Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation

[Faith_Machine]

Friends, I really need all you prayer warriors to really pull out the stops on this one and pray like crazy.


As you might have heard, I recently began taking a medicine called oxycontin to cure a nasty hangover from which I had been suffering.


Unfortunately, nobody told me this oxy stuff is an opioid, and apparently you're supposed to drink lots of water when you're on opioids so you don't get "backed up."


Well I was already severely dehydrated from the hangover, and no, I didn't drink extra water when I started on the oxy.


So I'm really experiencing a lot of pain and discomfort now, and I can't seem to "go."




If Jesus doesn't come through for me soon, I might need to go to the emergency room!

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation

Stick with the plan, friend, don't give in to the demons. Try to stop eating for a few days. A few dark beers often does the trick or in a pinch you can use 15mg hydrocortisone suppositories. I guess the oxys will work for that just as well. It sounds like you're in a pinch, so there's one other very risky method I've done to myself many times heard about - but please promise me you will be careful with this one - I needn't warn you of the dangers of catching the AIDS if your finger slips so much as an inch.

While you are straining to push out your bowel movement, use your fingers to firmly push in on the area of your taint, right in front of your anus. Think of it as trying to actually push the end of your taint, into your anus. I know this sounds hilarious and ridiculous, but you will be amazed at how much this alleviates the pain and pressure of the bowel movement.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation

Stick with the plan, friend, don't give in to the demons. Try to stop eating for a few days. A few dark beers often does the trick or in a pinch you can use 15mg hydrocortisone suppositories. I guess the oxys will work for that just as well. It sounds like you're in a pinch so there's one other very risky method I've done to myself many times heard about - but please promise me you will be careful with this one - I needn't warn you of the dangers of catching the AIDS if your finger slips so much as an inch.

While you are straining to push out your bowel movement, use your fingers to firmly push in on the area of your taint, right in front of your anus. Think of it as trying to actually push the end of your taint, into your anus. I know this sounds hilarious and ridiculous, but you will be amazed at how much this alleviates the pain and pressure of the bowel movement.

Thank you very much for trying to help, but this sounds like it could be a gateway sin.

I'm thinking about having the neighbor boy drive me to the emergency room.

[Karameek]

Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation

Friends, I really need all you prayer warriors to really pull out the stops on this one and pray like crazy.


As you might have heard, I recently began taking a medicine called oxycontin to cure a nasty hangover from which I had been suffering.


Unfortunately, nobody told me this oxy stuff is an opioid, and apparently you're supposed to drink lots of water when you're on opioids so you don't get "backed up."


Well I was already severely dehydrated from the hangover, and no, I didn't drink extra water when I started on the oxy.


So I'm really experiencing a lot of pain and discomfort now, and I can't seem to "go."




If Jesus doesn't come through for me soon, I might need to go to the emergency room!

I'm terribly sorry re: your discomfort. I have gastroparesis so I know stomach issues all too well. I had to have a colonoscopy and they had me prep the night before with magnesium citrate (you can get at any pharmacy) and trust me, that'll clear you out really fast.

[Harsha Shah]

Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation

Yes, Mr. Machine. It is Harsha Shah your friend here. Yes. I am familiar with the problems of bowel movement as many friends of mine who are indulging in a diet that contains meat are experiencing these problems on a weekly basis. Yes. I am myself still being committed to vegetarianism and while that is not offering an immediate relief it would be able to harmonise your bowels in a few weeks. Yes.

I am hoping that this answer does not offend you but I am thinking that it is also biblical. I am still reading your Bible and vegetarianism is quite widespread there. In the genesis there is the vegetarian diet that is very healty, yes. "And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat." Yes, Mr Machine. I am sure that this will be very helpful to you. Yes.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation

God bless you Harshah, were I not experiencing intense physical pain right now, I would sing hosannas to express how happy I am to hear that you are delving deep into the Bible.


Say, I kind of went on a drinking bender the other day. If I happened to have sent you any e-mails, could you please just delete them without opening them?

I think my grammar and spelling might have been bad, due to excessive drink.

Yes.

[Vessel of Christ]

Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation

God bless you Harshah, were I not experiencing intense physical pain right now, I would sing hosannas to express how happy I am to hear that you are delving deep into the Bible.


Say, I kind of went on a drinking bender the other day. If I happened to have sent you any e-mails, could you please just delete them without opening them?

I think my grammar and spelling might have been bad, due to excessive drink.

Yes.

You will need 3 things friend. Prayer, Coffee, and cigerattes. Soon you will feel the lords grace pouring out of you!

[Nobar King]

Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation

[Alvin Moss]

Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation

A quart of apple juice will fix you right up, Brother.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation

Well the people at the emergency room wanted to give me an enema, and they thought it would be perfectly fine to have a (presumably) gay male nurse administer it!


Needless to say, I got the heck out of there.

I'm still in horrible pain.

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation

Friend, you are refusing all our suggestions to help you. Do you have a point to prove?

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation

Sorry, I'm in so much pain I can't think straight.

What do you know about self-administered home enemas?

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation

I've heard that removing the shower nozzle works best. Careful not to over-pressurize, for obvious reasons.

There is one last technique from the bowels of India. You need to consume around 4 pints of warm salt water. In between each pint, perform some moderate excercise such as squat thrusts or stretching. The idea is to encourage the water to slosh through your intestines.

After about 1-2 hours... get ready for the tsunami. Don't leave the house! This is a possibly Satanic yoga technique so I hesitate to recommend it - are you sure you can't ride it out with a couple more oxys?

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation

Brotehr FM.

You should be very careful here - there could be an heir on the way:

Ge:15:4: And, behold, the word of the LORD came unto him, saying, This shall not be thine heir; but he that shall come forth out of thine own bowels shall be thine heir.

We could be looking at the fulfillment of prophecy. If you attempt to "Cleanse the draught (Mat:15:17)", do it on a sheet of cloth or your wife's coat or something - we would not want a premature "total immersion" baptism...

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation

Thank you brother Bathfire, this is most troubling.

Note I have no wife. If I am to give birth to an heir, this would not make him a bastard, would it?


I'm so confused!