[MuffinMan]

Re: My Introduction

You didn't find all the commandments which are there helpful? Maybe you need to sit down and read again. Here is an excellent cheat sheet by Brother Cranky, containing the must-read list where you should start.

Actually, I did find every commandment to be very helpful. But is finding the commandments helpful the same as finding Jesus? I just want to make sure I get saved.

[Basilissa]

Re: My Introduction

Actually, I did find every commandment to be very helpful. But is finding the commandments helpful the same as finding Jesus? I just want to make sure I get saved.

It seems to me that there may be a language barrier (or some intellectual shortcoming on your part) which hinders our mutual understanding.

Lemme explain this to you, slowly. When we ask "how you came to find Jesus," we are not asking about you actually meeting a human or human-like being named Jesus. That would be logistically difficult as Jesus walked this Earth 2000 years ago and hasn't been back since. He'll be back though, because He promised, and He keeps His promises (just like Donald). You also need to learn to discern between Jesus, who is God and also the Son of God at the same time, and between Mexicans named Jesús (pronounced Heh-SOOS). You can find plenty of these in the southern states of the USA.

However, in Proper American, "finding Jesus" has another, metaphorical meaning. I know, you do have trouble understanding parables and such, but please, bear with me. In this metaphorical meaning, "finding Jesus" means, accepting Jesus as your Savior, repenting for all of your horrible sins, and following all of His commandments.

I hope this helps. I will pray for your soul.

[MuffinMan]

Re: My Introduction

It seems to me that there may be a language barrier (or some intellectual shortcoming on your part) which hinders our mutual understanding.

Lemme explain this to you, slowly. When we ask "how you came to find Jesus," we are not asking about you actually meeting a human or human-like being named Jesus. That would be logistically difficult as Jesus walked this Earth 2000 years ago and hasn't been back since. He'll be back though, because He promised, and He keeps His promises (just like Donald). You also need to learn to discern between Jesus, who is God and also the Son of God at the same time, and between Mexicans named Jesús (pronounced Heh-SOOS). You can find plenty of these in the southern states of the USA.

However, in Proper American, "finding Jesus" has another, metaphorical meaning. I know, you do have trouble understanding parables and such, but please, bear with me. In this metaphorical meaning, "finding Jesus" means, accepting Jesus as your Savior, repenting for all of your horrible sins, and following all of His commandments.

I hope this helps. I will pray for your soul.

All right then. I accept Jesus as my Savior, repent for all of my horrible sins, and, starting now, will follow each and every one of his commandments.


Am I saved yet?

[Basilissa]

Re: My Introduction

All right then. I accept Jesus as my Savior, repent for all of my horrible sins, and, starting now, will follow each and every one of his commandments.

Am I saved yet?

Saying it is one thing, doing it is another. Which you would already know if you had read the whole Bible, twice.

Matthew 7:21-23
21 Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.
22 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?
23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.

[MuffinMan]

Re: My Introduction

Saying it is one thing, doing it is another. Which you would already know if you had read the whole Bible, twice.

Matthew 7:21-23
21 Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.
22 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?
23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.

From now on, I will do the will of our Father which is in heaven.


Am I saved yet?

[Basilissa]

Re: My Introduction

From now on, I will do the will of our Father which is in heaven.

Am I saved yet?

I have no idea, dear. I know something about computers, but not enough to track you down, hack the camera on your computer, and spy on you to see whether you really are following all God's Commandments all the time.

I hope that was helpful.

[MuffinMan]

Re: My Introduction

I have no idea, dear. I know something about computers, but not enough to track you down, hack the camera on your computer, and spy on you to see whether you really are following all God's Commandments all the time.

I hope that was helpful.

I think I am saved.


My next question is: What is the process to join Landover Baptist Church?


I really wish that tomorrow would be the last Sunday that I don't go to any church.


But then again, I don't even know where to find Freehold on a map.


What should I do?

[Basilissa]

Re: My Introduction

I think I am saved.

My next question is: What is the process to join Landover Baptist Church?

I really wish that tomorrow would be the last Sunday that I don't go to any church.

My dear, your enthusiasm is fantastic, but if we admitted into our community anyone who asks... well, we wouldn't need a wall, would we?

