[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Manly Jokes

I was at a Pastor's Retreat in Tahiti last week and there was an elderly Pastor who told these jokes.

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Manly Jokes

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

Number one, you have to be single and number 2, you must be a Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Methodist."

The nun says, "That's OK, I am on my way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."

[Dipper Dude]

Re: Manly Jokes

Sitting with the old man.
"You can't touch that" I shouted.
"Why the piffle not" came the reply.
"Because you're piffleing black, you!" I told him.


Chess has become frustrating since my old man got Alzheimers.

[FreeFromBrains]

Re: Manly Jokes

The man ducked.

Did she not see it? How come she didn't notice the guy ducking?

[Kriid Do Vokul]

Re: Manly Jokes

Thank you. I'll be sure to take your words to heart.
To get back on topic and paraphrase a different joke; a man and a woman were walking down the street. The woman walked into a bar. The man ducked.

[Dr Laurence Niles]

Re: Manly Jokes

There was no point that I was trying to make. I was honestly asking for advice. While there may be a more appropriate place for that, I am currently not allowed to make a new thread there. Nor am I allowed to ask others via private message.
My sincerest apologies for any confusion I may have caused you.

YIC

You protect yourself from Satan's whiles, guiles and smiles you need only read the Bible, learn it, live it and shout the message to all those dirty sinners that Jesus hates and will send to Hell

Glory!

[Kriid Do Vokul]

Re: Manly Jokes

That's why you do the DIY so your wife can concentrate on things that won't burn the house down like cooking and bringing up the kids.

Seriously, what point are you trying to make? That you don't like DIY? That you hope kids will die in a blazing conflagration?



God Bless

There was no point that I was trying to make. I was honestly asking for advice. While there may be a more appropriate place for that, I am currently not allowed to make a new thread there. Nor am I allowed to ask others via private message.
My sincerest apologies for any confusion I may have caused you.

YIC

[Dr Laurence Niles]

Re: Manly Jokes

And if you can't protect your house from the ineptitude of a woman, how can you protect your family from the guile of Satan and his followers?

That's why you do the DIY so your wife can concentrate on things that won't burn the house down like cooking and bringing up the kids.

Seriously, what point are you trying to make? That you don't like DIY? That you hope kids will die in a blazing conflagration?



God Bless

[Kriid Do Vokul]

Re: Manly Jokes

And if you can't protect your house from the ineptitude of a woman, how can you protect your family from the guile of Satan and his followers?

[Dr Laurence Niles]

Re: Manly Jokes

How many women does it take to change the light bulb in the kitchen?
Who cares, let the b*tch cook in the dark.

How does that make any sense? D you want her to burn the house down and kill the little ones?

If you arn't man enough to fix a darn lightbulb you must be some kind of sissy boy.

YIC

[Kriid Do Vokul]

Re: Manly Jokes

How many women does it take to change the light bulb in the kitchen?
Who cares, let the b*tch cook in the dark.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Manly Jokes

A buck nigra takes a white girl home from a club.

She says, "Show me if it's true what they say about black men".

So he stabs her & takes her purse...

[Paragon of virtue]

Re: Manly Jokes

Another long one making the rounds on the God forsaken social media circuit, but I laughed silently in spite of myself


In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her
and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do
know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly,
you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife,
and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You
think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the
electric chair.

[ToysInTheAttic]

Re: Manly Jokes

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

[WashedWithHisBlood]

Re: Manly Jokes

I'm sorry friends, but isn't this a little rude?

Women are our equals, they were made by God just as we were and they have done many AMAZING things for our world.

We should treat them a little better I believe.

and these jokes aren't really funny at all, brothers.

You're telling us that it is rude to denigrate woman, but it is not rude to have a profile name which says I hate Jesus????

Well here is a joke for you, you filthy sinner you.

Whats the difference between a female and a bucket of turd?

The bucket, lol.