Making children behave in Church.

[Jean Poole]

Naturally, children can get a bit boisterous at times. This is always embarrassing, and it is a fine time for a whippin', as you beat Jesus into that child of yours. What better way to make your child think of Jesus' sacrificial blood while blood pours out of their own body?

In Church, however, it would be rude to distract other Church members during a Service, and so, before utilising the ever-famous "beatin' in the hall" method, my husband and I have come up with some very quiet disciplinary methods during service. This way, your brat is silent, and everyone can worship!

1. Stick a pin into them. The noise of the pin is near-silent. If they are disobedient enough to scream, take them outside. Give them sinful midgets something to be frightened of!

2. Tie the child with ropes to the pew, and put a gag in their mouths. Useful for continual offenders.

3. Got a bottle of water, coke etc.? Lie the child down on your lap, hold his limbs tight, and hold the bottle to their mouth, tipping the drink in without ceasing. They will have to concentrate on not drowning, and so will make very little noise. Particularly good for toddlers!

4. For older children, the Bible is always a good resource. Lay them on the pew and put your biggest and heaviest Family Bible on their chest and strap it to them with a belt. ( Multifunctional Belt- Can also be used for beatings). With the Bible constricting their breathing, they will be unable to make mischief.

5. Force them to the floor and make them sit up on their knees. Preferably on a plank punched with nails you have brought in. When they have been kneeling on a naily plank for an hour, you won't be having any more problems with sitting still!

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Making children behave in Church.

Naturally, children can get a bit boisterous at times. This is always embarrassing, and it is a fine time for a whippin', as you beat Jesus into that child of yours. What better way to make your child think of Jesus' sacrificial blood while blood pours out of their own body?

In Church, however, it would be rude to distract other Church members during a Service, and so, before utilising the ever-famous "beatin' in the hall" method, my husband and I have come up with some very quiet disciplinary methods during service. This way, your brat is silent, and everyone can worship!

1. Stick a pin into them. The noise of the pin is near-silent. If they are disobedient enough to scream, take them outside. Give them sinful midgets something to be frightened of!

2. Tie the child with ropes to the pew, and put a gag in their mouths. Useful for continual offenders.

3. Got a bottle of water, coke etc.? Lie the child down on your lap, hold his limbs tight, and hold the bottle to their mouth, tipping the drink in without ceasing. They will have to concentrate on not drowning, and so will make very little noise. Particularly good for toddlers!

4. For older children, the Bible is always a good resource. Lay them on the pew and put your biggest and heaviest Family Bible on their chest and strap it to them with a belt. ( Multifunctional Belt- Can also be used for beatings). With the Bible constricting their breathing, they will be unable to make mischief.

5. Force them to the floor and make them sit up on their knees. Preferably on a plank punched with nails you have brought in. When they have been kneeling on a naily plank for an hour, you won't be having any more problems with sitting still!

It's good to see that firm but fair parenting still has its place in Godly society - far too many lieberals around whose children will end up as drug addicts, murderers, thieves, homers, or catlick!

The invention came a little late for me and my offspring, but is most useful, I speak of The Dog Shock Collar. It can operate over distances between 0 feet and 1½ miles. The distance is important as it often triggers shocks in other children wearing them - this encourages the innocent, who are themselves reduced to paroxysms of pain, to make sure the reprobate behaves in future!

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Making children behave in Church.

Our supplier tells that a shipment of child-sized versions of these will arrive by Thursday. Gold- and higher-level tithers have already been allowed to pre-order; the rest of you may buy them at the church gift shop beginning on Friday.

[Jean Poole]

Re: Making children behave in Church.

What a marvellous invention, Pastor! Will the Malaysians be able to make 21 Muzzles in time for next service? My husband is getting one for me too. He is so good to me, stopping me from sinning!

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Making children behave in Church.

All excellent suggestions, praise Jesus. I wonder how many of you are aware of the soundproofed prayer rooms we have scattered throughout the church. They are always available for the Godly purpose of explaining the majesty of Christ in private to an unruly child and/or wife.

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: Making children behave in Church.

Naturally, children can get a bit boisterous at times. This is always embarrassing, and it is a fine time for a whippin', as you beat Jesus into that child of yours. What better way to make your child think of Jesus' sacrificial blood while blood pours out of their own body?

In Church, however, it would be rude to distract other Church members during a Service, and so, before utilising the ever-famous "beatin' in the hall" method, my husband and I have come up with some very quiet disciplinary methods during service. This way, your brat is silent, and everyone can worship!

1. Stick a pin into them. The noise of the pin is near-silent. If they are disobedient enough to scream, take them outside. Give them sinful midgets something to be frightened of!

2. Tie the child with ropes to the pew, and put a gag in their mouths. Useful for continual offenders.

3. Got a bottle of water, coke etc.? Lie the child down on your lap, hold his limbs tight, and hold the bottle to their mouth, tipping the drink in without ceasing. They will have to concentrate on not drowning, and so will make very little noise. Particularly good for toddlers!

4. For older children, the Bible is always a good resource. Lay them on the pew and put your biggest and heaviest Family Bible on their chest and strap it to them with a belt. ( Multifunctional Belt- Can also be used for beatings). With the Bible constricting their breathing, they will be unable to make mischief.

