Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad.

[Levi Jones]

Traveling in a foreign country can be terrifying for your average American. Believe me, I know! I have come up with a guide to help you get through the trials and tribulations of getting through your average third world hellhole like Mexico, Costa Rica, Denmark or Japan.

First of all, pickpockets and gypsies are everywhere! You need a place to securely store your passport and money. I cannot stress the importance of a fanny pack. I recommend one with an American flag logo.



Secondly, with that 52 inch waist, you'll want to make sure and wear shorts. There's nothing like a pair of good old fashioned American shorts to let those foreigners know that you're an athlete who will have no problem running them down should they try to steal your fanny pack!



Speaking of, you'll want some comfortable shoes to go viewing all those tourist attractions. A comfortable white athletic shoe is a must. Nike, Reebok, Adidas, Puma, British Knights and etc. can help you out here.



A comfortable t-shirt will aid you in conveying the message that you are not to be trifled with. This is the logo I sported on my last trip to Mexico. Vulgar word warning.

Language barriers can be so bothersome when trying to get those heathens to do what you tell them to. Remember this. They all speak American. They might pretend like they don't, but they are liars by their nature. What you need to do as an American, is to speak louder to jog their memory! The louder you talk, the faster they will comply with your demands. This one works best in restaurants. Lots of finger snapping, shaking your empty glass and whistling too.

All women from third world countries are prostitutes. When trying to save them or speak to them, waving cash in front of them is customary. You aren't going to actually give them any, but it's a sure fire way to drive whatever your point is home or get your question answered.

What other advice do you have for the would be American in a foreign country?

[Rev. Jim Osborne]

Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad.

Those are some excellent tips. As someone who has extensively traveled the world, particularily the red-light districts of Rio and Bangkok for special evangelical work, I know first-hand of what it takes to get around.

• Politeness and manners might mean a lot in the USA, but overseas you can shed it. No more "thank yous" or recognizing people who open the door for you. Remember: Brown people are there to serve you. That is what God made them for.
• Don't be afraid to show off that you're American. Going beyond the fanny packs, maybe a good Wal-Mart T-shirt with an eagle against an American flag is perfect for showing people where you're from. America is #1 and they respect that. It's also helpful in France where people treat you kinder knowing you're from the country that single-handedly liberated them from Nazi control.
• American dollars mean more than local currency. Don't convert all your cash. Have several hundred dollar American bills to wave around. When people in these impoverished nations see a rich American, they bow at their feet. Also don't worry about pickpockets...no criminal is going to risk stealing some American money over the possibility of being bombed by the Air Force the next day.
• Don't drink the water. Don't even eat the local cuisine. As tempting as exotic fare may look, it's surefire to give you bad diarrhea. Eat only at American establishments like McDonalds or KFC...that is good, healthy food you can trust.
• Feel free to get drunk. Other nations aren't so hard on "drunk driving" and "public intoxication" and are much more tolerant of people who have had way too many. Take advantage of this. Stroll around town in a completely inebriated state.
• Laugh at the strange customs around you. If you see some "Funeral March for the Sacred Pig", take pictures and make some jokes. These people don't mind...otherwise, why would they put on such ridiculous rituals in public in the first place?

These are just some more tips for the overseas traveler. I live by them and so should you.

[devils advocate]

Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad.

While in France I just tried to be respectful and courteous to all I encountered. Most foreign countries hate the stereotypical American (loud & obnoxious). I met many French people who wanted nothing to do with America, and now after meeting them they really want to come and visit

IMHO Just be respectful. Essentially treat others as you'd want to be treated. If a tourist from France came here and acted a muck, we'd be annoyed. It's easy to get along with foreigners when they know your trying to adapt to & learn their culture.

I don't really agree with the previous comments, none of those would get you around Europe easily, I don't think you'd get out of the terminal if you started waiving American flags and stuff

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad.

Many countries with supply problems have a queueing system. This system only applies to the natives. As an American you will be supplying much needed foreign currency, so feel free to walk to the head of the queue and, if asked for an explanation, just tell them you're for the Good, Ol' US of A and pay in dollars.

