Make the Yuletide Gay with Santa! The Bestestest Gifts of 2025!

[Santa Claus]

Ho ho ho! Once again, my 11-month vacation (Milan, Singapore, Addis Abeba, Tristan da Cunha, Birmingham, Montevideo, Oslo, etc. etc., great time!) is over. AND. 'Tis time, 'tis time! Let's all be merry and gay in anticipation of Christmas day! These are dismal times, dictators are taking over, people are discarding plastics on tropical beaches instead of making them into genuine replicas for consumerism, and my North Pole abode is really suffering from the climate change with many caverns nearing collapse. The more reason to celebrate the bestestest supernatural being of all times, ME!

As always, I deliver based on your naughty vs. nice balance. Usually, for you naughty 'uns, I'd deliver coal or tar, sometimes in a metaphorical sense, as always. For instance, Donnie the Trump is going to have a surprise this year, but more about that later.

A not-so-gently reminder: I do NOT deliver people (romantic partners, slaves or other employees), I do not deliver world peace but nor does Jesus or Donald the Tramp, as we can deduce based on this year's debacles. And the previous and the one before that etc. etc. etc. ... Nor do I deliver abstractions, such as falling in love or revivals or love potions, unless approved by FDA or your local equivalent. I do not deliver hovercrafts with eels, they are too messy and Rudolph might slip. Plastic toys are a sure hit and highly recommended.

Another reminder. Yes! There IS evidence. Of ME! Billions of people have seen me and - more importantly - have seen me deliver! When did JHC last deliver the mountain he promised to move? I'm only asking, as I've been everywhere and haven't really seen a mountain move, have you?!

This year, the gifts are going to me even more personal than ever. I'll be delivering to each according to their ability, to each according to their needs. Me elfs've been busy observing you. As a token of my undying love you'll also receive nice virtual postcards from yours truly based on my adventures over the centuries. So ask and you shall receive. Jesus did. This is a memento of his formative years more than two millennia ago. AND. I. AM. STILL. GOING. STRONG! Ho ho ho.

[handmaiden]

Santa, your job is going to be taken over by the evils of AI. . . Mainly because it is more evil and unreal than you.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Hi Santa--I'm glad you will be providing a sleigh-load of gifts for us in Freehold as you always do. I see the elves in your PR department made up a nice picture to send out with your disclaimer letter. There are parts of it I like but maybe you could pass along a suggestion to your people. I like the crosses with whomever wearing Santa hats. It sends the message that the crucifixion was not all doom and gloom like the Catholics portray it. In telling the story we need to remind people Jesus was up and about in three days.

My suggestion is about the model they put up for the woman. I assume she is your trophy wife, has a halo, etc. I'm confident your actual wife is a blond and it would be better to make this model a blond also. Just a suggestion.

Oh, one other thing. Those Muslim-like men lined up posing as fans of yours, I'd like to see some wearing MAGA hats. A few should be bill-in-the-back.

[Romeo Rovagnati]

Dear St. Nick,

I dont want a lot of presents, i just want more people to discover the Christian truth. Oh, and also i need some help in finding the Disney's W.I:T.C.H. comics in order to prevent little girls to be lured to the Wiccan cult.



Thanks and keep up the good work. And if you see the Befana, say hi to her from me.

[Santa Claus]

Santa, your job is going to be taken over by the evils of AI. . . Mainly because it is more evil and unreal than you.

Ho, ho, ho. It's Handy-Lass! I appreciate your concern but, at the same time, wish you continued with your education, as an ai is not at all unreal, it's just the common name for the pale-throated sloth - and I don't mid at all if they contribute to this very rewarding but quite demanding Christmas mess. Aren't they cute?



But no, you won't be getting a pet ai. They do not thrive in captivity unlike most Jesus followers. Perhaps a Handy product for cleansing your prejudices would do!



Here'a a nice picture for your mantlepiece. It depicts me about 150 years ago in NY city, one of the few remaining places where people cherish freedom and goodwill. No coal for 'em this christmas!

[Santa Claus]

Hi Santa--I'm glad you will be providing a sleigh-load of gifts for us in Freehold as you always do. I see the elves in your PR department made up a nice picture to send out with your disclaimer letter. There are parts of it I like but maybe you could pass along a suggestion to your people. I like the crosses with whomever wearing Santa hats. It sends the message that the crucifixion was not all doom and gloom like the Catholics portray it. In telling the story we need to remind people Jesus was up and about in three days.

My suggestion is about the model they put up for the woman. I assume she is your trophy wife, has a halo, etc. I'm confident your actual wife is a blond and it would be better to make this model a blond also. Just a suggestion.

Oh, one other thing. Those Muslim-like men lined up posing as fans of yours, I'd like to see some wearing MAGA hats. A few should be bill-in-the-back.

Joe You're a young man and full of ideas. You should learn to listen to your elders, that is, me, for instance. Christmas is not about advice, its about merriment and gaiety and giving gifts without any ulterior motives. And here's one for you! The Leslie Nielsen DVD collection! Now you can have something useful, fun and gay to do over Christmas.