Anyhow. Please be reassured that our Department of Faith is conducting a thorough background check, and your dossier will be reviewed in due time. I highly recommend finding a Bible-obeying church in your area, as "due time" could be a while.

In the meantime, why don't you spread Jesus' love by posting in other threads on this forum? For now you cannot create new threads outside of the Introduction Forum, but you are free to post wherever your heart desires. Please remember to cite the Bible often and thoughtfully.

[MuffinMan]

Re: My Introduction

My dear, your enthusiasm is fantastic, but if we admitted into our community anyone who asks... well, we wouldn't need a wall, would we?

Anyhow. Please be reassured that our Department of Faith is conducting a thorough background check, and your dossier will be reviewed in due time. I highly recommend finding a Bible-obeying church in your area, as "due time" could be a while.

In the meantime, why don't you spread Jesus' love by posting in other threads on this forum? For now you cannot create new threads outside of the Introduction Forum, but you are free to post wherever your heart desires. Please remember to cite the Bible often and thoughtfully.

I can assure you that there are no Bible-obeying churches in my area.


I can also assure you that I will cite the Bible often and thoughtfully when spreading Jesus' love by posting in other threads on this forum.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: My Introduction

I can assure you that there are no Bible-obeying churches in my area.

Oh my goodness, wherever are you - Pakistan?

[MuffinMan]

Re: My Introduction

Oh my goodness, wherever are you - Pakistan?

No. I'm still in Iowa.


Every church I have come across here in Iowa that claims to be "Bible-obeying" either 1) Uses a Bible other than the King James Version or 2) Uses the King James Version but does not actually obey it in practice.


I have been reading about the Landover Baptist Church though and I honestly must say that it is the one and only church in the world, as far as I am aware, that actually obeys the King James Bible in practice.


This is why I pray that I will, in due time, be allowed to join the one true Landover Baptist Church.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: Do you know the MuffinMan? Do you know why he looks at buns so intently?

Well, I can't fault your optimism. In the meantime, though, I'd suggest you check out kjvchurches.com. Oh, and maybe get some more sleep? It's 4 o'clock in the morning in Iowa.

[Basilissa]

Re: Do you know the MuffinMan? Do you know why he looks at buns so intently?

I can also assure you that I will cite the Bible often and thoughtfully when spreading Jesus' love by posting in other threads on this forum.

I understand now that God has given you rather limited intellectual abilities, so here's a hint: look right under the banner on the top of this page. There are some words there, white font on dark background - see them? Each of these words is something called a "link." It's too complicated for you to understand, but just trust me when I say to you, that when you click (or tap depending on whether you're on a computer/tablet/phone) on these words, each word will take you to a new webpage! Isn't that marvelous?

Now, please try to stay focused, and find the words "New Posts" in that line. Got it? I hope so! Now, before you click on it and lose sight of my helpful instructions, try to remember this: the webpage you will see there will show posts on the forum that you have not read yet, and which wait for your replies with the same longing desperation as I do.

No. I'm still in Iowa.

Every church I have come across here in Iowa that claims to be "Bible-obeying" either 1) Uses a Bible other than the King James Version or 2) Uses the King James Version but does not actually obey it in practice.

Here's the solution: wander off from the city in any direction. While Iowa City does contain a little liberal bubble due to the regretful influence of the University of Iowa, let me reassure you that rural areas are filled with KJV Bible obeying, Trump voting, anti-vaccine, global warming hoax denying, Young (and flat) Earth believing, white male superiority affirming, Godly White Christians.


Oh, and you can click now.

[Dennis Lukes]

Re: Do you know the MuffinMan? Do you know why he looks at buns so intently?

And for the love of God, stay away from Iowa City. I went there once and thought I'd stumbled into a gay pride festival in Hong Kong. You can't throw a rock without hitting an SJW college student, a tranny, a chink, a negro, or some homeless bum, and then you'd get charged with a hate crime.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: Do you know the MuffinMan? Do you know why he looks at buns so intently?

You should perhaps have added a !!!!!WARNING!!!!!! Sister Bas. Not all these other threads will be solely devoted to you, MuppetMan. In fact, at this time NOT A SINGLE ONE OF THEM so much as even MENTIONS you. But try to look on it as a lesson in life: not everyone is interested in your problems, most of which appear to be of your own making.

Good luck, dear, and remember Deuteronomy 31:6. Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.