[Roast Beef]

Re: Request for Help

Look folks - I'm beginning to despair here of ever getting any useful advice as regards being saved - that is apart from reading a version of the Bible full of Olde Englishe words and spelllings.


So - I'm thinking I should begin with some fundamentals.


For instance, in order to be saved, how should I (or should I not) conduct myself in the bedroom when alone with my wife?

[Didymus Much]

Re: Request for Help

Look folks - I'm beginning to despair here of ever getting any useful advice as regards being saved - that is apart from reading a version of the Bible...

Because that's the only way for a man to be saved, is to know what the Bible says, and obey it 100%:

James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."

Do you really expect the people here to walk you through every last little thing, and then constantly watch you for the rest of your life to keep you from sinning in your ignorance?

...full of Olde Englishe words and spelllings...

The King James 1611 is in Early Modern, not Old, English. Yuge difference.

[Roast Beef]

Re: Request for Help

Do you really expect the people here to walk you through every last little thing, and then constantly watch you for the rest of your life to keep you from sinning in your ignorance?

I thought that is exactly what Christians are supposed to do!
That's why I came to this very-Christian forum.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: Request for Help

I despair of the English education system, I really do! Anyone with the reading-age of a moderately intelligent home-schooled 5-year-old ought to be able to read and understand the Bible. Let us try again.

1. Provide yourself with a notebook and pencil (not too sharp, for safety reasons).

2. Read the Bible, KJV (1611). Read all of it. Start at the beginning and continue until you have reached the end.

3. If, in the course of your reading, you come across something that you do not understand, make a note of it. Use the notebook and pencil mentioned in (1) above. For example, if Proverbs 12:1 is unclear, then note it down.

4. Use the convenient Search function on these forums. There is a very good chance that any question you may have has already been answered.

5. If not, feel free to come back and ask us when you have finished reading.

See you in about a week!

YiC
JL-V

[Roast Beef]

Re: Request for Help

I despair of the English education system, I really do! Anyone with the reading-age of a moderately intelligent home-schooled 5-year-old ought to be able to read and understand the Bible. Let us try again.

1. Provide yourself with a notebook and pencil (not too sharp, for safety reasons).

2. Read the Bible, KJV (1611). Read all of it. Start at the beginning and continue until you have reached the end.

3. If, in the course of your reading, you come across something that you do not understand, make a note of it. Use the notebook and pencil mentioned in (1) above. For example, if Proverbs 12:1 is unclear, then note it down.

4. Use the convenient Search function on these forums. There is a very good chance that any question you may have has already been answered.

5. If not, feel free to come back and ask us when you have finished reading.

See you in about a week!

YiC
JL-V

You are a very kind person,Joanna Lytton-Vasey (that's a lot of name!).


I've just looked at Proverbs 12 (and 13) and almost every verse is a non sequitur, as for instance your recommended example:
"Whoso loveth instruction loveth knowledge: but he that hateth reproof is brutish."


Obviously anyone who "loves" instruction "loves" knowledge! I mean that's just stating the obvious. But what's it got to do with the person who "hateth reproof" being brutish?


I mean - is this supposed to make sense?


It all looks like a stream of conscience to me - and a gibberish stream to boot.


I wonder, kind lady, if your praying for me to enjoy the wisdom of your good self so I might have a better understanding of what's in the Bible would make a difference.


You do believe in the power of prayer, don't you?

[Didymus Much]

Re: Request for Help

I thought that is exactly what Christians are supposed to do!...

And how many of your thoughts have lined up with True Christianity(tm) so far?

[Roast Beef]

Re: Request for Help

And how many of your thoughts have lined up with True Christianity™ so far?

That's just the thing.
Until I decided I needed to become a Believer so as not to go to Hell it wasn't something I'd paid a lot of attention to.


May I inquire, perhaps, as to what sort of thoughts a True Christian has?


(I might know then as to whether I've ever had any).

[euphoric_neckbeard]

Re: Request for Help

I started reading the Bible recently, you should too. Just read it. You must obey every law in the Bible to be a Christian.

As much as I would rather you just stay an atheist, I definitely wouldn't be a Catholic, they try to manipulate God with science so they can cherry pick which laws to follow. Also the Pope thinks atheists can go to heaven, lol.


It really does not matter whether you read the KJB or some other Bible. As long as other bibles don't leave out stories, then they are not different from the KJB and are basically different translations.

[Basilissa]

Re: Request for Help

May I inquire, perhaps, as to what sort of thoughts a True Christian has?

Oh, that's very easy, sweetie.

We True Christians™ think only things that are approved by Jesus. How do we know what is approved by Jesus? Well, that's what the Holy Bible is for. Hence, if a True Christian™ tried this "stream of consciousness" thing, it would contain Biblical passages, although not necessarily in correct order - for example, one might think first of Matthew 10:34 before lovingly remembering Hosea 13:16.

I hope that clarifies your doubts, sweetie.

[Didymus Much]

Re: Request for Help

...May I inquire, perhaps, as to what sort of thoughts a True Christian has?

(I might know then as to whether I've ever had any).

I'm so glad you asked. Here:


1. Provide yourself with a notebook and pencil (not too sharp, for safety reasons).

2. Read the Bible, KJV (1611). Read all of it. Start at the beginning and continue until you have reached the end.

3. If, in the course of your reading, you come across something that you do not understand, make a note of it. Use the notebook and pencil mentioned in (1) above. For example, if Proverbs 12:1 is unclear, then note it down.

4. Use the convenient Search function on these forums. There is a very good chance that any question you may have has already been answered.

5. If not, feel free to come back and ask us when you have finished reading.

And see if it works. See you in about a week! year... maybe...