5. Force them to the floor and make them sit up on their knees. Preferably on a plank punched with nails you have brought in. When they have been kneeling on a naily plank for an hour, you won't be having any more problems with sitting still!

You do realize that legally all of these "disciplinary methods" are considered child abuse, don't you. And your home version of water-boarding is outright torture.

[Osambo 08]

Re: Making children behave in Church.

If you are worried about their comportment,then why don't you implement Sunday school lessons for kids?It works,since I'm the product of this breakthrough.

[Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S.]

Re: Making children behave in Church.

All excellent suggestions, praise Jesus. I wonder how many of you are aware of the soundproofed prayer rooms we have scattered throughout the church. They are always available for the Godly purpose of explaining the majesty of Christ in private to an unruly child and/or wife.

Speaking of which, pastor, perhaps we could integrate rooms such as this in my lecture halls, to teach our young Christian men how to correctly discipline their future wives? I think that it would be a valuable teaching tool to help teach them how to properly be the Head of Household, and how to keep their helpmeets(tm) in place. I think that this is a leading reason for divorce in the world today--the lack of a real man to push his woman around and show her the *right* way to conduct womanly business.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Making children behave in Church.

If you are worried about their comportment,then why don't you implement Sunday school lessons for kids?It works,since I'm the product of this breakthrough.

We've had Sunday School for years, boy. Keep your brown nose out of church business.

Speaking of which, pastor, perhaps we could integrate rooms such as this in my lecture halls, to teach our young Christian men how to correctly discipline their future wives? I think that it would be a valuable teaching tool to help teach them how to properly be the Head of Household, and how to keep their helpmeets™ in place. I think that this is a leading reason for divorce in the world today--the lack of a real man to push his woman around and show her the *right* way to conduct womanly business.

An excellent idea, Dr. Ville! Once you raise the funds for the project I'll give it my full support and order the work to begin immediately. I've heard from Pastor Pistle that we'll have a fresh batch of grounds crew staff coming in from Wall Street in short order. Shout Glory!

[Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S.]

Re: Making children behave in Church.

An excellent idea, Dr. Ville! Once you raise the funds for the project I'll give it my full support and order the work to begin immediately. I've heard from Pastor Pistle that we'll have a fresh batch of grounds crew staff coming in from Wall Street in short order. Shout Glory!

Funding should not be an issue, I am sure. In fact, I have a solid 4+ months to get in my final requests to George W. Bush for a permanent $200m/year research grant for our fine institution, in perpetuity until the Rapture(tm). I have instructed my lawyers to assure him that this should cost less than a total of $210m, as I expect that the Rapture(tm) will occur moments after Osambo is elected (Heaven fore-fend). From this fund, I am sure that a healthy chunk (post-tithe, of course) can be used to further research in the ways of husbandry?

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Making children behave in Church.

You do realize that legally all of these "disciplinary methods" are considered child abuse, don't you. And your home version of water-boarding is outright torture.

Liberal nonsense. Haven't you heard our Divinely hand-picked President speak on what torture is and isn't?

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: Making children behave in Church.

Liberal nonsense. Haven't you heard our Divinely hand-picked President speak on what torture is and isn't?

We don't have a divinely hand-picked president. We have Chimpy McFlightSuit.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Making children behave in Church.

We don't have a divinely hand-picked president. We have Chimpy McFlightSuit.

First, I'm going to have to give you an infraction for insulting our Divinely hand-picked President and for questioning the ability of Almighty God to hand-pick our President if He so chooses. Second, how do you suppose America's greatest President got into office? It wasn't the majority of voters in 2000, so it must have been Jesus. Praise His holy name!

[SUV]

Re: Making children behave in Church.

We don't have a divinely hand-picked president. We have Chimpy McFlightSuit.

Oh.my.JESUS. Did one of those un-American "third-party" candidates win already and shove Godly President Bush out of office? And I didn't think we'd even had the election yet

[christain-goth]

Re: Making children behave in Church.

Naturally, children can get a bit boisterous at times. This is always embarrassing, and it is a fine time for a whippin', as you beat Jesus into that child of yours. What better way to make your child think of Jesus' sacrificial blood while blood pours out of their own body?

In Church, however, it would be rude to distract other Church members during a Service, and so, before utilising the ever-famous "beatin' in the hall" method, my husband and I have come up with some very quiet disciplinary methods during service. This way, your brat is silent, and everyone can worship!

1. Stick a pin into them. The noise of the pin is near-silent. If they are disobedient enough to scream, take them outside. Give them sinful midgets something to be frightened of!

2. Tie the child with ropes to the pew, and put a gag in their mouths. Useful for continual offenders.

3. Got a bottle of water, coke etc.? Lie the child down on your lap, hold his limbs tight, and hold the bottle to their mouth, tipping the drink in without ceasing. They will have to concentrate on not drowning, and so will make very little noise. Particularly good for toddlers!

4. For older children, the Bible is always a good resource. Lay them on the pew and put your biggest and heaviest Family Bible on their chest and strap it to them with a belt. ( Multifunctional Belt- Can also be used for beatings). With the Bible constricting their breathing, they will be unable to make mischief.

5. Force them to the floor and make them sit up on their knees. Preferably on a plank punched with nails you have brought in. When they have been kneeling on a naily plank for an hour, you won't be having any more problems with sitting still!

Or maybe you should just realize that they don't want to go to church and that they would much rather follow a religion they weren't forced into.