[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

but racists cant own a tv>>>

Did you notice the fact that this thread is called Good, Clean Christian Jokes?

That's the problem with non True Christians: you'll believe any nonsense in the name of taking everything literally.

[BelieverInGod]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

but racists cant own a tv>>>

1. It was a joke, do you not understand how jokes work?

2. I am not a racist.

3. You're showing the typical thin skinned of your type of people. Every time I turn around you people are on the news crying and whining about some affront or another. Black holes are racist, master/slave drives are racist, spit shine shoes are racist.

Tell me is my black cat racist as well? Or is it just oppressed by the other cats?

[Bigdaddy]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

1. It was a joke, do you not understand how jokes work?

2. I am not a racist.

3. You're showing the typical thin skinned of your type of people. Every time I turn around you people are on the news crying and whining about some affront or another. Black holes are racist, master/slave drives are racist, spit shine shoes are racist.

Tell me is my black cat racist as well? Or is it just oppressed by the other cats?

lol um first of all i was mocking you.. Jesus Christ!!!

[BelieverInGod]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

lol um first of all i was mocking you.. Jesus Christ!!!

You're on a Christian board, do not take the Lords name in vain.

[Live and Love]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Saddam Hussein's son is bringing the groceries in a box. Saddam asks him why he's bringing them in a box, and his son replies "Because there's no Baghdad."

[Big God Denier]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Father Nick had been sitting in thee confession box all day and really needed to go to the bathroom, he then opens the door to the confession box and sees the janitor sweeping the floor.

"Hey psst could you take over for me in here for ten minutes, while I go of to the bathroom?"

"sure, what shall I do there?"

"look there comes sister Helena, no matter what she had done just tell her to do three Ave Marias"

The janitor enters the booth, and surely enough sister Helena enters on the other side

"Oh father I have sinned, I have given a man a blow job"
The janitor then thinks 'three ave Marias sounds a bit cheep for such a sin' and opens the curtain of the booth and sees a choir boy standing outside

"hey psst what does the priest give for a blow job?"

"One cola and three mars bars!" the choir boy exclaims.

[Trent Harvey, Jr.]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Saddam Hussein's son is bringing the groceries in a box. Saddam asks him why he's bringing them in a box, and his son replies "Because there's no Baghdad."

Mark my words, one of these days I will become a moderator, and on that day I will infract you with a 50 megapun bomb.

PSSST! Jeb! I have a sister who owes me a favor!

[Brother Enoch]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Letter from a Farm Kid

(Now at Camp Pendleton, San Diego, Marine Corps Recruit Training)
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay... practically nothing. Men got to shave but it's not so bad... there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice

[Chris T]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Letter from a Farm Kid

(Now at Camp Pendleton, San Diego, Marine Corps Recruit Training)
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay... practically nothing. Men got to shave but it's not so bad... there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice

I can attest to the sissification of the military. They're even letting homers enlist! This is such a good joke, but the underlying implications just make me angry! I can't wait until the election! Nobama has GOT TO GO!

[BelieverInGod]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Letter from a Farm Kid

(Now at Camp Pendleton, San Diego, Marine Corps Recruit Training)
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay... practically nothing. Men got to shave but it's not so bad... there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice

Although I'm against women in the military, I can attest to the average farm girl being much tougher than the average city pansy. It's a good joke.

[Dr. Zaius]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

I didn't know this about penguins:

Ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

The penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life..

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings & beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"


"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


Then they kick him in the ice hole.

[Nobar King]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Getting a hair dryer through customs..

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.

Next!'

[Nobar King]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Sorry for not checking the thread, but this joke is a repeat.^

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes



Al's scrotum

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and

walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Al, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.

The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Al must have experienced. "Al was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Al's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Al. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, thank the Lord, Al is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Al Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Sorry for not checking the thread, but this joke is a repeat.^

Well, how about this related joke?

Q: Why did the buzzard have to leave one of its two dead rabbits behind when boarding a flight?






A: The airline had a strict one-carrion limit.