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Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ, except for any witches, homosexuals, Democrats, or public employees who may be reading this.
I'm just a sinner saved by His grace, supplicating y'all for membership. Here's my testimony, praise Him!
In the 70s, I was a stoner and a partyer. I hung out at punk rock concerts, drank tequila until dawn, smoked more weed than that degenerate pervert Bill Maher, and did the Nasty Thing with every club girl who wasn't flatlining from too much Quaalude. Or at least I would have. My nasty, sinful thoughts were bad enough to darn me to heck! I committed witchcraft and fornication in my heart, and God was not pleased.
I was an addict, but Praise the Lord, then I got hooked on Jesus! I found Him miraculously when I wandered into a revival meeting thinking it was community college registration. Instead of sinful book learning, I received the saving grace of God and a free buzz cut, courtesy of Calvary Chapel.
Of course, the Devil has tried to rob me of my joy. Living here in godless, Communist California, I constantly have liberalism, scantily clad young women, and people who aren't white in the image of Jesus thrown in my face. For many years, I was celibate because my weaselly unsaved parents refused to find me a wife. Thank God for Pastor Bull Harbison of my megafellowship, The 909 Full Gospel Faith Walk Christian Center. Pastor Bull gave me Pudens Ann, an obedient Proverbs 31 woman. Why she's so submissive, I only need to use the paddle once or twice a week, just to remind her. And Jesus has blessed me with a full quiver of mighty arrows for Him: Maranatha, Mephibosheth, Hosanna, Hallelujah, the twins Tamar and Tubal-cain, and little George W.
Blessings be upon all who toe His line! I look forward to the blessing of many edifying discussions of Grace, Peace, and God's judgement on Liberal scum.
I'm just a sinner saved by His grace, supplicating y'all for membership. Here's my testimony, praise Him!
In the 70s, I was a stoner and a partyer. I hung out at punk rock concerts, drank tequila until dawn, smoked more weed than that degenerate pervert Bill Maher, and did the Nasty Thing with every club girl who wasn't flatlining from too much Quaalude. Or at least I would have. My nasty, sinful thoughts were bad enough to darn me to heck! I committed witchcraft and fornication in my heart, and God was not pleased.
I was an addict, but Praise the Lord, then I got hooked on Jesus! I found Him miraculously when I wandered into a revival meeting thinking it was community college registration. Instead of sinful book learning, I received the saving grace of God and a free buzz cut, courtesy of Calvary Chapel.
Of course, the Devil has tried to rob me of my joy. Living here in godless, Communist California, I constantly have liberalism, scantily clad young women, and people who aren't white in the image of Jesus thrown in my face. For many years, I was celibate because my weaselly unsaved parents refused to find me a wife. Thank God for Pastor Bull Harbison of my megafellowship, The 909 Full Gospel Faith Walk Christian Center. Pastor Bull gave me Pudens Ann, an obedient Proverbs 31 woman. Why she's so submissive, I only need to use the paddle once or twice a week, just to remind her. And Jesus has blessed me with a full quiver of mighty arrows for Him: Maranatha, Mephibosheth, Hosanna, Hallelujah, the twins Tamar and Tubal-cain, and little George W.
Blessings be upon all who toe His line! I look forward to the blessing of many edifying discussions of Grace, Peace, and God's judgement on Liberal scum.
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