[Didymus Much]

Re: Request for Help

...Also, am I take it that if I persist in eating little owls as a between-meals snack, I've no chance of going to heaven...

If you'd simply followed the instructions given to you multiple times already, viz:

...2. Read the Bible, KJV (1611). Read all of it. Start at the beginning and continue until you have reached the end...

You would already have found your own answer in Mark 7:

Mark 7:15-23 "15 There is nothing from without a man, that entering into him can defile him: but the things which come out of him, those are they that defile the man.
16 If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.
17 And when he was entered into the house from the people, his disciples asked him concerning the parable.
18 And he saith unto them, Are ye so without understanding also? Do ye not perceive, that whatsoever thing from without entereth into the man, it cannot defile him;
19 Because it entereth not into his heart, but into the belly, and goeth out into the draught, purging all meats?
20 And he said, That which cometh out of the man, that defileth the man.
21 For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders,
22 Thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness:
23 All these evil things come from within, and defile the man."

[Roast Beef]

Re: Request for Help

If you'd simply followed the instructions given to you multiple times already, viz:


You would already have found your own answer in Mark 7:

Mark 7:15-23 "15 There is nothing from without a man, that entering into him can defile him: but the things which come out of him, those are they that defile the man.
16 If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.
17 And when he was entered into the house from the people, his disciples asked him concerning the parable.
18 And he saith unto them, Are ye so without understanding also? Do ye not perceive, that whatsoever thing from without entereth into the man, it cannot defile him;
19 Because it entereth not into his heart, but into the belly, and goeth out into the draught, purging all meats?
20 And he said, That which cometh out of the man, that defileth the man.
21 For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders,
22 Thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness:
23 All these evil things come from within, and defile the man."

Dear Mr Much, What I need are explanations and GUIDANCE.
I've got the Bible more or less back together again now (minus a few dozen pages which were too badly nibbled to be readable) and I thought "Right, I can do this..." but straightway hit a snag.
Namely, what does this passage mean?
"And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of
the earth, and daughters were born unto them, that the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose.
And the LORD said, My spirit shall not always strive with man,
for that he also is flesh..."

[Didymus Much]

Re: Request for Help

Dear Mr Much, What I need are explanations and GUIDANCE...

Look, I've already shown you that answers to your questions about the Bible can be found IN THE BIBLE, which you'd know if you'd just read the damned thing, like Mrs. Lytton-Vasey and I had been have been TELLING YOU TO.

READ IT. READ THE WHOLE THING.

THEN, WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED READING THE WHOLE THING, if you still have questions, we can discuss.

Until then, stop wasting everyone's time.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: Request for Help

The only GUIDANCE anyone needs can be found in the Bible.

As a miserly Yorkshire pudding, you are obviously too mean to buy a new copy. The good news is that you can download it from here.


It is even available in a large font (18 point) for the benefit of those whose eyesight has been weakened by years of self-abuse.

[Roast Beef]

Re: Request for Help

The only GUIDANCE anyone needs can be found in the Bible.

As a miserly Yorkshire pudding, you are obviously too mean to buy a new copy. The good news is that you can download it from here.


It is even available in a large font (18 point) for the benefit of those whose eyesight has been weakened by years of self-abuse.

I don't do downloads for fear of catching a virus.
(Since posting my previous message I did find another copy of the KJV, this one in the attic under a mouldering stash of soft porn mags. which I have no idea how they got there.


Anyway, everything I've read so far I've found to be either completely unbelievable or extremely boring. Yet I'm haunted by the vision of that goat so feel I must persevere, if only for the sake of my immortal soul.


Will you pray for me?


Thanks


RB

[Basilissa]

Re: Request for Help

Anyway, everything I've read so far I've found to be either completely unbelievable or extremely boring.

I gather, then, that you haven't even started reading yet, because apparently you haven't got yet to all of the God approved genocides, you can call these uplifting stories many things, but definitely not boring!


Happy reading!

[Didymus Much]

Re: Request for Help

I gather, then, that you haven't even started reading yet, because apparently you haven't got yet to all of the God approved genocides...