[Roast Beef]

Re: Request for Help

Hello Didymus.
You don't come across as an atheist so I don't quite know what to make of your advice.


I think I shall proceed as though you are a proper True Believer like the kind lady in a head scarf with a lot name (which I can't remember - it's the Alzheimer's, you know).


Since writing that first paragraph in this message (about an hour ago - I take a while getting my thoughts together) I thought I should mention my difficulty with the Water mentioned at the start of Genesis.
According to God's Holy Word he was swimming around in it - or floating around on it - when he decided to make some dry land beneath a sort of canopy with the Heavenly Bodies in it.


My difficulty is: where's that water now?


I realise that if I can't believe it's there I'm doomed to go to hell (and meet that hellish goat again, no doubt...) and I have tried to.
I tried so hard that my wife pleaded with me to stop because my face had gone purple and she said my eyes looked as though they were going to pop right out of my head.


She made me lie down and have a cool drink.


So now I'm thinking "hypnotherapy".


Would that be a good idea? - I mean I could get this hypnotherapist who advertises locally to put me in a trance and whisper "You believe in all that water. You believe! You believe!".


I know hypnotherapy can stop people smoking and wetting their beds. I know because it stopped me (I was five at the time, and my parents were in despair).


What do you think, dear Friend.


(Is it OK if I consider you a friend, despite those warnings which accompany all your messages?)

[Roast Beef]

Re: Request for Help

Oh, that's very easy, sweetie.

We True Christians™ think only things that are approved by Jesus. How do we know what is approved by Jesus? Well, that's what the Holy Bible is for. Hence, if a True Christian™ tried this "stream of consciousness" thing, it would contain Biblical passages, although not necessarily in correct order - for example, one might think first of Matthew 10:34 before lovingly remembering Hosea 13:16.

I hope that clarifies your doubts, sweetie.

Hello Basilissa. I'm wondering if Jesus wants his True Christians to keep an assault rifle and several 1000 rounds handy.
If so that's going to be a prob for me over here in the UK where attempting to purchase such items might very well attract the attention of the Police, the Anti-Terrorist wing of the state Security Services. not to mention Mrs Archibald Grimstone, my octogenarian neighbour and one-time murderess (as people say) who inspects every delivery made to my house because she bribes the postman with offers of sexual delights.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: Request for Help

My difficulty is: where's that water now?

In case you hadn't noticed, there's still quite a lot of sea. But leaving that aside, we have:

Steam - including humidity (coming from England, you would know about that.)

Clouds (ditto).

Ice caps, glaciers etc (maybe not so familiar to you, but our missions to the northern lands have witnessed such things).

And quite a lot of it has been drunk (something the Godless English definitely know all about).

This is not a definitive list, dear, it's just what comes to mind immediately.

The idea, though, is that you should read the entire Bible before starting with the questions. That's what the notebook and pencil were for, remember? My late step-grandmother-in-law was demented, like you. She came to a sad end. It would doubtless have been even sadder, had she not been Saved. Do at least make the effort, won't you?

YiC
JL-V

[Alvin Moss]

Re: Request for Help

I am English, an atheist and an evolutionist.Last night I dreamed I died and went to Hell which was so awful
that I immediately realised I need to seek Redemption and save my soul from eternal damnation.
I am hoping that someone here might be able to guide me on the path to being saved.

Welcome then, Mr. Beef. Though this is a Christian site and you are a self declared atheist, you are welcome to come to this site in search of Jesus. As, an Englishman, you should have a healthy fear of Hell. It is very much like England and I doubt if any Englishman wants to endure an eternity of that. The path to salvation is narrow and sometimes difficult, but the result is that you get to go to Heaven, which is much like Texas, but maybe not so hot. The first step is to obtain a King James Version of the Holy Bible, which is God's word and His instructions. Read it and you will be well on the way to everlasting life with Jesus.

God Bless!

[Roast Beef]

Re: Request for Help

Welcome then, Mr. Beef. Though this is a Christian site and you are a self declared atheist, you are welcome to come to this site in search of Jesus. As, an Englishman, you should have a healthy fear of Hell. It is very much like England and I doubt if any Englishman wants to endure an eternity of that. The path to salvation is narrow and sometimes difficult, but the result is that you get to go to Heaven, which is much like Texas, but maybe not so hot. The first step is to obtain a King James Version of the Holy Bible, which is God's word and His instructions. Read it and you will be well on the way to everlasting life with Jesus.

God Bless!

Thank you Mr Moss for your kindly reply.
Looking through my cellar I find I have that very version, dated 1866 and given to a great uncle of mine by his Godmother Unfortunately something being gnawing at it and when I flipped its brass clasp and opened it up, the pages fell out.
I at once gathered up those which were still legible and have assembled them in some sort of order, and in doing so, my eye fell upon this passage:
"And these are they which ye shall have in abomination among the fowls; they shall not be eaten, they are an abomination: the eagle, and the ossifrage, and the ospray,
And the vulture, and the kite after his kind;
Every raven after his kind;
And the owl, and the night hawk, and the cuckow, and the hawk after his kind,
And the little owl, and the cormorant, and the great owl,
And the swan, and the pelican, and the gier eagle,
And the stork, the heron after her kind, and the lapwing, and the bat.
All fowls that creep, going upon all four, shall be an abomination unto you."
And having read it, I thought "Ay-oop" (which is what we say in Yorkshire, where I live), "what's a bat doing in that list? And how many sorts of fowl go on all fours?"


I suppose being Holy Scripture it is supposed to be mysterious, but that's going a bit far, don't you think?
Also, am I take it that if I persist in eating little owls as a between-meals snack, I've no chance of going to heaven and living in the Lord's blessed company for every more?