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The True Christian™ Guide to Self-Amputation
Friends,
I’d like to talk to you today about Self-Amputation. Now, when you’re getting ready to saw-off a body-part, say, around half of your arm or such like, you really have to be prepared. Amputation can be a painful process, and should you pass-out during it, you may wake up only to find out you’ve actually died of massive blood-loss! Yes, that’s something we really want to avoid at all costs, especially when we have your eternal salvation to think about.
Remember what Jesus Christ said, in Mark 9:43-47,
43 And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched:
45 And if thy foot offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter halt into life, than having two feet to be cast into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched:
47 And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire:
See, Jesus cannot be clearer on this subject. If you have offensive limbs, you MUST cut them off, lest your vile sinful body-part drags you down to Hell with them! Glory!
Say you have a hand that’s given to chronic masturbation. HACK IT OFF! Say you have an eye that glances at another man in a homosexual manner? RIP IT OUT YOUR HEAD! Say you have fingers that touch small children in an inappropriate manner? CUT THEM OFF! It is the only way you’ll get to Heaven!
Now, let’s look at the amputation process...
Amputation Guide No.1 - The hand.
It probably won't come as a great surprise to the folks here, but the hand is the most popular body-part to amputate. But it has to be done right! I think we all remember what happened to poor Pastor Faithways, after he was charged with molesting all those kids. But for those of you who don't remember, the good Pastor tried to cut off his offending hand with a rusty hacksaw blade, and couldn't get through the bone. He must have been sawing at that thing for hours, before passed out with the pain and bloodloss. They found him a few days later in a pool of his own blood, dead, with the offensive hand still hanging on by the bone. If he had just used a decent bone-saw he'd probably be in Heaven right now, singing with the Angels. But NO! He couldn't even remove a simple hand! Now Pastor Faithways burns in Hell! A warning to all others who cannot perform a simple amputation!
So first, let's look at the tools required to remove your hand properly –
THE AMPUTATION BONESAW
THE AMPUTATION CLEAVER
However, remembering we’re living in the 21st Century, I would recommend something a bit more fast and effective. Remember, our aim is to get your hand off, and get it off FAST! So let’s look at a few electric power-tools that should be up to the job –
THE ELECTRIC CIRCULAR SAW
THE CHAIN-SAW
I would recommend using the electric circular saw, as it should be easier to operate one handed. Now, onto the process of removing the hand –
STEP 1 – Sterilization
Before cutting off a part of your body, you must make sure the surrounding area is adequately clean to prevent infection, so be sure to wash with warm water. I also recommend using soap, and make sure your wrist is adequately clean from dirt or grease.
It is also a good tip to wash or clean the saw-blade of any dust or animal blood before use.
STEP 2 – Pain Relief.
Cutting off a body part may be painful, so make sure you take a few asprin before you begin. Nothing too strong, remember you want to have all your wits about you during the amputation.
STEP 3 – The Amputation Itself
This is the simplest step. Take the electric saw, and cut off your hand as quickly as possible. The quicker the better! This should cause you the least pain. Now we’re almost there!
STEP 4 – Cauterization
After you have cut off your hand, there may be some bleeding. It may be a simple case of just dabbing the bloody stump with a few paper towels, and then it may be ready for bandaging. However, some may find their wound may be bleeding excessively. If this is the case, it must be cauterized.
Cauterization means burning the wound to stop the bleeding, and sealing up your wound. This can be done any one of several ways. From dipping the stump in gasoline, and setting it alight, to placing it in the flames of a large fire, to burning it with a simple house-hold steam iron.
Now you’re ready to bandage! Congratulations!
STEP 5 – The Healing process
Now that you have performed your amputation, you may be in a little pain and discomfort. The best thing I would say it to get a little sleep, and give that thing a chance to heal. Rubbing salt in your wound will also help speed up the healing process, which should take a few days.
IF ANYONE ELSE HERE HAS TIPS ON SELF AMPUTATION, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO POST THEM.
COMING SOON : Amputation Guide No.2 – Sawing off an Offending Foot.
(You may also wish to see the Landover Baptist Church Guide to Self-Circumcision! Praise!)