Or my all-time favourite verse (I'm sure Basilissa knows what it is), which appears not far in at all. You haven't come here screaming, "The Bible actually says that?! "

[Roast Beef]

Re: Request for Help

I gather, then, that you haven't even started reading yet, because apparently you haven't got yet to all of the God approved genocides, you can call these uplifting stories many things, but definitely not boring!


Happy reading!

You mean I don't have to wade through all of Leviticus and Numbers (!) and most of Deuteronomy before I get to the bits about God being our loving father who can't wait to have us abiding with him in Heaven for all of eternity?

[Roast Beef]

Re: Request for Help

I gather, then, that you haven't even started reading yet, because apparently you haven't got yet to all of the God approved genocides, you can call these uplifting stories many things, but definitely not boring!


Happy reading!

I'm allowed to skip bits?


Are you sure God won't mind?

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Request for Help

What must I do to repent for my unworthy thoughts regarding God and how can I grow to love him?

Hello Mr. Beef, and welcome to our friendly forums! The answer to your question is very simple. You see, a grateful heart is a happy heart, and that means you need to first understand what a foul, disgusting, offensive individual you are.

You might try this little mind experiment. Think of someone or something that offends you so very much that you would rather gouge your own dirty fingernails deep into your retinas in hopes you may never set your eyes on this thing. Take note of your emotion. Add to this the feeling you get when you vomit. Imagine being stuck in a room with the vomit of a dozen fifth graders. Imagine that smell and add this emotion to the first one. Imagine how you might feel if you were to learn that every day for the rest of your life, you would have to wade through a room full of fifth graders, aggressively hurling up school-lunch spaghetti-o's just to get to the corner where the someone or something that offends you is located. Imagine you are stuck with that person or thing for 20 hours straight. Imagine you must do this every day for eternity.

This is how Jesus thinks of you. He is so repulsed by you that He refuses even to listen to your prayers! No wonder when you feel so lost! He hates you and is ignoring you! When you die and face eternal damnation, He will laugh at you (Psalm 2:4), and why shouldn't he? You will have asked for it.

But....

There is Good News!

Jesus deigned to offer His Divine Immortal Life up for three whole days for you to have the opportunity to be forgiven if you only apologize, and believe in what the Holy Bible says about Jesus (Romans 10:9)! Is that not the greatest treasure anyone could find?!?

Gratitude, my dear friend, begets the happiness you seek! You will stop thinking about your own, trivial questions and curiosities, and want nothing less than to devote the rest of your life serving the King of Kings! You won't find anything else so worth your time! You'll find all the answers you're looking for and more, Jesus promises you that (Matthew 7:7)!

[Roast Beef]

Re: Request for Help

Hello Mr. Beef, and welcome to our friendly forums! The answer to your question is very simple. You see, a grateful heart is a happy heart, and that means you need to first understand what a foul, disgusting, offensive individual you are.

You might try this little mind experiment. Think of someone or something that offends you so very much that you would rather gouge your own dirty fingernails deep into your retinas in hopes you may never set your eyes on this thing. Take note of your emotion. Add to this the feeling you get when you vomit. Imagine being stuck in a room with the vomit of a dozen fifth graders. Imagine that smell and add this emotion to the first one. Imagine how you might feel if you were to learn that every day for the rest of your life, you would have to wade through a room full of fifth graders, aggressively hurling up school-lunch spaghetti-o's just to get to the corner where the someone or something that offends you is located. Imagine you are stuck with that person or thing for 20 hours straight. Imagine you must do this every day for eternity.

This is how Jesus thinks of you. He is so repulsed by you that He refuses even to listen to your prayers! No wonder when you feel so lost! He hates you and is ignoring you! When you die and face eternal damnation, He will laugh at you (Psalm 2:4), and why shouldn't he? You will have asked for it.

But....

There is Good News!

Jesus deigned to offer His Divine Immortal Life up for three whole days for you to have the opportunity to be forgiven if you only apologize, and believe in what the Holy Bible says about Jesus (Romans 10:9)! Is that not the greatest treasure anyone could find?!?

