[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

TUESDAY, AUGUST 18, 2009

Saw one of those soccer moms driving her kids around in a gigantic SUV. It was difficult to tell, but her oldest child had a pair of those tiny little earphones in his ears, so I conducted a routine traffic stop to see what kind of music he was listening to.

I approached the vehicle on the passenger side and motioned for him to roll down his window. "What are you listening to," I asked. "Music," was his smart-mouth reply. I opened the door and asked him to step out of the car and place his hands on the side of the vehicle.

I carefully removed the tiny earphones and held one of them up to my ear. It was some of that hard rock "AC/DC" stuff. I asked him if he was a queer and he said no. His mom was yelling at me, but I told her to sit down and shut up or I'd taze her and her little satanist.

I confiscated the tiny music player and issued a citation. Clearly this music was in violation of Phillipians 4:8 which says: Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

Neither he or his mom could tell me how "AC/DC" praises the Lord.

It makes my job worthwhile to know that I've taken one more tiny music player loaded with rock and roll off the streets.

Over and out.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Policing Freehold

You can't be too careful, especially since neither the little pervert nor his mom could prove their innocence.

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Policing Freehold

You are such a wonderful Officer of the Law. Freehold (and your lucky wife) are so fortunate to have you looking out for us and protecting us from evil and demons!

GLORY!!

[Baptists For The Win]

Re: Policing Freehold

Excellent work officer Don!

You should have arrested the harlot soccermom for witchcraft! Anyone who allows a child to listen to Satans music is a peddler of evil.

This Moraless woman needs to accept Jesus, trade in her SUV for a Prius and listen to our lovely Choir hymns!

[VictoryOS]

Re: Policing Freehold

You are such a wonderful Officer of the Law. Freehold (and your lucky wife) are so fortunate to have you looking out for us and protecting us from evil and demons!

GLORY!!

Sister Thumper, isn't he strong and brave and wonderful? The Lord Jesus Christ has truly blessed me!

[Buford T Scoggins]

Re: Policing Freehold

Saw one of those soccer moms driving her kids around in a gigantic SUV. It was difficult to tell, but her oldest child had a pair of those tiny little earphones in his ears, so I conducted a routine traffic stop to see what kind of music he was listening to...

...I confiscated the tiny music player and issued a citation.

Great work, Officer Don! Agent Jack Bauer on 24 would be proud of you!

You know, I've been thinking...I could really use a cell phone, preferably one of them fancy iPhones. If you confiscate one of those, please let me know. I'd give you a reasonable price for it.

yours in Christ,
Brother Buford

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

Great work, Officer Don! Agent Jack Bauer on 24 would be proud of you!

You know, I've been thinking...I could really use a cell phone, preferably one of them fancy iPhones. If you confiscate one of those, please let me know. I'd give you a reasonable price for it.

yours in Christ,
Brother Buford

I got a whole box full of stuff I've confiscated in the closet. I'll dig through it and see if I can find anything for you.

If anybody else wants anything, let me know.

[SUV]

Re: Policing Freehold

Neither he or his mom could tell me how "AC/DC" praises the Lord.

You made the Right call, Ossifer. After all, on that old Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman television show, "AC/DC" seemed to be
synonymous with "Acey Deucey."

Proving that he is a nancing, prancing homer! for Sure

[Nobar King]

Re: Policing Freehold

I could use a nice leather wallet and a watch (not a digital one, one with hands).

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Policing Freehold

I got a whole box full of stuff I've confiscated in the closet. I'll dig through it and see if I can find anything for you.

If anybody else wants anything, let me know.

I lost a couple of wallets stuffed with cash and credit cards. Let me know when those turn up.

[Rev. Jim Osborne]

Re: Policing Freehold

Officer Don, I just want to let you know that I saw that negro boy Latraine Brown up to no good again. You see I was waiting at a red light at the corner of Bethel Blvd. and 14th St, when I see that young negro buck waiting to cross the street along with Mrs. Kensington. Well, what got me suspicious is I swore that little vagrant was ogling Mrs. K! We all know Mrs. K has been getting on in her years, but for a 45 year old woman she looks good for her age. I swear he must've been staring her up and down for at least 3-4 seconds, because that's how many "mississippis" I counted before he looked away.

I was fearing a rape was going to break out. All the conditions were met: Young, horny negro buck...attractive white woman. Well after they crossed the street, they parted ways. She to her Chrysler Town & Country, and he to Noah's Arcade. I'm pretty sure he knew I was on to him, because even though I was inconspicuous, them negroes have that "jungle sense" so they know when people are following them. I feel that I should take full credit for preventing this rape.

Now, I know no crime technically took place, but I do think maybe a "friendly visit" is in order for young Latraine. You know what I mean?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Policing Freehold

Officer Don, I just want to let you know that I saw that negro boy Latraine Brown up to no good again. You see I was waiting at a red light at the corner of Bethel Blvd. and 14th St, when I see that young negro buck waiting to cross the street along with Mrs. Kensington. Well, what got me suspicious is I swore that little vagrant was ogling Mrs. K! We all know Mrs. K has been getting on in her years, but for a 45 year old woman she looks good for her age. I swear he must've been staring her up and down for at least 3-4 seconds, because that's how many "mississippis" I counted before he looked away.

I was fearing a rape was going to break out. All the conditions were met: Young, horny negro buck...attractive white woman. Well after they crossed the street, they parted ways. She to her Chrysler Town & Country, and he to Noah's Arcade. I'm pretty sure he knew I was on to him, because even though I was inconspicuous, them negroes have that "jungle sense" so they know when people are following them. I feel that I should take full credit for preventing this rape.

Now, I know no crime technically took place, but I do think maybe a "friendly visit" is in order for young Latraine. You know what I mean?

I heard the little jig whistle once.

[eliot mayfield]

Re: Policing Freehold

I have heard a disturbing rumor that a certain LBC member has been going around removing the tags from mattresses in the shops!

That's a federal offense, isn't it?

[Isabella Abbey]

Re: Policing Freehold

I have heard a disturbing rumor that a certain LBC member has been going around removing the tags from mattresses in the shops!

That's a federal offense, isn't it?

This makes me exceedingly nervous.

Are there any security cameras with ID footage??


Slightly off-topic, but I don't want to forget to ask: Monday night I had a date that was so boring that I could feel my will to live seep out of my pores and evaporate into the breeze. If this ever happens again, is this an appropriate occasion for a 9-1-1 call to help my escape the horror??

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

Rev. Jim:

You are to be commended for your attention to your surroundings and the sound judgment you exhibit. You can bet your bottom dollar this little negro will be getting a visit from ol' Officer Don. An off duty visit.

Eliot:

This kind of thing can't happen, not on my watch! If you have any details or tips, please contact me or the FPD immediately! In Freehold, the tags are marked to indicate that nobody has ever laid upon the mattress while Biblically unclean.

Ms. Abbey:

It is not the problem of the Freehold Police Department that you attract such boring and witless dates. 911 is an emergency hotline that should be used in situations of immediately peril, such as burglaries (8th commandment), murders (6th commandment) (NOT the same as Old Testament execution), people buying or selling on Sunday (4th commandment), and men with long hair. (1 Corinthians 11:14) Just some examples.