I'm back!

[Wide-Open]

Praise the Lord, my Brothers and Sisters, for I have returned to these Godly forums, and internet access in general. For some reason, which was never revealed, we did not have a connection in prison. Weird or what?

Yes, Satan's Belgican minions have finally released me after 2 years in what they call "Le Prison". "The Amigo". The Cachot".

How could I have known that the strong potion that helped me love Jesus so much was illegal when you were driving a car?

I mean, the house wasn't even that badly damaged (the SUV was a write-off though), and our Savior kindly decided it wasn't time for the 80 year old lady yet. She could leave the hospital after 3 months, where as I had to stay in jail for a LOT longer.

Yes, that potion. It's a long story, it involves the Scots (of all peoples ), a few misunderstandings, and a conviction (not in the religious sense )

Anyway, I cleared the air with Pastor Zeke, and he promised me to double my salary (again! ) - how wrong I was to doubt his silence when I was behind bars. The Lord never gives us more than we can handle, as if we needed more proof of His infinite wisdom!

Life is good again. Tomorrow I'm off on a free bus trip to the Holy Land! Yes, I know, it's apparently full of Jews - I thought they mostly lived in New York - but it is the land where the Baby Jesus wandered around, and did all that awesome stuff.

The bus trip was kindly offered to me by fellow inmates (great tan!), and they promised me I would even get a gun (yay! like a real American, I'll have a gun!!!) once I get to Homs.

Seriously looking forward to this one.

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: I'm back!

Welcome back, Brother W/O! I'm happy to see that Jesus kept your spirits up and you didn't buckle under the weight of so much persecution.

[Attila's Wife]

Re: I'm back!

Welcome back, Brother! I have not had the pleasure of meeting you before, but your story interests me greatly.

Living in Europe myself, I can picture the scene. I imagine that your downfall - only temporary, Praise the Lord! - involved what Scotchmen call a "stag weekend" (a weekend of foul drunkenness, designed to give them the courage to marry their hideous ginger-haired crones). This would involve excessive amounts of the strange greenish potion that the Belgicans call beer, plus french fries with mayonnaise. I am guessing that the "misunderstandings" may have involved the traditional Scotch male dress of a skirt but no underpants? And a lot of vomit.

To be fair, one can hardly blame the Belgums for taking offense at this, but one look at your passport should have been enough to clear you. I blame Hussein Obama. George W. would certainly have obliterated their ridiculous country rather than see you incarcerated.

Anyway, I cleared the air with Pastor Zeke, and he promised me to double my salary (again! )

If I were a Cathlick, which Thank the Lord I am not, I'd say that man is a saint!

Good luck in Judistan, but keep your back to the wall, Brother. I have been a leading light in the campaign to get that country excluded from the Eurovision Song Contest, ever since they won it with a song sung by a "woman" who used to be a man. I'm sure he, she, or it is not the only one in that country, and some of them are very convincing.

Keep us posted,

YiC
AW

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: I'm back!

How could I have known that the strong potion that helped me love Jesus so much was illegal when you were driving a car?

You could not, Brother, you could not… Satan’s powers are beyond comprehension. He attacks only the most spiritual and most influential.

The laws of Man are a mystery:
1st Timothy 1:9 Knowing this, that the law is not made for a righteous man, but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and for sinners, for unholy and profane, for murderers of fathers and murderers of mothers, for manslayers,
1st Timothy 1:10 For whoremongers, for them that defile themselves with mankind , for menstealers, for liars, for perjured persons, and if there be any other thing that is contrary to sound doctrine;

I mean, the house wasn't even that badly damaged (the SUV was a write-off though), and our Savior kindly decided it wasn't time for the 80 year old lady yet. She could leave the hospital after 3 months, where as I had to stay in jail for a LOT longer.

As I understand it demons possessed your vehicle and caused it to show Satan’s Power to a Christian woman. This is all too common. And yet, for this, you are persecuted!

Life is good again. Tomorrow I'm off on a free bus trip to the Holy Land! […] where the Baby Jesus wandered around, and did all that awesome stuff.

Here today and gone tomorrow. This is the way of the Lord’s Work – it is never done and it is always urgent.

God’s Speed, Brother.

[Pastor J.C. Manning, M.D., Ph.D.]

Re: I'm back!

Dear Wide-Open,

Yes, Satan's Belgican minions have finally released me after 2 years in what they call "Le Prison". "The Amigo". The Cachot".

Little do all those who ignore Jesus know about the burdens of serving Him. While they go on wasting their lives on frivolous activities that can only end with eternal damnation, we True Christians™ are suffering from Satan's continuous attempts to bring us down. Fortunately your suffering will turn out to be part of the road to a well deserved eternal stay in Heaven. There you will spend a well deserved eternity with the man who died only for those believing in Him (John 14:6).

How could I have known that the strong potion that helped me love Jesus so much was illegal when you were driving a car?

It's a shame that an entire country that doesn't even exist, can jail someone for doing exactly what the Bible teaches us: "Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach's sake and thine often infirmities." (1 Timothy 5:23)

I mean, the house wasn't even that badly damaged (the SUV was a write-off though), and our Savior kindly decided it wasn't time for the 80 year old lady yet. She could leave the hospital after 3 months, where as I had to stay in jail for a LOT longer.

This 80 year old harlot got a sign from God because He guided a True Christian™, you, to saving her eternal soul. 3 months of being forced to stop seducing innocent men into sins that are too horrible to mention, has forced her to see the errors of her wasted life. Your selfless actions have brought this once worthless harlot insight that will allow her to save her eternal soul. I have no doubt in my mind that she is thanking you in prayer for your selfless acts each and every day.

