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  • #1

    Introducing post!

    Hello my friends!

    Mr. Woo here, owner of all 3 Freehold Dry Cleaners location! Including in-house Landover Laundry service for Landover Baptist Church Cathedral!

    If you no know me, you know my nephew Jimmy Woo. He commute into Freehold seven days a week to run my cleaners for me.

    Jimmy not focus enough! He want to be actor and get him white girlfriend, I think. I told him are you crazy? No white girl gonna date a Chinese guy!

    Any how, I think he let my business fall to shit! I call up my good friend, your Mayor Johnny Joe Freehold. I told him I gonna move to Freehold to keep an eye on my business!

    Johnny say only Christian allow to live in Freehold! Him say I have to get save first! I ask him how and he say make a introduction thread and accept Jesus so here I am!

    Johnny Joe Freehold is great guy! Jimmy say he like to call him up and say, "Herro? Is this Randover Raundry service prease? You have ancient Chinese secret for me?"

    That always crack me up when I think of it!

    Mayor Freehold tell me I gotta tell you what church I go and my favorite Bible verse. No time for church! My favorite Bible verse Proverbs 13:4 because it tell you to WORK HARD and not be lazy slug like my nephew Jimmy:

    箴言 13:4
    Chinese Contemporary Bible (CC
    4 懒惰人空有幻想，
    勤快人心想事成。

    Very nice to meet all of you! I no know what Johnny Freehold mean when he say accept Jesus but I happy to accept! Look forward to meet you all in person soon! If you know good realtor in Freehold, you have him call me! Tell him I just take a look. Not buying today!
    Tags: chinks japs and gooks
  • #2
    Re: Introducing post!

    Hing-chong ching chong.

    (That's jap for "what are you doing in a Christian forum?")

    Stay off the streets of Freehold after dark, if you know what's good for you Hop-Sing.

    If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

    If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

    You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

    Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.
    Who Will Jesus Damn?

    Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

    Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

    Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

    Comment

    • #3
      Re: Introducing post!

      Not so fast there, buddy. You think they let just anybody move to Freehold? Have you even been in touch with the Freehold Homeowner's Association?

      Anyway, hi. I see that you live in San Francisco. I wonder if you've ever seen me preaching on the street in China Town? I do that frequently.

      Is that opium you're smoking?
      WARNING:
      In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
      REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

      Comment

      • #4
        Re: Introducing post!

        Originally posted by Mr. Sam Woo View Post
        Very nice to meet all of you! I no know what Johnny Freehold mean when he say accept Jesus but I happy to accept! Look forward to meet you all in person soon! If you know good realtor in Freehold, you have him call me! Tell him I just take a look. Not buying today!
        Good luck. I have offered the corn-fed denizens of Freehold several outstanding business opportunities that would have substantially increased the tax rolls, yet was shunned and denied because I am a Jew.

        Be warned, the bigotry and racial hate will prevail over common sense. Freehold is a depressingly sad community of ignorant and insecure mouth-breathing fundamentalists.

        Shalom,

        David
        Acts 14:2 But the unbelieving Jews stirred up the Gentiles, and made their minds evil affected against the brethren.

        Comment

        • #5
          Re: Introducing post!

          Remember the deal.
          No mention of the stains on Pastoral robes, I do not discuss the multiple 'family members' arriving in the containers of my truck.
          Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
          Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
          Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
          Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
          Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
          Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.

          Comment

          • #6
            Re: Introducing post!

            Yeah Faith Machine, I know you! You the guy always come in my store with airplane glue stain on your pants! I tell you again and again, why you no build snap-together model? Avoid getting front of your pants all crusty from glue drippings!

            Mr. Hutchins, I have to talk to you about last delivery! Was only 9 girl! What happen to number 10?

            Pastor Ezekiel can you make me Christian now? I wanna get this show on the road. Time is money, my friend, time is money!

            Comment

            • #7
              Re: Introducing post!

              Herro,

              cheng-gong ping pong

              ding dong ping ling?
              How "My Little Pony" Turns Men Gay Through Subliminal Mind Control
              The Tyrannosaurus Rex: A Creationist Perspective
              How Newton's Laws PROVE God's Existence
              God HATES Carbon Dating

              2nd Timothy 6:20-21 O Timothy, keep that which is committed to thy trust, avoiding profane and vain babblings, and oppositions of science falsely so called: Which some professing have erred concerning the faith. Grace be with thee. Amen.

