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From the Desk of
MISTRESS COOKIE
Chairlady of Freehold Elections
MISTRESS COOKIE
Chairlady of Freehold Elections
RE: New and Improved FREEHOLD GUIDELINES FOR MAYORAL ELECTIONS
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Hear Ye, Hear Ye.
Comes Now CHAIRLADY OF FREEHOLD ELECTIONS on this 1st Day of March in the Year 2010 of OUR LORD, to Proclaim to All and Sundry: The Town Council is Now Accepting Canditutorial Applications for ELECTION OF MAYOR.
As many know, there has been recent contention as to what electoral municipal guidelines have been in the past, as our late and beloved Mayor Mitch Mitchell, May God™ Rest His Soul, held office for so many years, and without opposition.
However, all available records of former Election Chairladies/Registrars Phyllis Collins and Rosemary Woods having been duly sworn and studied; the Town Library having been duly sworn and studied; and our Male Elders who recall previous elections having been duly sworn and studied; the election guidelines are now presented thus:
The City of Freehold will hold its General Municipal Election to elect one (1) Mayor who will serve a four (4) year term on Wednesday, March 17, 2010.
The polls will be open from 11 a.m. to 12 p.m. on said day.
Eligible voters may request vote-by-mail ballots. The deadline to register to vote for this election was Monday, March 18, 2009. You may not now register by completing a registration-by-mail form.
CANDIDACY REQUIREMENTS:
Candidates must be of at least twenty-one (21) years in age, American Citizens of three (3) generations, and residents of Freehold in good standing. Additionally, candidates require at least two (2) letters of moral recommendation from fellow Freehold residents in good standing, to be Publicly Noticed. All property owners that meet above criteria are eligible for candidacy. Renters in the Freehold area are eligible for candidacy should they have rented the same abode, or same unit at the same address, for a minimum of three (3) years. Candidates must be no shorter than six (6) feet in height (6'), and no taller than seven (7) feet in height (7').
The maimed, the cleft-palleted, the sterile, the acneed, the left-handed, the paralyzed/humpbacked via spinal injury, the pigeon-toed, the boxer, and the blind or eyeglass-wearer need not apply. (Leviticus:21, 18-20, For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous, Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded, Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken…)
All candidates must engage a duly authorized Freehold doctor for a physical exam, to confirm freedom from markings, tattoos, piercings, and cuttings. (Leviticus 19:28 Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh…nor print any marks upon you) Candidates must be free of all manner of STDs, including the homosexual-driven AID. (2 Chronicles 21:18 And after all this the LORD smote him in his bowels with an incurable disease.) Test will include a rectal exam to ensure virginity is still intact. (1 Kings 14:24 And there were also sodomites in the land: and they did according to all the abominations of the nations...)
Campaign Schedule as Follows:
Candidates' Statements of Purpose including priorities (100 word minimum) must be submitted in writing to the Freehold Truth and Light newspaper. Publication of such constitutes official entry in the race.
A debate including all viable and vetted candidates will be held on a Date To Be Announced. Attendance is mandatory for all candidates. Failure to appear will constitute forfeiture of candidacy.
Furthermore, be it understood that each candidate is to host a meet-and-greet BBQ within the Freehold vacinity and with no less than five (5) days’ public notice, so that Freehold Residents, City Officials and Contesting Physicians may examine and question candidates in person.
If you require additional information regarding Freehold’s upcoming General Municipal Election, please contact Mistress Cookie. May God™ be with you.
Please Note: The Chairlady of Freehold Elections serves at the pleasure of the Town Council, who may adapt these municipal codes at any time via majority vote. Watch this space for updates.
- before I would announce my own candidacy.
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