Gratitude, my dear friend, begets the happiness you seek! You will stop thinking about your own, trivial questions and curiosities, and want nothing less than to devote the rest of your life serving the King of Kings! You won't find anything else so worth your time! You'll find all the answers you're looking for and more, Jesus promises you that (Matthew 7:7)!

You do have a very fine name - are you of Anglo-Saxon parentage?


I do have one question, dear lady: does the Good News mean I'm allowed to keep Trixie, my superbly crafted and very expensive Any-Three-Ways-You Like "One Hundred Per Cent Safe, Always Ready, and Washable Alternative to Adultery."

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Request for Help

You do have a very fine name - are you of Anglo-Saxon parentage?

My name is of no consequence. In Heaven, Jesus will give me a new one (Revelation 2:17) and I can't wait for the time when my name no longer invokes memories of the young slut who whelped out the Living God (Matthew 1:18)!

I do have one question, dear lady: does the Good News mean I'm allowed to keep Trixie, my superbly crafted and very expensive Any-Three-Ways-You Like "One Hundred Per Cent Safe, Always Ready, and Washable Alternative to Adultery."

The Good News means Trixie will no longer be a concern for you, for carnal meetings will pale in comparison to the treasures in Heaven! Even the most aggressively powerful burst of manliness inside your wife will feel like doing routine chores in comparison to the "high" you'll get knowing the real joy is in filling her womb with more soldiers for Christ! Things like physical pleasure will be naught but a memory, and the real euphoria will come from the anticipation of an eternal life that cannot be measured with words on this side of Heaven!

Oh you will be so profoundly blessed to work for a time when there is no man or woman (Matthew 22:30), and things like physical coupling is no more necessary than food or drink, which will no longer be necessary (Romans 14:17)! These will be but mere blips in your memory, a distraction from enjoying the real joy - Divine Intimacy with Jesus (not in a homo way)!

[Basilissa]

Re: Request for Help

You mean I don't have to wade through all of Leviticus and Numbers (!) and most of Deuteronomy before I get to the bits about God being our loving father who can't wait to have us abiding with him in Heaven for all of eternity?

Sweetie, Numbers and Deuteronomy are where some of the best action is! Don't you just love to hear about all of the babies with their heads being smashed on the rocks and about all the pregnant women with their bellies ripped open?!


Also, that part about God loving everyone, that's not actually in the Bible (He certainly doesn't love these babies and women mentioned before, does He?).

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Re: Request for Help

I'm allowed to skip bits?


Are you sure God won't mind?

Never skip any of the Bible, and learn to memorize all of it. I live out the entire Bible, even if I don't understand exactly why (I'm a woman) but I know it's good for my soul and that's what Jesus wants me to do, which I must do if I am to go to heaven.

[Roast Beef]

Re: Request for Help

My name is of no consequence. In Heaven, Jesus will give me a new one (Revelation 2:17) and I can't wait for the time when my name no longer invokes memories of the young slut who whelped out the Living God (Matthew 1:18)!


The Good News means Trixie will no longer be a concern for you, for carnal meetings will pale in comparison to the treasures in Heaven! Even the most aggressively powerful burst of manliness inside your wife will feel like doing routine chores in comparison to the "high" you'll get knowing the real joy is in filling her womb with more soldiers for Christ! Things like physical pleasure will be naught but a memory, and the real euphoria will come from the anticipation of an eternal life that cannot be measured with words on this side of Heaven!

Oh you will be so profoundly blessed to work for a time when there is no man or woman (Matthew 22:30), and things like physical coupling is no more necessary than food or drink, which will no longer be necessary (Romans 14:17)! These will be but mere blips in your memory, a distraction from enjoying the real joy - Divine Intimacy with Jesus (not in a homo way)!

Things might not be necessary for them to be nice.
I'm starting to get worried now.
How can anything be better than a wedge of ripe Stilton cheese and a draught of Shepherd and Neame Double Stout from England's oldest brewery? Or a wee dram of Bruichladdich from the Western isle of Islay?
I hope I shan't be expected to sing hymns of praise all the time!


(That goat mightn't be so bad after all, I'm thinking...)