[James Dewitt]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

I love those, I wonder what we are going to eat this year!

Can you say polar bear?

Anyhow as most of you know , WE cannot actually stone anyone, I did not make the rules, do not blame me. I have tested many different targets ranging from trees to trampolines( stay away from them I still have a bump on my head). I have found a solution to the problem. 3 days ago I turned on the TV to catch the 700 club, I missed the correct channel and tuned into a show called myth busters. They ( the two people on the show) had created a dummy from something called Ballistics Gel. The people on the show where shooting it with a rifle. It seems that this ballistics gel has the same characteristics as human flesh. I contacted the boys at Landover R&D and discussed the show with them. We have a solution, a dummy made up of ballistics gel with an internal bone structure( do not ask where we got the bones) and we have found a way to place placebo blood under the exterior of the dummy( under the false skin).
By Monday the dummy should be cured and ready for further testing. attached are some photos from the R& D team.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

Update regarding the Freehold Summer Stoning Festival

There is no fee since it is paid for by our Lord. There will be a BBQ after the festival ends.
Pastor Zeke had plans to make the BBQ coincide with the Annual Endangere Species Dinner, more information on the BBQ will follow soon!

I'm planning to deliver a welcome to everyone on behalf of the City of Freehold. I've inquired, but have not heard back, as to which Landover Pastor will provide the opening prayer.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

the Annual Endangere Species Dinner

I love those, I wonder what we are going to eat this year!

[Brother Alex]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

Praise Jesus!

[Dirk]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

Update regarding the Freehold Summer Stoning Festival

There is no fee since it is paid for by our Lord. There will be a BBQ after the festival ends.
Pastor Zeke had plans to make the BBQ coincide with the Annual Endangere Species Dinner, more information on the BBQ will follow soon!

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

So that everyone can participate, I wonder if we should make some arrangement where Tin Tithers and some of the elderly (who don't have real cash flow at the moment) can sign over their houses to the Church, in exchange for Mt Sinai / Holy Land stones.

We don't want them to be embarrassed by having to use plain old river rocks when the rest of the congregation has the "holy" stones.

I spoke to Widow Florence and Widow Sharon, and they're ready to sign up, if the Pastors can arrange it.

It's so wonderful to be able to reach out to these poor old souls!

[Larry Lee]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

I read a book on muzzie stoning techniques. (Don't ask)

I appears the worse the crime, the smaller the stones. The more you wish to prolong the screaming agony of your victim effigy buried up to the neck, the smaller the rocks you use. You generally let the kids go first for the worst offenders.

If it's something more minor, you use a large boulder directly applied to the head.

I wonder if we could rank the prolongation of the non-existent stoning with the crime.

This is quite excellent advice -- wherever it came from -- although I see one little problem. For a criminal as heinous as, oh, the usual DEMONcrat, we'd logically want to stone them with... fish gravel? Not too sure about that.

[James Dewitt]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

Wait, where is my share? I put up my land available for the festival.

Brother Dirk, WE have 5000 special rocks coming in from Sierra Leone. They will be in the same shipment but require some further refinement in New York. WE got a bloody good deal on them.

[Dirk]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

Relax Brother, You said you could not cover the initial expense, I can. I told you I will catch you on the back side, here is the lay out. After all expenses are paid out 50% of clear profit to Pastor Ezekiel/LBC. 10% to Brother Hutchins(Trucking) 10% to Brother Fred( Shipping) 10% to you and 20% to me, after all I am paying the bills and taking all the heat from the Government on inspections. If you want more of a cut, I guess I can take it from Jesus

Wait, where is my share? I put up my land available for the festival.

[James Dewitt]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

Well, that won't be until you've bought the stones from me for a reasonable price. 50% of the profit will go to Pastor Ezekiel/LBC and the rest goes to me. After that you can sell them for as much as you like, but just make sure Pastor Ezekiel/LBC gets 50% of that profit too. That way everybody can be happy, especially Jesus and the Landover Baptist Church. So, what do you say, Brother?

Or I can pay you for your asking price, and then give you 10% of the profit after resale mark up(YOU get paid twice)

[Levi Jones]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

I read a book on muzzie stoning techniques. (Don't ask)

I appears the worse the crime, the smaller the stones. The more you wish to prolong the screaming agony of your victim effigy buried up to the neck, the smaller the rocks you use. You generally let the kids go first for the worst offenders.

If it's something more minor, you use a large boulder directly applied to the head.

I wonder if we could rank the prolongation of the non-existent stoning with the crime.

[Brother Alex]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

Relax Brother, You said you could not cover the initial expense, I can. I told you I will catch you on the back side, here is the lay out. After all expenses are paid out 50% of clear profit to Pastor Ezekiel/LBC. 10% to Brother Hutchins(Trucking) 10% to Brother Fred( Shipping) 10% to you and 20% to me, after all I am paying the bills and taking all the heat from the Government on inspections. If you want more of a cut, I guess I can take it from Jesus

Well, that won't be until you've bought the stones from me for a reasonable price. 50% of the profit will go to Pastor Ezekiel/LBC and the rest goes to me. After that you can sell them for as much as you like, but just make sure Pastor Ezekiel/LBC gets 50% of that profit too. That way everybody can be happy, especially Jesus and the Landover Baptist Church. So, what do you say, Brother?

[James Hutchins]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

Brother Dewitt. I do not need any funds whatsoever. I am able to bill Salem Nuclear, Hsaliburton and BP Exploration for the transport fees along with a handsome profit, 50% of which is going to the Landover Pastorsd General Use Fund, looks like the Pastors Retreat house will be getting that indoor Olympic sized Volcanic Ash Mud pool well before the fall after all.
Though some special arrangements with some gook people, I am going to have the place built entirely out of teak and pegs, not a single nail. Will be bringing a container or two of these craftsmen over. When they finish the 20 acre pool pavillion, they will be work9ing on my lieetle 20,000 sqft 'getaway shaque' as the missus calls it.

[James Dewitt]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

It is a mighty piece of equipment there, Brother James, but gosh, I just hope that the homers (prior to being stoned) don't eye it off as a means for their debauched sexual gratification.

It will be out of site from them until necessary I hope.

YIC,

Mrs.P.Wintersnow.

Sister that might happen with the first Homerexural, I can assure you it wont with the second. I fired it at a brick wall from 50 feet, it broke 3 bricks and took the windshield out of a white Cadillac Escalade that was parked 200 feet behind the wall. I sure wish I knew who owned that Cadillac.

[Phebe Carlyle]

Re: Have You started collecting stones?

Brothers and Sister I am pleased to unveil the most recent advance in stoning capabilities. We have gone through many hours of research and development(A big shout out to the fellas at the creation lab and the R&D team at Landover University) The design of this modern stone chucking device was created with the elderly, surgically impaired and weak females in mind. Initial tests showed that with hair spray as the propellant a speed of 450ft per second could be achieved with the common tennis ball. We ramped it up with the use of acetylene as a propellant. We found that we could achieve a speed a of 650ft per second with a rock weighing 1.755 lbs.
Brothers and Sisters I present you the Landover Stonier model 2010. I have ordered 150 to start with. Call or Pm me for cost and shipping info. James Dewitt

It is a mighty piece of equipment there, Brother James, but gosh, I just hope that the homers (prior to being stoned) don't eye it off as a means for their debauched sexual gratification.

It will be out of site from them until necessary I hope.

YIC,

Mrs.P.Wintersnow.