And look at this! A nice painting just for you! A nice postcard of Christmases past, the simple, happy time, when people were joyful and gay and satisfied with the company of their loved ones, just as I enjoy the company of Rudolf after all these years!

[Santa Claus]

Dear St. Nick,

I dont want a lot of presents, i just want more people to discover the Christian truth. Oh, and also i need some help in finding the Disney's W.I:T.C.H. comics in order to prevent little girls to be lured to the Wiccan cult.



Thanks and keep up the good work. And if you see the Befana, say hi to her from me.

Romeo! At least you still have the innocent mind of a child at least based on the Elf Report telling me how you like to entertain 10-11-yo boys in your chambers and play with them. 'Tis time you grew up, however. No more comics. This is a more suitable gift for you!


And to remind you of the REAL supernatural. Here's a picture from the Vatican library, the hiddenmost archives. A painting by one of the Jesuits (17th century) admitting what the Holy Seed is still too shy to admit.... Ho ho ho!

[Q.Ponce Frottage]

Gee whiz Santa, is it going to be an ICE-y Christmas? The greatest gift of all is Keeping America Great, you know!

[Santa Claus]

Gee whiz Santa, is it going to be an ICE-y Christmas? The greatest gift of all is Keeping America Great, you know!

Gee whiz Ponce boy! I knew your much more talented and famous relative, the Mexican composer Manuel Ponce very well (he enjoyed his cigars and tequila, great times). Please be aware that at my age I'm quite famiiar with the urban dictionary - and I also know that despite your boasting, you've been a nice boy, especially regarding intimate acts . Here's a tailored product just for YOU! Ho ho ho!


Please be informed that the jar is made of most genuine plastics and that the "miracle" does not mean that everything will sort out with you. That would take more than a miracle !

This winter, I'm also using alternative transportation. This is an image from a few years back when I visited my good friend Lizzie the 2nd with my moose mounties! Great times.

[WWJDnow]

I could use a new filing cabinet. I keep detailed files on the sins all of my neighbors commit, and my file cabinet is nearly full.

I already asked Jesus for this, so you might want to coordinate with Him.

Thanks!

[Santa Claus]

I could use a new filing cabinet. I keep detailed files on the sins all of my neighbors commit, and my file cabinet is nearly full.

I already asked Jesus for this, so you might want to coordinate with Him.

Thanks!

Of course, baby boy! I am very proficient with filing cabinets, having more than 117,000 years of files of niceties and naughtiness has taught us at the NP to GO FREAKING DIGITAL! Baby boy, I'm sending you one cabinet that fits the chimney to give you some time to accomodate and to GO DIGITAL.



In other news, you need to start caring about others and quit stalking. How to do that? No problemo, Santa has the answer. You can expect the delivery of not one, not two, but THREE baby toucans!



Aren't they adorable!? They'll grow up to be wonderful pets - albeit impossible to potty train. But they'll give you something to love and cherish instead of disapproving of (and there's the bonus preposition at the end of this sentence). Once you give them bellyrubs and nice fruit, they'll be your faithful companions for decades, which is much more than I can say of many members of the Homo sapiens species. I just love toucans. Here's a nice picture of me in the Andes a couple of years ago delivering fresh durian to these adorable avian allies!

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Santa, I want an interesting book to read. The Internet has become boring. I need something with real substance not another crock of honeyed AI slop.

[Basilissa]

All I want for Christmas is the best detox therapy to get rid of all these heavy metals. Is colloidal silver still a thing? Then I want that, too, and also a session of phantom surgery to heal my aura.

All of these are so much better than vaccines, exercise, and eating healthy.

[Santa Claus]

Santa, I want an interesting book to read. The Internet has become boring. I need something with real substance not another crock of honeyed AI slop.

Tony! Finally! A reasonably, humble and exciting request! Take notem ye others! Of course I'll deliver. These are also my favorites and you and your little friends will have hours and hours of fun doing your own research while exploring the data within these bestsellers!







I've read all those multiple times and Me Elfs had me take a pop quiz with multiple choice questions that I passed with dazzling grades. Obviously, I would never ever have been able to fill the Maracanã Stadium (Estádio Jornalista Mário Filho) in Rio had I not been intimately acquainted with their favorite bananabeak (this was really a nice request Tiny-Tony, my baby boy).

[Santa Claus]

All I want for Christmas is the best detox therapy to get rid of all these heavy metals. Is colloidal silver still a thing? Then I want that, too, and also a session of phantom surgery to heal my aura.

All of these are so much better than vaccines, exercise, and eating healthy.

'Lissa! Darling girl! There's more to detox than substances, and you're right that you need to cleanse your mind from debris. I have just the thing for you, no! Two thingies!






But you've been quite nice, so I'll humor you with some phantom therapy! Aren't I jolly nice, too! Ho ho ho!



Have you ever attended the Día de muertos? I have, great food, lots of pretty flowers! Highly recommended!