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I have received hundreds of pm's over the years here and not all of them were physically threatening. In fact, many of them contained congratulations for having the patience and conviction of faith to stay among the morally poor of Landover and tend to them as if they were a proper flock of Jesus.
Admittedly, there have been some difficult moments (Landovarians put the cult in difficult I tell you!) but with Jesus at my side and Pope Benedict right there behind me I have been able to not just endure but indeed to make headway.
Cardinal Pfister, my spiritual advisor, has asked me to take some time and offer detailed answers to those who have sent me discreet inquiries as well as the many who could benefit from such discourse. I will change the names of those who contacted me for I consider these missives as sacred as Holy Confession.
Let's start with a fairly common question.
"Dear Father Mo, how can your Church justify all of those spectacular Cathedrals brimming with priceless art when so many of the world's less fortunate are reduced to cooking with dung and eating from dumpsters?"
Signed,
Ho***onde**thbig**ts
This is a great question and we hear quite a bit. Here was my reply.
Dear Ho***onde**thbig**ts,
I am so glad you have taken the time to give thought to the wonders of The Holy Roman Church. I am anxious to answer you in writing but would be even happier if you dropped by my Parish for afoot-massage confession. In the meantime, the answer is quite simply brilliant.
By constructing a series of modest houses of worship we have established a world-wide opportunity for tourists to visit our Churches and they happily do. In front of every Cathedral and Basilica you will find any number of round, squat Romanian women sitting by the exits with a cup of change in front of them. Without the foresight to build these Churches these woman, and other poor like them, would have far fewer chances to beg for a decent living.
When you consider that many of these Cathedrals date back over fifteen hundred years it doesn't take long to figure out that this is a sustainable means by which wealth can be redistributed towards those in most need.
One of our finest examples of this is the Sagrada Familia in Barcelona. With over seven thousand visitors each and every day we provide beggars, grifters and pick-pockets the chance to partake in wealth redistribution. In addition to these obvious benefits, by taking over a hundred years to build, the Sagrada has provided valuable jobs throughout the region and a chance for local governments to increase their tax base and promote the lucrative business of tourism. All of this helps the city and the region in providing valuable assistance to those in need.
Bless you, my former porn star,
Father Mo
A very popular question from a number of the Landovarian ladies is up next...
Dear Father Mo,
I have been seriously considering joining a Catholic Convent but want to make sure I find one where I fit in. I prefer a secretive and lofty order that places a premium on group bonding and higher education (I almost have my high-school diploma!).
Is there an order like that for me? I truly want to serve Jesus but without the bother of men around asking if they can cure me.
Signed,
Sis*** ***ssors
Needless to say, having been around since the day Jesus started Christianity we had a solution for her!
Dear Sis*** ***ssors,
Much in the way that the men of the Church have a number of special orders the women of Catholicism do as well. I think, with all of that middle American education at your disposal, I might suggest our Nunly counterpart to the Jesuit order... The Lesuits! I will pm you the link to our Lesuit FAQ and leave you to the ministrations of Sister Val Getarian... she will take great care of you.
Bless you, my Sapphopotamus,
Father Mo
I have many more questions to answer but must get back to my duties. With any luck I can answer a few more before certain mods here sober up.
Bless you all,
Father Mo
.
Admittedly, there have been some difficult moments (Landovarians put the cult in difficult I tell you!) but with Jesus at my side and Pope Benedict right there behind me I have been able to not just endure but indeed to make headway.
Cardinal Pfister, my spiritual advisor, has asked me to take some time and offer detailed answers to those who have sent me discreet inquiries as well as the many who could benefit from such discourse. I will change the names of those who contacted me for I consider these missives as sacred as Holy Confession.
Let's start with a fairly common question.
"Dear Father Mo, how can your Church justify all of those spectacular Cathedrals brimming with priceless art when so many of the world's less fortunate are reduced to cooking with dung and eating from dumpsters?"
Signed,
Ho***onde**thbig**ts
This is a great question and we hear quite a bit. Here was my reply.
Dear Ho***onde**thbig**ts,
I am so glad you have taken the time to give thought to the wonders of The Holy Roman Church. I am anxious to answer you in writing but would be even happier if you dropped by my Parish for a
By constructing a series of modest houses of worship we have established a world-wide opportunity for tourists to visit our Churches and they happily do. In front of every Cathedral and Basilica you will find any number of round, squat Romanian women sitting by the exits with a cup of change in front of them. Without the foresight to build these Churches these woman, and other poor like them, would have far fewer chances to beg for a decent living.
When you consider that many of these Cathedrals date back over fifteen hundred years it doesn't take long to figure out that this is a sustainable means by which wealth can be redistributed towards those in most need.
One of our finest examples of this is the Sagrada Familia in Barcelona. With over seven thousand visitors each and every day we provide beggars, grifters and pick-pockets the chance to partake in wealth redistribution. In addition to these obvious benefits, by taking over a hundred years to build, the Sagrada has provided valuable jobs throughout the region and a chance for local governments to increase their tax base and promote the lucrative business of tourism. All of this helps the city and the region in providing valuable assistance to those in need.
Bless you, my former porn star,
Father Mo
A very popular question from a number of the Landovarian ladies is up next...
Dear Father Mo,
I have been seriously considering joining a Catholic Convent but want to make sure I find one where I fit in. I prefer a secretive and lofty order that places a premium on group bonding and higher education (I almost have my high-school diploma!).
Is there an order like that for me? I truly want to serve Jesus but without the bother of men around asking if they can cure me.
Signed,
Sis*** ***ssors
Needless to say, having been around since the day Jesus started Christianity we had a solution for her!
Dear Sis*** ***ssors,
Much in the way that the men of the Church have a number of special orders the women of Catholicism do as well. I think, with all of that middle American education at your disposal, I might suggest our Nunly counterpart to the Jesuit order... The Lesuits! I will pm you the link to our Lesuit FAQ and leave you to the ministrations of Sister Val Getarian... she will take great care of you.
Bless you, my Sapphopotamus,
Father Mo
I have many more questions to answer but must get back to my duties. With any luck I can answer a few more before certain mods here sober up.
Bless you all,
Father Mo
.
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