Tweet
Orville Redenbacher: Evil Incarnate
Orville Redenbacher was a degenerate, villain, and monster. Perhaps you're thinking, "But all Orville Redenbacher did was sell popcorn." Precisely.
Popcorn is the kind of food that demands to be shared. If two or more people reach for a handful at the same time, skin-on-skin friction transpires. The butter acts as a lubricant, and passions are heightened. Soon finger-sucking and lip-licking enter the picture, and then fornication is inevitable. Orville Redenbacher was fully aware of the carnal nature of popcorn. Working for his master, Satan, he pimped popcorn on unsuspecting Americans for decades, dooming millions upon millions to hell. His obscene popcorn is still being churned out by ConAgra Foods.
Three little ones share a snack before engaging in a wild, popcorn-fueled three-way.
In movie theaters, where popcorn is a staple, impromptu orgies frequently break out. That's why the floors are sticky. The fact that everyone's wearing those 3-D glasses nowadays makes it all the more distasteful and offensive. I tried to see Passion of the Christ back in 2004, but unfortunately the passion was off-screen. I spied two teenagers with a tub of popcorn making out. I had the sense to get out of there with my tallywacker intact.
An overtly-sexual popcorn poster.
Orville Redenbacher wore horn-rimmed glasses--"horn" because he was a Satanist, and "rim" because he was a pervert. Additionally, he was famous for wearing a bow tie. Bow ties are also strongly identified with Karl Marx, Louis Farrakhan, and Pee-wee Herman. Pee-wee Herman. That's not the kind of company a decent, God-fearing man keeps.
While conducting research here on this despicable man, I observed that his birthplace is "Brazil, Indiana." Well, which is it? Clearly his biographers are trying to spread confusion and disinformation about Redenbacher. It's a cover-up of monumental proportions. I also noted the manner in which he died--drowning in a whirlpool bathtub. Jacuzzis and copulation go together like peanut butter and jelly, so there's little doubt about what Mr. Redenbacher was doing at the time of his demise. Considering his depravity, I wouldn't be surprised if it actually involved peanut butter and jelly. And, of course, popcorn.
Orville Redenbacher's popcorn now comes in erotic flavors like "caramel" and "spicy nacho." I shudder to contemplate the disgusting, Latino-styled sexual congress elicited by a bowl of spicy nacho popcorn.
I am spearheading an angry letter-writing campaign to get all popcorn off the market, starting with Orville Redenbacher's. I need your prayers, friends. May God have mercy on us all if I fail.
Popcorn is the kind of food that demands to be shared. If two or more people reach for a handful at the same time, skin-on-skin friction transpires. The butter acts as a lubricant, and passions are heightened. Soon finger-sucking and lip-licking enter the picture, and then fornication is inevitable. Orville Redenbacher was fully aware of the carnal nature of popcorn. Working for his master, Satan, he pimped popcorn on unsuspecting Americans for decades, dooming millions upon millions to hell. His obscene popcorn is still being churned out by ConAgra Foods.
Three little ones share a snack before engaging in a wild, popcorn-fueled three-way.
In movie theaters, where popcorn is a staple, impromptu orgies frequently break out. That's why the floors are sticky. The fact that everyone's wearing those 3-D glasses nowadays makes it all the more distasteful and offensive. I tried to see Passion of the Christ back in 2004, but unfortunately the passion was off-screen. I spied two teenagers with a tub of popcorn making out. I had the sense to get out of there with my tallywacker intact.
An overtly-sexual popcorn poster.
Orville Redenbacher wore horn-rimmed glasses--"horn" because he was a Satanist, and "rim" because he was a pervert. Additionally, he was famous for wearing a bow tie. Bow ties are also strongly identified with Karl Marx, Louis Farrakhan, and Pee-wee Herman. Pee-wee Herman. That's not the kind of company a decent, God-fearing man keeps.
While conducting research here on this despicable man, I observed that his birthplace is "Brazil, Indiana." Well, which is it? Clearly his biographers are trying to spread confusion and disinformation about Redenbacher. It's a cover-up of monumental proportions. I also noted the manner in which he died--drowning in a whirlpool bathtub. Jacuzzis and copulation go together like peanut butter and jelly, so there's little doubt about what Mr. Redenbacher was doing at the time of his demise. Considering his depravity, I wouldn't be surprised if it actually involved peanut butter and jelly. And, of course, popcorn.
Orville Redenbacher's popcorn now comes in erotic flavors like "caramel" and "spicy nacho." I shudder to contemplate the disgusting, Latino-styled sexual congress elicited by a bowl of spicy nacho popcorn.
I am spearheading an angry letter-writing campaign to get all popcorn off the market, starting with Orville Redenbacher's. I need your prayers, friends. May God have mercy on us all if I fail.
Comment