Yours in Christ,

Pastor J.C. Manning, M.D., Ph.D.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: I'm back!

Dear Wide-O;

I hope and Pray that you still have possession of the mega-bullhorn I sent you several years ago. That device set the Church back a pretty penny, and it was sent to you so that you could spread the Good News about Christ Jesus to the smelly Europistans.

I trust you still have it in good repair?

YIC,

--Pastor Ezekiel

[Donovan A. Mordecai]

Re: I'm back!

Welcome Back!

I have read some of your old posts, and I can feel His Holy Hand inside me when I do.

I am very excited about reading you new insights

God Bless
DAM

[Roberta]

Re: I'm back!

Glad you are back, WO!

If you are in need of some immediate miracle healing, this event is taking place in Paris on September 3rd and it's free!

http://www.bennyhinn.org/events/1219...ealing-service

[Esther B.]

Re: I'm back!

Welcome back!

[Pim Pendergast]

Re: I'm back!

Welcome back, Brother Open! Sorry to hear you fell victim to Big Brother and the nanny state lunacy taking over Europe and much of the rest of the world. A trip to the Holy Land sounds fascinating. It would be awe-inspiring to retrace the steps of Jesus' ministry and stand on the ground won by Joshua, the judges and the kings of Israel and Judah. We Christians have the best travel guide: the KJV 1611.

[Wide-Open]

Re: I'm back!

I am guessing that the "misunderstandings" may have involved the traditional Scotch male dress of a skirt but no underpants? And a lot of vomit.

I could not possibly comment. Let's not forget that

Matthew 15:11 Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.

I have been a leading light in the campaign to get that country excluded from the Eurovision Song Contest, ever since they won it with a song sung by a "woman" who used to be a man.

I would almost say: Oh Lordi! Crazy people, the lot of them!

I hope and Pray that you still have possession of the mega-bullhorn I sent you several years ago. That device set the Church back a pretty penny, and it was sent to you so that you could spread the Good News about Christ Jesus to the smelly Europistans.

I trust you still have it in good repair?

Ehm. Well.

Pastor.

Ehm.

Not really. It got stuck between the gearbox and the harlot's toilet bowl. I did try to salvage it, but it sadly only made squeaky sounds after the crash. Not good for sharing The Lord's Word, I'm sure you'll agree. I don't suppose you could, eh, ... ?

If you are in need of some immediate miracle healing, this event is taking place in Paris on September 3rd and it's free!

Ooh! I always wanted to see Benny! But I'm afraid I will still be stuck here in ... well, I'm not sure where I am at the moment.

We Christians have the best travel guide: the KJV 1611.

Amen Brother! And what a fine guide it is. Sadly, Homs doesn't seem to be in it, and our bus got held up. There are a lot of angry people over here, disagreeing over something or the other.

I could surely use a drin... I mean I really need to calm my nerves a bit. Lots of people here have a bit of a problem with their nerves. Fortunately, Ezekiel comes to my rescue, and I might be trying to get to Helbon instead:

Ezekiel 27:18 Damascus was thy merchant in the multitude of the wares of thy making, for the multitude of all riches; in the wine of Helbon, and white wool.

I always loved me some, eh, white wool!

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: I'm back!

I could surely use a drin... I mean I really need to calm my nerves a bit.[...]
Ezekiel 27:18 Damascus was thy merchant in the multitude of the wares of thy making, for the multitude of all riches; in the wine of Helbon, and white wool.

I always loved me some, eh, white wool!

Resist that temptation! No backsliding! Satan is at your shoulder! Stand firm, man! Stand firm! Put your trust and faith in Jesus and don't think of The Last Supper!

Lu:1:15: For he shall be great in the sight of the Lord, and shall drink neither wine nor strong drink; and he shall be filled with the Holy Ghost, even from his mother's womb.

And word reaches me that you have been praying over a pitcher of water. (John 2:1-11)

[Wide-Open]

Re: I'm back!

Resist that temptation! No backsliding! Satan is at your shoulder! Stand firm, man! Stand firm! Put your trust and faith in Jesus and don't think of The Last Supper!

You are absolutely right Brother Bathfire. I can tell, even through my horrible headache, that your words were on the money. I think Matthew 26:41 is particularly appropriate here.

And so is Romans 14:21, coming to think of it...

I hope it is a good sign that throughout these last two days I had the picture of Jesus thrusting His love upon me the whole time. Today, I'm pretty sure He has been replaced by Satan, which leaves me a bit confused about being totally sober.

[James Hutchins]

Re: I'm back!

Welcome back, Brother W-O.

As you know, I told everyone of the vicious rumors being circulated regarding the reasons for your unjust incarceration and unGodly persecution. I trust you kept your rectum inviolate and your faith strong while in that medieval hellhole.
I would of visited but I am currently on a 'persona-non-grata' list for Belgistan.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: I'm back!

Ehm. Well.

Pastor.

Ehm.

Not really. It got stuck between the gearbox and the harlot's toilet bowl. I did try to salvage it, but it sadly only made squeaky sounds after the crash. Not good for sharing The Lord's Word, I'm sure you'll agree. I don't suppose you could, eh, ... ?

500 watt megaphones don't grow on trees, brother, and Church funds are desperately needed elsewhere. I have arranged for Miss Cookie to ship you a new one, but I'm afraid it's coming out of your stipend.

And when I say "it," I mean the cost of the one you carelessly destroyed, as well as the new one.

Plus shipping and handling.

I want that bullhorn in use at least 16 hours a day! Satan is ruling all over Europistan, no thanks to you! Chop-chop!