Friend's size issue *NO WOMEN PERMITTED*

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Brothers, I have an important question for you all. I have a friend who is getting married next month and he's got a problem with the size of his penis. It's only 4 inches long, and that's on a good day. He's never had intercourse before, so not only is he worried that it won't be long enough to do it, but that he won't even know what to do.

He's tried various exercises, pills, devices and creams, but nothing has helped. He has a job that requires him to change and shower in a locker room with other men and they often make fun of him and stare.

Should he be worried about it?

[James Hutchins]

Re: Friend's size issue *NO WOMEN PERMITTED*

Well a few thoughts.
Regarding the size, measurements can be 'improved by using a metric ruler in centimeters. It will give youhim a factor of 2.5, so yourhis four inches becomes 10!

The stares are due to jealousy, same jealousy youhe gets when climbing up into yourhis Hummer.

[Ebenezer Wright]

Re: Friend's size issue *NO WOMEN PERMITTED*

Excuse my language, but it is not the shaft that is important. The balls hold all the juices that are essential for childbirth.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Friend's size issue *NO WOMEN PERMITTED*

Here is my advice for your friend.

Given that the Bible shows how obsessed the Lord is with our manly wedding tackle, if He wanted your friend to be well equipped down there, He would have arranged it. Therefore, your friend should thank God for whatever other attributes He has chosen to give him.

Also, a big tallywhacker isn't necessarily associated with good things in the Bible. Scripture says of Aholibah:

Ezekiel 23:20: For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh [is as] the flesh of asses, and whose issue [is like] the issue of horses.

Any woman who cares about the size of her husband's little buddy is a whore like Aholibah and will meet the same fate.

Moreover, with regard to what your friend should do on his wedding night, that will not be a problem. Since God forbids fornication, He doesn't expect us to have experience on our wedding night. Also, as True Christians™ and thus True Republicans™, we know what a very bad thing sex education beyond "Don't" is. Therefore, God has intelligently designed us to know what to do.

Finally, your friend should report those coworkers to the DOF as homers.

[Big Bird]

Re: Friend's size issue *NO WOMEN PERMITTED*

Friend has he thought of hanging large weights from the end of his manhood? I did and increased my size from a paltry 12inches to a manly 14 inches.

[Johnnyboy]

Re: Friend's size issue *NO WOMEN PERMITTED*

Friend has he thought of hanging large weights from the end of his manhood? I did and increased my size from a paltry 12inches to a manly 14 inches.

LIAR BE GONE. We are here to help one of the good officers "friends".

[Jed_Cassidy]

Re: Friend's size issue *NO WOMEN PERMITTED*

Officer, the Pink Oboe is nothing but another muscle of the human body. And can you elongate muscles? S-T-R-E-T-C-H them ouuuttt!!!

Hope this helps.

[JennyD]

Re: Friend's size issue *NO WOMEN PERMITTED*

So, we'll have salami and bratwurst before the cheesecake, and one of the waiters will be making balloon animals. You know, the ones from the long, thick balloons that they put their lips on and blow to inflate . . .

Oh! Excuse me! I thought this was the thread for Sister Victory's Bridal Shower planning!

I'll just go now.

[Larry Lee]

Re: Friend's size issue *NO WOMEN PERMITTED*

Well Brother, the shame your friend feels is completely justified. A 4-incher hardly qualifies as a True Christian™ tallywacker at all -- and I doubt it's sufficient for successful reproduction.

So, your friend has a problem -- one which purchasing a Hummer dealership *might* help him overcome. But I have a better idea (that is, assuming your friend's betrothed tops-off the hawtness scale).

Sharing.

Sharing is a Biblical virtue that can go a long way to hiding your friend's ridiculous deficiencies from his new bride's sight. She doesn't ever need to know your friend is a man in name only.

Let me bring this matter up with the Benevolence Committee at our next meeting. I've got a feeling your friend needed worry about having intercourse with his wife, ever! and won't that ease his worried mind.

[SUV]

Re: Friend's size issue *NO WOMEN PERMITTED*

I'm SO happy that this has nothing to do with Sister VictoryOS! Dear, DEAR, VictoryOS!

(And Dear Officer: Should anything ever fall through, I know a nice, Religious Lady who just might, might, be amenable....)

Oh-KAY, you Big, Mean Mens! Go hiss at JennyD! She came in the door first!

[Rev. Jim Osborne]

Re: Friend's size issue *NO WOMEN PERMITTED*

My friend, I know exactly what your friend is going through! Being small of stature often puts a heavy burden on self-esteem and self-confidence while being with a woman. I have a certain friend, who has the same problem. He was naturally a puny 4 1/2 inches. So, in order to stay in the game, he to compensate somewhat by...well, learning tongue exercises. Now, engaging in the sordid act of cunnilingus is frowned upon by many a True Christian(tm), but as long as it is used to encite the female to mate with you, then there is no sin.

Fortunately, my friend started making a lot of money with his 1980's television show which was broadcast around the world to over 90 countries! He amassed a prized collection of Rolls-Royces and had a stunning mansion overlooking the Pacific Ocean. With the money, he was able to get a penile implant and is now a respectable 8 inches.

I imagine your friend is also an officer, and a policeman makes an honest salary so hopefully he can look into a skilled Jewish urologist for male enchancement. I recommend one: Dr. Mort Edelstein of UCLA! He took really good care of me my friend and my friend is never again ashamed of pleasuring prostitutes his wife.

[Old Man Hatchet]

Re: Friend's size issue *NO WOMEN PERMITTED*

I've delved into this subject previously.

Many men today are worried about the size of their tallywackers. They're mangling their manhood with fiendish contraptions . . .



. . . and swallowing pills to gain an inch or two.




I'm baffled as to why a man would be concerned about the dimensions of his pecker. It's the coconuts that matter. They house "spermatozoa," which is Italian for "tiny human beings." The bigger your grapefruit, the more tiny Christians you're producing. Why is this important? Women are inherently evil and have a horde of tiny demons inside of them waiting to kill your diminutive friends; therefore, you want to amass as large an army as possible to conquer your wife's uterus and set up shop. Also, it's a fact that women are turned off by jumbo-sized jimmies, but love colossal nutsacks.

So to summarize, gentlemen: it's not the cue stick--it's the billiard balls. Praise Jesus.

[TC Patriot]

Re: Friend's size issue *NO WOMEN PERMITTED*

As long as he's not firing blanks. Sure a .44 is better than a .22 but a .22 can get the job done. It just might take a few more shots. Of course this guy could be a sissy.

[BrianAddams]

Re: Friend's size issue *NO WOMEN PERMITTED*

4 isn't really that small only a little below average. 'It's not the size of the boat it's the motion of the ocean.'