[Old Man Hatchet]

Orville Redenbacher was a degenerate, villain, and monster. Perhaps you're thinking, "But all Orville Redenbacher did was sell popcorn." Precisely.



Popcorn is the kind of food that demands to be shared. If two or more people reach for a handful at the same time, skin-on-skin friction transpires. The butter acts as a lubricant, and passions are heightened. Soon finger-sucking and lip-licking enter the picture, and then fornication is inevitable. Orville Redenbacher was fully aware of the carnal nature of popcorn. Working for his master, Satan, he pimped popcorn on unsuspecting Americans for decades, dooming millions upon millions to hell. His obscene popcorn is still being churned out by ConAgra Foods.


Three little ones share a snack before engaging in a wild, popcorn-fueled three-way.

In movie theaters, where popcorn is a staple, impromptu orgies frequently break out. That's why the floors are sticky. The fact that everyone's wearing those 3-D glasses nowadays makes it all the more distasteful and offensive. I tried to see Passion of the Christ back in 2004, but unfortunately the passion was off-screen. I spied two teenagers with a tub of popcorn making out. I had the sense to get out of there with my tallywacker intact.


An overtly-sexual popcorn poster.

Orville Redenbacher wore horn-rimmed glasses--"horn" because he was a Satanist, and "rim" because he was a pervert. Additionally, he was famous for wearing a bow tie. Bow ties are also strongly identified with Karl Marx, Louis Farrakhan, and Pee-wee Herman. Pee-wee Herman. That's not the kind of company a decent, God-fearing man keeps.

While conducting research here on this despicable man, I observed that his birthplace is "Brazil, Indiana." Well, which is it? Clearly his biographers are trying to spread confusion and disinformation about Redenbacher. It's a cover-up of monumental proportions. I also noted the manner in which he died--drowning in a whirlpool bathtub. Jacuzzis and copulation go together like peanut butter and jelly, so there's little doubt about what Mr. Redenbacher was doing at the time of his demise. Considering his depravity, I wouldn't be surprised if it actually involved peanut butter and jelly. And, of course, popcorn.

Orville Redenbacher's popcorn now comes in erotic flavors like "caramel" and "spicy nacho." I shudder to contemplate the disgusting, Latino-styled sexual congress elicited by a bowl of spicy nacho popcorn.



I am spearheading an angry letter-writing campaign to get all popcorn off the market, starting with Orville Redenbacher's. I need your prayers, friends. May God have mercy on us all if I fail.

[Old Man Hatchet]

Orville Redenbacher was not alone in his diabolical scheme to turn America into a Ron Jeremy film. He was joined by Colonel Sanders and Chef Boyardee. Together they formed a triumvirate of unparalleled evil. Ever since they began pushing their insidious products down our throats, American morals and values have greatly declined.



KFC chicken, like popcorn, is greasy and served in a large, open container for sharing. Worse still, there is an unholy union of the two in the form of popcorn chicken.



Chef Boyardee brought Italian food to the masses. Italian cuisine is dangerous. It contains strange herbs and is extremely spicy. Large sausages are not uncommon. Italian food can cause homosexuality, prostitution, breastfeeding, worshiping of the Virgin Mary, bestiality, teen pregnancy, pedophilia, back hair, organized crime, and the urge to dress monkeys up in silly outfits.

[Old Man Hatchet]

I've never understood why people buy food with Redenbacher, Sanders, or Boyardee on the packaging. You can just tell by looking at them that they are dirty, old perverts. I, on the other hand, would make a great spokesperson for the right product:



You can see the affability and gentleness in my face. You can't fake that.

[Bobby-Joe]

Originally Posted by Old Man Hatchet

I've never understood why people buy food with Redenbacher, Sanders, or Boyardee on the packaging. You can just tell by looking at them that they are dirty, old perverts. I, on the other hand, would make a great spokesperson for the right product:



You can see the affability and gentleness in my face. You can't fake that.

No Brother Hatchet, like the TRUE Christian™ you are, you are the genuine thing.

[WWJDnow]

Originally Posted by Old Man Hatchet

Orville Redenbacher was not alone in his diabolical scheme to turn America into a Ron Jeremy film.

Who is Ron Jeremy?

[Old Man Hatchet]

Originally Posted by WWJDnow

Who is Ron Jeremy?

Ron Jeremy probably asks this very question during periods of self-reflection.

[Rev. Jim Osborne]

I agree with you Brother Hatchet. This man was pure unadulterated evil. Not only is his birthplace suspicious, but look at where he died: San Carlos, CA. That is in the Bay Area (aka New Sodom). And San Carlos's city hall is located at 666 Elm Street. The evidence of Redenbachian Satanism is compelling.

Now, take a look at this commercial...this is after he died. He has resurrected into some kind of CGI zombie/cyborg that spits in the face of nature and God. Only Jesus Christ has risen from the grave. What on earth is this kind of blasphemy?