[James Hutchins]

Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad.

While in France I just tried to be respectful and courteous to all I encountered. Most foreign countries hate the stereotypical American (loud & obnoxious). I met many French people who wanted nothing to do with America, and now after meeting them they really want to come and visit

They do not hate Americans, that simply is not possible. What they are is jealous of the bounty all true Americans have. Of course French people want to come to the USA, everyone does.

IMHO Just be respectful. Essentially treat others as you'd want to be treated. If a tourist from France came here and acted a muck, we'd be annoyed. It's easy to get along with foreigners when they know your trying to adapt to & learn their culture.

We are Americans, we saved these countries in WW1 and WW2. I think the respect concept you have is a bit reversed pal. They should be polishing my shoes while I am in the mens room! Why should we learn their culture? When they come here, they want us to learn their culture, speak their language, eat their food. Well, Frenchy, that is not going to happen. I speak American, I drive on the right side of the road and I eat American food no matter where I go. You do not like it, then tough noogies!

I don't really agree with the previous comments, none of those would get you around Europe easily, I don't think you'd get out of the terminal if you started waiving American flags and stuff

You are entitled to be wrong, that is one of the many freedoms an American is entitled to. If someone harasses me anywhere I go, there would be bodies in my wake. I do not take crap from anybody.

[Brother Temperance]

Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad.

As someone who's lived in non-America for many years now, my advice for Americans travelling abroad is quite simply this: DON'T. If foreign countries were that good, they'd be part of America by now. If being America is good enough for Hawaii and Alaska, it's good enough for everywhere else worth visiting.

While in France I just tried to be respectful and courteous to all I encountered.

Those "people" eat snails and don't know whether they exist or not. I don't think it's even possible to disrespect a French"man".

[Larry Lee]

Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad.

As someone who's lived in non-America for many years now, my advice for Americans travelling abroad is quite simply this: DON'T. If foreign countries were that good, they'd be part of America by now. If being America is good enough for Hawaii and Alaska, it's good enough for everywhere else worth visiting.

Excellent advise! Besides, if one has a desire to experience Europe, all one needs to do is visit Disney World or Las Vegas, where authentic European sights can be enjoyed without the drafts, funny food and female body hair.

[HTannor]

Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad.

All excellent suggestions.

But I won't be able to follow them.

I chose to vacation right here at home. I want my hard-earned money to go to my fellow Americans to help their profit margins.

For example, I recently returned from my annual tour of Nascar tracks. I always support Dale Jr., and figure his family really needs the money to continue their modest lifestyle.

Take Roger Penske, for example. He needs all our support now that he has purchased Saturn from General Motors. He needs every penny he can get to be able to keep that brand alive.

Mark Martin can always use some extra money to continue his Viagra(c) treatments.

So you see, my fellow travelers, we can all make choices when it comes to travel distinations. And if you chose to visit places knee deep in homers, such as England or Greece, be my guest.

If you want to go to papist-loving Italy, so be it.

If "south of the border" is your destination, I pity your choice. Oh, and take a kevlar vest with you.

Don't even get me started on the Islamofascist countries.

Or the ones with all the chinks and gooks.

Germany might be okay sometime in the future, but only after they get themselves properly re-armed AND pick another fight with Poland.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad.

"Forrin-types" (as they like to be called) tend to suffer from historical amnesia, but they will treat you better once you jog their memory as to what Americans have done for them. Try to focus on what the people really value highly, and remind them that Americans gave it to them.

For example, Greeks like democracy, so remind them that Americans invented democracy. In Russia, Poland and so on they value sacrifice. Remind them how much Americans sacrificed to save them in WW2. Middle Easterners loves guns and depend on oil, both of which we invented.

Just don't try to tell the French how we invented capitalism, the French don't even have words for "enterpreneur" or "laizzez-faire".

[christian kid]

Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad.

you sir levi jones amuse me win you are the internet.you rev. Jim osborne are racist like who say brown people are there to serve you. I don't think god put them there for that. And not all women in third world countries are prostitutes. You guys just sound like the oppsite of someone who will be going to heaven. You sound like a person who needs to keep there thoughts to themselves.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad.

you sir levi jones amuse me win you are the internet.you rev. Jim osborne are racist like who say brown people are there to serve you. I don't think god put them there for that. And not all women in third world countries are prostitutes. You guys just sound like the oppsite of someone who will be going to heaven. You sound like a person who needs to keep there thoughts to themselves.