              Comment

              • #8
                Re: Introducing post!

                Oh sorry David Shylock, I no see your post! Why you talk trash about these nice people? You try to rip them off?

                Comment

                • #9
                  Re: Introducing post!

                  Originally posted by Mr. Sam Woo View Post
                  Pastor Ezekiel can you make me Christian now? I wanna get this show on the road. Time is money, my friend, time is money!
                  Mr. Woo, I'm sorry, but you are being extremely disrespectful. I know you can at least grasp the idea of Christianity! Haven't you even heard of the religion at all? Nobody can "make" you a Christian...I'm sorry I'm personally offended and hurt by this. If anyone needs me I'll be praying on my porch swing.
                  But he answered and said, it is not right to take the children's bread and cast it to the dogs. (Matthew 15:26)

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    Re: Introducing post!

                    I no understand. Christian like Buddhist, right? You take vows, you in the club. I ready to take vows now!

                    Comment

                    • #11
                      Re: Introducing post!

                      What is this? Somebody change my picture!

                      And then I get this message:

                      Dear Mr. Sam Woo,

                      You have received an infraction at The Landover Baptist Church Forum.

                      Reason: Sexing it up for satan
                      -------
                      This is God's Church, not a smut shop. Kindly dispense with hawking filthy sexual products. This is not gooktown.
                      -------

                      This infraction is worth 66 point(s) and may result in restricted access until it expires. Serious infractions will never expire.

                      Original Post:
                      Brothers, I need your help...I think my wife enjoys being seeded! - The Landover Baptist Church Forum
                      http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?p=989251
                      We make Promise Keepers look like homers! No homosexuals or women allowed!


                      Quote:
                      Hey buddy, we all been there! I know it not fun when you can't please your wife!

                      You stick with me buddy, I got powdered rhinoceros horn! Shhhh! Very hush, hush! Loose lips sink ships, right buddy?

                      I sell you small vial for $300. Normally $350, but I give you deal! One pinch of rhino powder and you can keep it up for days!

                      I 73 years old! Works like a charm every time!

                      You send me your number, buddy, I take care of you!

                      All the best,
                      The Landover Baptist Church Forum

                      And why it says Unsaved Trash? I try to help a guy with traditional Chinese medicine! Chinese medicine the best! You guys don't even know about Qi.

                      Comment

                      • #12
                        Re: Introducing post!

                        Originally posted by Mr. Sam Woo View Post
                        What is this? Somebody change my picture!

                        And then I get this message:




                        And why it says Unsaved Trash? I try to help a guy with traditional Chinese medicine! Chinese medicine the best! You guys don't even know about Qi.
                        Okay, I know this is about as unladylike as I can possibly get but it's a question that has bothered me for years.

                        Since 99.999999% of chink "medicine" is based on **ahem** virility, can't chink men get it up? I mean if you need to eat the penis of every animal that has ever walked the face of the earth, and any part of the animal that even remotely looks like a penis (i.e. rhino horn) just to breed, how is it there's a billion of you around.


                        Of course that also leads me to ask, how is the Chinese population growing when they're only allowed one child per family.

                        Do chink women have litters? Do they lay eggs? What's the deal?
                        Drama queen

                        Comment

                        • #13
                          Re: Introducing post!

                          I 73 years old! I only need rhino horn since I was 65. Yeah, one child per family is only in mainland China. Lot of people no want their daughters because of it! No problem for me! Creates good opportunity for import/export business, if you know what I mean!

                          Comment

                          • #14
                            Re: Introducing post!

                            I change my picture back! I hope this Harold Porter no try to mess with me! I got friend in high places! I bet I could pick up phone and then Harold Porter be getting lots of parking tickets everywhere he go!

                            Maybe we get off on wrong foot though. You think Harold Porter will help me be Christian?

                            I pay a girl to come to my office and read me Bible starting tomorrow morning!

                            Comment

                            • #15
                              Re: Introducing post!

                              Really, you're going to cause Brother Harold Porter to get parking tickets? Sounds like you have delusions of grandeur, Mr. Woo.

                              Better you should stick to things you know, like cleaning my pants.
                              WARNING:
                              In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
                              REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

                              Comment

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