Friends,
I’d like to talk to you today about Self-Amputation. Now, when you’re getting ready to saw-off a body-part, say, around half of your arm or such like, you really have to be prepared. Amputation can be a painful process, and should you pass-out during it, you may wake up only to find out you’ve actually died of massive blood-loss! Yes, that’s something we really want to avoid at all costs, especially when we have your eternal salvation to think about.
Remember what Jesus Christ said, in Mark 9:43-47,
43 And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched:
45 And if thy foot offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter halt into life, than having two feet to be cast into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched:
47 And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire:
See, Jesus cannot be clearer on this subject. If you have offensive limbs, you MUST cut them off, lest your vile sinful body-part drags you down to Hell with them! Glory!
Say you have a hand that’s given to chronic masturbation. HACK IT OFF! Say you have an eye that glances at another man in a homosexual manner? RIP IT OUT YOUR HEAD! Say you have fingers that touch small children in an inappropriate manner? CUT THEM OFF! It is the only way you’ll get to Heaven!
Now, let’s look at the amputation process...
Amputation Guide No.1 - The hand.
It probably won't come as a great surprise to the folks here, but the hand is the most popular body-part to amputate. But it has to be done right! I think we all remember what happened to poor Pastor Faithways, after he was charged with molesting all those kids. But for those of you who don't remember, the good Pastor tried to cut off his offending hand with a rusty hacksaw blade, and couldn't get through the bone. He must have been sawing at that thing for hours, before passed out with the pain and bloodloss. They found him a few days later in a pool of his own blood, dead, with the offensive hand still hanging on by the bone. If he had just used a decent bone-saw he'd probably be in Heaven right now, singing with the Angels. But NO! He couldn't even remove a simple hand! Now Pastor Faithways burns in Hell! A warning to all others who cannot perform a simple amputation!
So first, let's look at the tools required to remove your hand properly –
THE AMPUTATION BONESAW
THE AMPUTATION CLEAVER
However, remembering we’re living in the 21st Century, I would recommend something a bit more fast and effective. Remember, our aim is to get your hand off, and get it off FAST! So let’s look at a few electric power-tools that should be up to the job –
THE ELECTRIC CIRCULAR SAW
THE CHAIN-SAW
I would recommend using the electric circular saw, as it should be easier to operate one handed. Now, onto the process of removing the hand –
STEP 1 – Sterilization
Before cutting off a part of your body, you must make sure the surrounding area is adequately clean to prevent infection, so be sure to wash with warm water. I also recommend using soap, and make sure your wrist is adequately clean from dirt or grease.
It is also a good tip to wash or clean the saw-blade of any dust or animal blood before use.
STEP 2 – Pain Relief.
Cutting off a body part may be painful, so make sure you take a few asprin before you begin. Nothing too strong, remember you want to have all your wits about you during the amputation.
STEP 3 – The Amputation Itself
This is the simplest step. Take the electric saw, and cut off your hand as quickly as possible. The quicker the better! This should cause you the least pain. Now we’re almost there!
STEP 4 – Cauterization
After you have cut off your hand, there may be some bleeding. It may be a simple case of just dabbing the bloody stump with a few paper towels, and then it may be ready for bandaging. However, some may find their wound may be bleeding excessively. If this is the case, it must be cauterized.
Cauterization means burning the wound to stop the bleeding, and sealing up your wound. This can be done any one of several ways. From dipping the stump in gasoline, and setting it alight, to placing it in the flames of a large fire, to burning it with a simple house-hold steam iron.
Now you’re ready to bandage! Congratulations!
STEP 5 – The Healing process
Now that you have performed your amputation, you may be in a little pain and discomfort. The best thing I would say it to get a little sleep, and give that thing a chance to heal. Rubbing salt in your wound will also help speed up the healing process, which should take a few days.
IF ANYONE ELSE HERE HAS TIPS ON SELF AMPUTATION, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO POST THEM.
COMING SOON : Amputation Guide No.2 – Sawing off an Offending Foot.
(You may also wish to see the Landover Baptist Church Guide to Self-Circumcision! Praise!)
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