Problem with Wife's gas *PRIVATE, DO NOT READ*

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

This message is only for the senior pastors on the forums. If you are not a senior pastor or elder, do not read the following post!





I am a happily married man. VictoryOS is at least the third best thing that's ever happened to me. (Besides getting saved and becoming an Officer of the Law.)

However, one of the first things I noticed about her is her tendency to break wind. A lot.

I know she does her best to not do it, but there are times when it sounds like she's ripping fabric. And then the smell. The smell is horrible, I know it can't be something that pleases the Lord. Sometimes I come home from duty and it smells like the house is filled with rotting eggs.

We eat a wholesome American diet of red meat, so it can't be a dietary problem. I just can't figure out why she moves wind so much. Does this displease God? Does it make me less of a man that she does it more than me?

Any help is appreciated.

Over and out.

[Wide-Open]

Re: Problem with Wife's gas *PRIVATE, DO NOT READ*

Don. <this is private right?>

I'm lost for words. I can't imagine Sister Vic being, erm, flatulent like that. Not the delicate flower she is.

Now... and this can hurt... are you sure it's her? Does she do it when you are around or... is she having an affair? Mind you, it could be innocent. Milkmen, and what have you.

I'm not pointing fingers, and I am not looking for shit hitting the fan (if you know what I mean), but... are you sure she is 100% loyal to you?

Maybe you need to wake up and smell the roses.

Matthew 5:26
Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means come out thence, till thou hast paid the uttermost farthing.

[Tone Whitterman]

Re: Problem with Wife's gas *PRIVATE, DO NOT READ*

Back in my day, we'd just smack the wind out of them. But then I guess you bunch of spineless liberals don't condone that sort of behaviour with your la-di-da human rights. I'd offer to do it for you, but my arthritis has been playin' up recently.

[Rev. Jim Osborne]

Re: Problem with Wife's gas *PRIVATE, DO NOT READ*

Officer Don,

I don't know how I can delicately word this, but we're both men and we know about all the deviant kinds of acts people can do to each other in the bedroom. Now, you seem like a Godly man and I'm not accusing of this, but is it possible you've been entering your wife into certain holes that God has deemed an abomination?

I've counseled many men over the years who have given into the temptation of sodomy with their wives. Their rationale is "Well, it's not with another man, it's with my wife and I love her." It doesn't matter. In God's eyes it's a sin, since sexual intercourse should only be for reproductive purposes.

The reason I say this is often a person who is a recipient of such a demonic act repeatedly will develop a loose sphincter and may have a hard time holding in their flatulence. Also problems with incontinence may result in extreme cases. If this is the cause for your wife's gas, then you must repent your sins and pray (and tithe a little extra next Sunday) and hopefully the problem will go away.

[Larry Lee]

Re: Problem with Wife's gas *PRIVATE, DO NOT READ*

No worries, Brother. In time, you'll come to relish the delicacies of her aroma.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Problem with Wife's gas *PRIVATE, DO NOT READ*

No worries, Brother. In time, you'll come to relish the delicacies of her aroma.

Either that or put a cork in it.

[Wide-Open]

Re: Problem with Wife's gas *PRIVATE, DO NOT READ*

Either that or put a cork in it.

Wouldn't that cause Sister Vic to ... explode after a while?

Good thing she can't read this thread.

[eliot mayfield]

Re: Problem with Wife's gas *PRIVATE, DO NOT READ*

You could try this:

http://www.beanogas.com/BeanoCommercial.html

http://www.beanogas.com/

Don't despair, even some of our founding fathers dealt with this delicate issue

http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/index.asp?document=470

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Problem with Wife's gas *PRIVATE, DO NOT READ*

Sorry! I tripped and fell in here and then accidentally read this thread.

Sorry to hear about your stinky situation Officer Don, perhaps you should get Sister V some of those underwear the Japs make

http://www.tokyoreporter.com/2009/04/29/odor-eating-undies-eradicate-organic-emissions/

Don't worry I won't say anything about this thread to the Ladies of Landover. Funny you should mention this though, sometimes when we have our Wednesday afternoon Tea and Scripture parties I thought I smelled offensive odors emitting from here but assumed it was the help (we know how most coloreds smell like wet dogs).

Helpful, Sister Thumper

[Rapture Eddie]

Re: Problem with Wife's gas *PRIVATE, DO NOT READ*

I'm really glad that you marked this here thread as private. We wouldn't want the heathens thinking us Christians go around breaking wind.

Now, Brother Don, are you sure that these sounds are coming from her rear end?
I've known a few women that I've tried to Save that pass some kinda gas out of their... well, you know,...... their Cooter.
You need to check she's not seeing some fella behind your back when you're out on duty. Particularly those double shifts that they get you to do at least 4-5 times a month, or when you have to go out of town for training seminars or when you get extra duties for holidays and such?

Just sayin' is all.


.

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Problem with Wife's gas *PRIVATE, DO NOT READ*

I am very sure that there's nothing funny going on when I'm gone. All of my home surveillance footage shows Mrs. Richards going about her duties in the house. I do notice that she makes an occasional wince followed by a face of displeasure quite often in the videos. I'm thinking of buying some of that Beano stuff and grinding it up in her food.

[SUV]

Re: Problem with Wife's gas *PRIVATE, DO NOT READ*

I fell in here Right after Sister Thumper did....NOT on purpose

Maybe Sister Victory could try Eating more of the Foods that smell really good - like Big Macs and all the rest of them that are oozing with Cheeses, Condiments, and Special Sauces?

[Loquacious Jefferson]

Re: Problem with Wife's gas *PRIVATE, DO NOT READ*

I's sorry Offica Don, I had not seen dat only da elderly or pastors sposed to read dis until I alreddy had. Anyways, I know how you be sufferin', lawd knows I been wif some stank-ass heifers in mah day. Fo fast relief whatchoo need be...



Put dem on first, den try da beano.

[JennyD]

Re: Problem with Wife's gas *PRIVATE, DO NOT READ*

Have you considered adding a vent fan to your trailer? Or maybe attaching a Shop-Vac to her posterior?




Oh, I'm sorry, was I not supposed to be able to see this?

[Nobar King]

Re: Problem with Wife's gas *PRIVATE, DO NOT READ*

I remember when I lived in a trailer in CO. that it was easy to open the vents in the morning and allow the heater to blow out any stale air that had accumulated during the night. You might consider more pro-active vent maintainence if you are prepared to continue this relationship.