual vice or fornication in the Strong's Concordance are numbers 4202 and 4203 - Harlotry (including adultery and incest); idolatry; to act the harlot, i.e. indulge unlawful lust (of either sex ) or practice idolatry: commit (fornication). END-TIME DELIVERANCE MINISTRY Note: fornication was practiced during worship of demons.

At this point please be honest and examine yourself. You may say, "I don't practice idolatry." Well, idolatry is more than worshiping a statue. It can be a person, money, people, yes, even your church. As we learned in another article, anything that comes before God is idolatry.

How many times have people who come for DELIVERANCE told you that they tried to talk to their friends and pastors about things that were wrong with them and that they might have a demon and the people just pat them on the back and say, "You're ok, there's nothing wrong with you." This is crying peace, peace when there is no peace.

No evil can come upon us... How many times have we heard, "Christians can't have demons.. or .. The devil can't cross the blood line"... and there are other such statements that come from lying demons.

The Lord has made it plain to us that He does not want us to listen to these false prophets. It brings destruction upon us.

BIND the fornications of Jezebel and all her witchcrafts; divination and sorcery; seducing, beguiling and bewitching spirits.

TRAITS OF AHAB AND JEZEBEL DEMON SPIRITS IN US

Rebellious children.
Ahab makes a spiritually weak man who leaves the job to the Jezebelic woman.
Divorce is prominent in Ahab and Jezebel marriages.
Ahab hates Jezebel but can not do anything about it.
Jezebel is a controlling and manipulative woman.
Jezebel and Ahab cannot communicate well together.
Ahab has a fear of getting hurt by others.
Ahab has a materialistic drive.
Jezebel is never happy.
Ahab pouts.
Jezebel says "If you loved me you would...."

(These are just a few of the traits of the traits of the Jezebel and Ahab demons.) Jezebellic forces do their most deadly and telling damage when they are able to work covertly, undetected. Women should have a meek and quiet spirit. I Peter 3:1-6 Verse 4 "But let it be the inward adorning and beauty of the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible and unfading charm of a gentle and peaceful spirit, which [is not anxious or wrought up, but] is very precious in the sight of God."

Let me share some facts about Jezebel and her bad character. There will be:
-Control
-Manipulation
-Intimidation
-Rebellion
-Pride
-Hate
-Unsubmitted (but appears to be submitted)
-Liar
-Sows discord and seditions
-Undermines authority
-Religious (appears to be loyal and faithful, but only to accomplish its purpose)
-Cannot admit wrong, always someone else's fault
-Unrepentant
-False humility
-Fear
-Considers themselves to be important
-Uses deception and deceit
-Works witchcraft

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Can somebody help me to be a man? Please?

You appear to be the author of your own misfortunes. What on earth gave you the idea to take her unto wife in the first place? Were you not warned of her character?

You may have a case against her father, but, to be frank, I don’t think you’re going to have the get up and go to even mention this to him. Like the second-hand car salesman, who recently cheated one of the Sisters here, he’s probably laughing all the way to the bank! Nevertheless, I suppose I ought to have some small sympathy with your plight, so listen up!

When The North took away our slaves, a follower of a false prophet, Isaac T. Hopper, a Quaker and inspired by satan, started “The Underground Railway”. This system is still in existence today but is used to save husbands from harridans, witches, Goths, lezbeans and all manner of other malformed females.

Here’s what you must do:

The next time you get sent to Wal-Mart, you will see the Customers’ notice board. This had adverts on it. You must place, word for word, the following advert on that board:


“For Sale, 1999 Ford Escort, Service Light still on. Would suit enthusiast $2,200. Enquiries to [and here’s the clever bit] your address with your house number plus 5 houses, your telephone number with the final 2 digits reversed.”


If there is an Undergound Railway network in your area, you will be contacted.


However, if you are not a True Christian™, this idea is not going to be for you as we found that those who were rescued never went on to learn the Lord’s lessons in wife domination, thus if they were ever traced, they just meekly went back like lambs to the slaughter.

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Can somebody help me to be a man? Please?

If you want to get rid of her it seems easy enough to me......

She looks like she really likes to eat. Start slipping something into her troft.

[Talitha]

Re: Can somebody help me to be a man? Please?

If I can be of service here please feel free to PM or email me Mr HWJ. (talitha@landoverbaptist.net)

[Ahimaaz Smith]

Re: Can somebody help me to be a man? Please?

Can someone help me? I don't know what to do anymore.

You poor soul, help is on the way in the form of a Christian Commando team from the U.S. Department of Freedom's Covert Operations Directorate. For reasons of security, DOF obviously cannot disclose the timing of this operation, but you should be constantly vigilant. Not only will DOF secure your freedom and Christian rehabilitation, but they will also handle, in the Biblically appropriate manner, your wife and her entire coven, thereby eliminating the ongoing threat to your masculinity and to your immortal soul. Your nighmare will soon be over.

Could Jesus help me to be a man like Bobby-Joe or Deaner?

Jesus can certainly be of great assistance, but I don't think you should be asking him for a manhood the size of Pastor Bobby-Joe's or Deaner's, at least not at first. They are unusually manly men, even by the heightened standard of Landover Baptist Christianity. The most important thing for you to ask of Jesus is forgiveness from your sins and deliverance from your obviously sissy-homoerotic tendencies, just in case our rescue operation ends in tragedy. DOF has a better than 20% success rate in these sorts of missions (defined as successfully extracting the hostage alive), so you don't need to worry. Nevertheless, DOF wouldn't want to deliver you from your Hell on Earth only to find you transported immediately to the Hell in Hell if you happen to be caught in the crossfire.

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Re: Can somebody help me to be a man? Please?

If you want to get rid of her it seems easy enough to me......

She looks like she really likes to eat. Start slipping something into her troft.

Indeed Sister, you have hinted on some yet to be released research that is currently being completed at Landover University. Ever mindful of the Love our Savior shows us the path to; the Landover University Institute for Attitude Adjustment and Behavioral Conditioning has been experimenting with a number of ways to help men out of similar situations our poster is experiencing. Owing to the ongoing decline in our culture of True Men™ from decades of feminazi, lezbean, and "sensitivity" influences, it is often necessary to apply some extreme measures. I was able to obtain a photo of one such experiment that is showing great promise and we are looking into having these kits available on our web site at a nominal cost.

[Herr_Doktor Phd.]

Re: Can somebody help me to be a man? Please?

I suspect Husband without Joy already has one of these kits as it seems clear that he is always living in the doghouse.

The trick is to turn the worm.

He should invite some Landover Baptists over to start a good old fashioned exorcism on this wench and her 12 special friends.

[Ahimaaz Smith]

Re: Can somebody help me to be a man? Please?

the U.S. Department of Freedom's Covert Operations Directorate

I'm feeling a little sheepish about this, but somehow I managed to mangle the name of the most important arm of the US Government, the Department of Faith. I wish to assure everyone at Landover that this was an unintentional slip of the tongue (well, slip of the fingers) brought on by my great joy in learning that the Department of Faith was going to secure Husband without Joy's freedom.

I wish to apologize to all of the good people of the Department of Faith, and especially to the members of the Covert Operations Directorate, who are bringing the winning tactics of our Christian soldiers in Iraq to bear in the defense of our homeland and the Christian values enshrined in the Constitution of the United States of America.

Needless to say, like all True Christians(TM), I consider faith to be far more important than freedom, and I know that George W. Bush, the greatest US President since James K. Polk (with the possible exception of Ronald W. Reagan), agrees. Freedom without faith is nothing more than decadence and sin, and who would want that?