Please make a thread of your own in the "Introductions" section of the forum, so that we can properly greet you. Tell us about yourself, your church, and how you came to find Jesus.

And if you're here to flame us, better take a look at THIS before making an even bigger ass out of yourself.

[BelieverInGod]

Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad.

"Forrin-types" (as they like to be called) tend to suffer from historical amnesia, but they will treat you better once you jog their memory as to what Americans have done for them. Try to focus on what the people really value highly, and remind them that Americans gave it to them.

This reminds me of a funny story a friend of mine that worked for Schlumberger (Texas based, just a funny name) told me. He said he was listening to the ranting of some towel head who was going on about the evils of America and how America should just get out of the middle east. The funny thing was, they were sitting in a KFC while the guy was going on about this. So my friend finally spoke up and said "You know, if we leave, we're taking ALL our stuff (restaurants, cars, oil rigs) with us." Well I can tell you that Mr. Towel Head was not too happy about that.

For example, Greeks like democracy, so remind them that Americans invented democracy. In Russia, Poland and so on they value sacrifice. Remind them how much Americans sacrificed to save them in WW2. Middle Easterners loves guns and depend on oil, both of which we invented.

Just don't try to tell the French how we invented capitalism, the French don't even have words for "enterpreneur" or "laizzez-faire".

So true Brother. However I think I'll stick with Brothers Temperance and Tannor and keep my feet firmly planted on North American soil.

[David Ben Ahzea]

Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad.

Here on the Isle of Sodd, we discourage all visitors except American Baptists. Most of these have Scottish roots and have come to visit their distant relatives in the MacAskew and MacStrapp clans. They make a fine impression, clad as they usually are in Korean-made kilts, in imaginative fluorescent variants of their clan tartan, and genially shouting "Hey, Mac, this scotch is lousy, got any JD there?" at mine* host in the No Papes Here Arms. Our visitors enjoy photographing the islanders at work, at play and in copulo, availing themselves of the island tradition of hospitality by just walking right in to the cottages and snapping anything that takes their interest.


* a figure of speech. Of course I personally do not drink alcoholic beverages. At all. Ever. And even the best-named bar is a haunt of Satan.

[eliot mayfield]

Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad.

As an American who has lived overseas missionarying for Jesus let me add to the excellent advice already on offer here.
Always talk as loud as possible. It let's any other Americans in the area hear you and join you, for there is safety in numbers.
Always wear a flag motif and the fanny pack is indeed a must.
Every time you see a gypsy, start screaming "Police, police!" They will run away and the others will learn to leave you alone.
Always compare the local building to those back home, loudly.
In museums, never be afraid to ask the guide loudly, so they will answer, "What is this about? I don't get it." You paid to understand the paintings, make them explain it.
Never be afraid to ask the important things, like while in a castle, "How much does it cost to heat this place, anyway?"
Most Americans will be thrilled to hear you and join you in a public prayer. But there are some Americans who won't be. Please rebuke them loudly! They are called
expats!

http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=4305&

[Aaron]

Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad.

Brother Levi, your advice is most welcome and reassuring when faced with the terrors of travelling abroad

I must commend you on yours and others excellent travel advice, if I had been fortunate to read this before embarking on my own nightmare I may have realised the full gravity of my decision

My I offer a few of my own hard learned lessons;

Ask the natives to convert prices into real currency. The mumbo jumbo clam shell trickery they use is only to deceive us

Wear tube socks and plaid. They are an alternative to cash and are readily exchanged for goods and services

When assessing meal portions, be critical. Most third world hellholes will attempt a slight of hand here. Hold your ground and demand regulation portion control, you may also insist on helping at this point. You can be confident they will appreciate the tuition

If required threaten legal action. Don't be discouraged by blank, confused looks, this is all a ruse


I hope these are of some benefit