Most effective way to beat my wife?

[Vessel of Christ]

My wife burned the lasagna last night, and tried to serve it to me... BURNT. Like I'm some kind of idiot! Like I wouldn't notice she burned the lasagna! It looked like somebody bbqed this lasagna for 12 hours! I thought it was lasagna from hell it was pitch black! So I beat her, and spit on her open wounds for a few hours while reading scripture, but shes been scowling at me whenever she sees me. I think I need to step up my game so I'm wondering if anybody has any suggestions?

I've installed loudspeakers in the house that have prerecordings of me reading scripture, but I think my biggest problem is inflicting more pain on her. Would a nail bat be over the line? I hit her in the face with a bag of oranges a few days ago, and she shut her mouth then, but bags of oranges seem impractical, and now that her skin has touched the ENTIRE bag of oranges I had to throw them out.


Can anyone recommend some good implements to use that won't bruise? God forbid she gets posessed, and calls the pc police on me. I'd be arrested.

[Basilissa]

Re: Most effective way to beat my wife?

My wife burned the lasagna last night, and tried to serve it to me... BURNT. Like I'm some kind of idiot! Like I wouldn't notice she burned the lasagna! It looked like somebody bbqed this lasagna for 12 hours! I thought it was lasagna from hell it was pitch black! So I beat her, and spit on her open wounds for a few hours while reading scripture, but shes been scowling at me whenever she sees me. I think I need to step up my game so I'm wondering if anybody has any suggestions?

I've installed loudspeakers in the house that have prerecordings of me reading scripture, but I think my biggest problem is inflicting more pain on her. Would a nail bat be over the line? I hit her in the face with a bag of oranges a few days ago, and she shut her mouth then, but bags of oranges seem impractical, and now that her skin has touched the ENTIRE bag of oranges I had to throw them out.

Can anyone recommend some good implements to use that won't bruise? God forbid she gets posessed, and calls the pc police on me. I'd be arrested.

Dear, don't you think it's a bit late for that? I mean, she has open wounds. A few bruises won't make that much difference.

[Nobar King]

Re: Most effective way to beat my wife?

You don't beat your wife. You punish her. And try not to leave bruises.

[Alphonse Alban]

Re: Most effective way to beat my wife?

Most effective way obviously is a Biblical way. Without God, it's just pointless violence, but with Jesus it's domestic discipline.

Proverbs 29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom
Proverbs 13:24 He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.
Hebrews 12:11 Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.

As Jesus says it, it's the rod and discipline that gives wisdom. Also, you might not like disciplining at first, but you just must power through it, so in the end it may bear the fruit of righteousness. It is never out of anger that you should discipline, as ultimately it is the act of Christian love.

I'm not entirely sure on how hard you should use the rod, but apparently it's at least impossible to kill a child with rod, so it should not be too dangerous for adults. Also, as Jesus reminds us, it's the blueness of the wound that keeps the evil away.

Proverbs 23:13 Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.
Proverbs 20:30 The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly.

[Karameek]

Re: Most effective way to beat my wife?

Most effective way obviously is a Biblical way. Without God, it's just pointless violence, but with Jesus it's domestic discipline.

Proverbs 29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom
Proverbs 13:24 He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.
Hebrews 12:11 Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.

As Jesus says it, it's the rod and discipline that gives wisdom. Also, you might not like disciplining at first, but you just must power through it, so in the end it may bear the fruit of righteousness. It is never out of anger that you should discipline, as ultimately it is the act of Christian love.

I'm not entirely sure on how hard you should use the rod, but apparently it's at least impossible to kill a child with rod, so it should not be too dangerous for adults. Also, as Jesus reminds us, it's the blueness of the wound that keeps the evil away.

Proverbs 23:13 Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.
Proverbs 20:30 The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly.

Amen! Can you tell me how I can get my fiance to see it that way as well? Any advice or subtle words? I wish I could come right out and say it, quoting Biblical references, but I'm afraid he'll say they're solely meant for children, not for your wife. We've talked about having children and how they will be disciplined and he said he would spank them because that is how he was raised. So I don't understand why he'd feel comfortable disciplining our future children and not me. Can anyone shed some illumination?


Thanks much!

[arthur frayn]

Re: Most effective way to beat my wife?

Take 2 bars of Ivory (99 44/100% pure) soap, take 2 gym type socks & put one inside the other, put the bars of soap down in the toe, tie a knot at the top. The knot keeps it from slipping out of your hand if you get a bit over zealous. Does not leave marks. Quite effective when applied to the head.

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Re: Most effective way to beat my wife?

Take 2 bars of Ivory (99 44/100% pure) soap, take 2 gym type socks & put one inside the other, put the bars of soap down in the toe, tie a knot at the top. The knot keeps it from slipping out of your hand if you get a bit over zealous. Does not leave marks. Quite effective when applied to the head.

Sir, please stop taking meth and your other drugs, and go read your Bible!!

[Vessel of Christ]

Re: Most effective way to beat my wife?

Take 2 bars of Ivory (99 44/100% pure) soap, take 2 gym type socks & put one inside the other, put the bars of soap down in the toe, tie a knot at the top. The knot keeps it from slipping out of your hand if you get a bit over zealous. Does not leave marks. Quite effective when applied to the head.

There is no use in hitting her in the head. You must strike the womans supple bottom so as to inflict maximum pain. If I hit her in the head she will become retarded, and be useless to me. Go read your bible.

[Didymus Much]

Re: Most effective way to beat my wife?

...Go read your bible.

Why don't you do the same, and find out that the Bible says you think with your heart, not your head?

Deuteronomy 15:9 "Beware that there be not a thought in thy wicked heart, saying, The seventh year, the year of release, is at hand; and thine eye be evil against thy poor brother, and thou givest him nought; and he cry unto the LORD against thee, and it be sin unto thee."

She married you, proof enough she doesn't use her brain for more than keeping her ears apart.

[Vessel of Christ]

Re: Most effective way to beat my wife?

Why don't you do the same, and find out that the Bible says you think with your heart, not your head?

Deuteronomy 15:9 "Beware that there be not a thought in thy wicked heart, saying, The seventh year, the year of release, is at hand; and thine eye be evil against thy poor brother, and thou givest him nought; and he cry unto the LORD against thee, and it be sin unto thee."

She married you, proof enough she doesn't use her brain for more than keeping her ears apart.

Very good point. I'll be sure to smash her head in from now on.

[Didymus Much]

Re: Most effective way to beat my wife?

Very good point. I'll be sure to smash her head in from now on.

That'll only get your stupid ass arrested and thrown in jail for a very long time.

Getting into Heaven takes a lot more than that (according to the Bible). Simply calling yourself a Christian isn't good enough:

Matthew 7:21 "Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven."

Why not read it to find out what is required? At the very least, the True Christians™ won't have to facepalm every time they read the crap you write here.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Most effective way to beat my wife?

Well said, Didymus. It seems this fellow is allergic to reading the Bible, yet he wonders why his home is in disarray.