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Try looking up the "popcorn trick", or the expression "salty surprise" on the internet. It's no wonder that our culture is being driven into degeneracy by popcorn.

[Old Man Hatchet]

Originally Posted by Rev. Jim Osborne

Now, take a look at this commercial...this is after he died. He has resurrected into some kind of CGI zombie/cyborg that spits in the face of nature and God. Only Jesus Christ has risen from the grave. What on earth is this kind of blasphemy?

That gave me the chills and made my hairs stand on end. It proves without a doubt that we are living in the end times. More than likely Colonel Sanders and Chef Boyardee have already been resurrected as well. May God save us from this unholy, zombie trio.



Redenbacher, Sanders, and Boyardee are smiling fiendishly and laughing diabolically because their evil, posthumous plans are afoot.

[Old Man Hatchet]

Colonel Sanders was an over-sexed beast. The following shows him enjoying the company of a couple of young, scantily-clad girls of ill-repute:



Here is a revolting picture of Sanders getting randy with a woman and a chicken leg:



This last picture depicts Sanders holding a strategically-placed cane. It's highly suggestive and downright shameful:



The man makes my skin crawl.

[Old Man Hatchet]

It just occurred to me that "colonel" is phonetically identical to "kernel." Yet another sinister connection between Colonel Sanders and popcorn tycoon Orville Redenbacher.

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Brother, I think we need to add Dave Thomas. This man speaks to the Devil and invented perverted versions of hamburgers. Also, the hamburgers are square instead of round! I'm sure this is some kind of demonic symbol and that he secretly enjoyed watching people ingest them knowing they were going to get demons in the colon!




His "spicy" chicken sandwiches hotten up the blood and make people commit vile sins while the spices are circulating in the blood.

And don't even get me started on "Wendy" the little Pippy Longstocking want-to-be, hot blooded ginger,




Dave is "Well Done" alright and roasting in HELL!

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Originally Posted by Old Man Hatchet

Popcorn is the kind of food that demands to be shared.

That's communism! No doubt they eat lots of popcorn in Cuba.

[Nobar King]

Iowa is part of America's breadbasket, and one of the leading producers of corn. It seems to me that it would be more patriotic to have all of that corn converted to ethanol to help us gain energy independence from the islamofascist oil block than to have it being popped up and buttered in sinful Jewish Hollywood run movie theaters all across the country.

That, or spicy cornbread.

[miss Pauletta]

I do love me a bowl of popcorn every now and again, but I don't fall into the media's trap to lure me towards Satan: I never share my popcorn, I never use butter, and I never consume a gluttonous amount. I lightly adorn my popcorn with pure white table salt only, none of that "butter salt" crap which is just another liberal tool to teach our kids that mixing races is okay. I find a small bowl of dry popcorn, when consumed in accordance with True Christian™ practices and when NOT purchased from the Satanic zombie likes of Orville Redenbacher, makes a great afternoon snack!

I do agree, though, that because most people cannot eat popcorn responsibly, it needs to be taken off the market. The compelling case you have laid out against it here is surely enough to convince the voters to ban it when the proposition appears on a ballot. I'll start stockpiling!

[Alphonse Alban]

Praise the Lord that I found these forums. I have been so naive, even blind for many of these things. I never thought like this about popcorn, but it is so clear now. Even the true driving force behind Pee-Wee Hermans movie theater debauchery.

Thank you for opening my eyes sir. I'll unbuckle my belt next time my kids tries to induge in popcorn frenzy!

[Billy Bob Jenkins]

Originally Posted by Alphonse Alban

Praise the Lord that I found these forums. I have been so naive, even blind for many of these things. I never thought like this about popcorn, but it is so clear now. Even the true driving force behind Pee-Wee Hermans movie theater debauchery.

Thank you for opening my eyes sir. I'll unbuckle my belt next time my kids tries to induge in popcorn frenzy!

I would be careful unbuckling my belt around anyone who has been eating popcorn.

[Alphonse Alban]

Originally Posted by Billy Bob Jenkins

I would be careful unbuckling my belt around anyone who has been eating popcorn.

There is the risk of course, but it is the risk I have to take as a parent. Sometimes loving care-beating with bare hands is just not enough. Sometimes you have to prove your point.

[Cursed]

I'm okay with popcorn turning savages away from God.

More room in Heaven for us! Yay!

[ChristKev]

Many years ago, when I was young and in the clutches of sin (see my introduction thread for my backstory,) my morbidly obese wife engorged herself on KFC, the Chef Boyardee, and popcorn. What a vile creature she was. I thank the LORD everyday for taking her away in that house fire. I've never touch a box of popcorn since and never will. It always reminds me of that horrible time. My snack food is rice cakes! None of the flavored kinds the liberals crank out endlessly. Just good 'ol wholesome rice cakes.