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  • #1

    Manly Jokes

    Since we are alone here, I thought I'd share a few of my favorite jokes with you guys. Feel free to post your own.

    Q: What do 10,000 "abused" women have in common?

    A: They just wouldn't listen!



    Q: What do you say to a woman with two black-eyes?

    A: Nothing - you already told her twice!...


    Q: Whats the first thing a beaten wife should do after coming back from hospital after the last "incident"?

    A: The dishes if she know's whats good for her.
    Who Will Jesus Damn?

    Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

    Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

    Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
    Tags: domestic violence, fun, jokes
  • #2
    Re: Manly Jokes

    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it

    If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
    Made her chain too long

    What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
    Pregnant.

    2 women and a man are standing by a fast river when the grim reaper comes says to them that either they cross the river or he kills them, the first women dives in an d drowns immedietly. the second women jumps in and makes it half way across but drowns. the grim reaper says to the man, now what will you do, and the man says, i'll go across the bridge

    Comment

    • #3
      Re: Manly Jokes

      A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
      The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.
      Psalm 81:10:
      I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt:
      open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.

      Comment

      • #4
        Re: Manly Jokes

        50 things women can't do

        01. Know anything about a car except its color
        02. Understand a film plot
        03. Go 24 hours without sending a text message
        04. Lift
        05. Throw
        06. Run
        07. Park
        08. Fart
        09. Read a map
        10. Rob a bank
        11. Resist Ikea
        12. Sit still
        13. Tell a joke
        14. Play pool
        15. Pay for dinner
        16. Eat a pizza whilst walking
        17. Pee out of a train window
        18. Argue without shouting
        19. Get told off without crying
        20. Understand fruit machines
        21. Walk past a shoe shop
        22. Make a decent bacon sandwich
        23. Not comment on a stranger’s clothes
        24. Use small amounts of toilet paper
        25. Let you sleep with a hangover
        26. Drink a pint gracefully
        27. Get a round in
        28. Throw a punch
        29. Do magic
        30. Like your friends
        31. Enjoy porn
        32. Eat a really hot curry
        33. Get to the point
        34. Buy plain envelopes
        35. Take less than 20 minutes in the toilet
        36. Sit in a room for five minutes without saying "I'm cold"
        37. Go shopping without telephoning 20 friends
        38. Avoid credit card debt
        39. Dive into a pool
        40. Assemble furniture
        41. Roll a booger between finger and thumb
        42. Set a DVD recorder
        43. Not try and change you
        44. Watch a war film
        45. Understand why flirting results in violence
        46. Spend a day by themselves
        47. Go to the toilet by themselves
        48. Buy a wallet that fits in their pocket
        49. Choose any clothes quickly
        50. Get this far without having argued with at least 1 of the above
        sigpic


        “We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

        Author of such illuminating essays as,
        Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.

        Comment

        • #5
          Re: Manly Jokes

          A few days ago, I was out with my wife and I asked her opinion....


          Sometimes, I just crack myself up
          Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
          Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
          Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
          Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
          Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
          Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.

          Comment

          • #6
            Re: Manly Jokes

            What do you call the worthless piece of skin around the vagina?

            A woman.




            Why do women have legs?

            That way they don't leave a slug trail.
            Christians are superior because we possess an understanding that unbelievers lack. It is through the Power of Jesus only the converted mind is able to understand what is going on in the world; what the Communists are really up to; what Satan's intentions are. Most unbelievers do not even believe in Satan and cannot understand his tactics.


            sigpic

            Comment

            • #7
              Re: Manly Jokes

              Now...Heres the difference between a Mans Visit to the ATM, and a womens.


              Men:

              1- Drive to the bank, park, go to the Cash Dispenser

              2- Insert card

              3- Dial code and desired amount

              4- Take the cash and the card

              5- Return to car, drive away

              ************************************************

              Women:

              1-Drive to the bank

              2-Check make-up in the mirror

              3- Apply perfume

              4- Manually check haircut

              5- Park car - failure, retry

              6- Park car - failure, retry

              7- Park car - success

              8- Search for the card in the handbag

              9- Insert card, rejected by the machine

              10- Throw phone card back in handbag

              11- look for bank card

              12- Insert card

              13- Look for piece of paper where secret code is written in handbag

              14- Enter code

              15-Study instructions for 2 minutes

              16- #Cancel#

              17- Re-enter code

              18- #Cancel#

              19- Call husband to get correct code

              20- Enter desired amount

              21- #Error#

              22- Enter smaller amount

              23- #Error#

              24- Enter maximum amount

              25- Cross fingers

              26- Take cash

              27- Go back to the car

              28- Check make-up in rear mirror

              29- Look for keys in handbag

              30- Start car

              31- Drive 50 yards

              32- STOP

              33- Drive back to bank machine

              34- Get out of the car

              35- Take card back from machine

              36- Go back to the car

              37- Throw card on passenger seat

              38- Check make-up in rear mirror

              39- Manually check haircut

              40- Go into roundabout - wrong way

              41- Brake, reverse

              42- Go into roundabout - right way

              43- Drive 5 miles

              44- Remove hand brake

              Comment

              • #8
                Re: Manly Jokes

                Originally posted by Levi Jones View Post
                What do you call the worthless piece of skin around the vagina?

                A woman. .


                Women are equals, YOU IDIOTS !

                Comment

                • #9
                  Re: Manly Jokes

                  Originally posted by rightpathtaker View Post
                  Women are equals, YOU IDIOTS !
                  Care to back that up with Scripture, boy?

                  And who asked for your unsaved opinion anyway?
                  Who Will Jesus Damn?

                  Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

                  Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

                  Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    Re: Manly Jokes

                    How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

                    When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."
                    Matthew 7:15
                    Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.

                    Comment

                    • #11
                      Re: Manly Jokes

                      Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

                      So that they don't look like lezbean feminazis.
                      Joshua 24:15
                      And if it seem evil unto you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.

                      Comment

                      • #12
                        Re: Manly Jokes

                        How do you convert a dishwasher to a snowplow?









                        Give the bitch a shovel
                        May you be a blessing to every life you touch.

                        Comment

                        • #13
                          Re: Manly Jokes

                          Why do women have breasts?



                          So men have something to look at while they're talking.
                          Matthew 7:15
                          Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.

                          Comment

                          • #14
                            Re: Manly Jokes

                            why do women wear white on their wedding day?

                            so the dishwasher matches the fridge
                            Upon the wicked he shall rain snares, fire and brimstone, and an horrible tempest: this shall be the portion of their cup. (Psalm 11:6)

                            GOD HATES FAGS
                            Romans 1:18-32, 1 Corinthians 6:9-11, 1 Timothy 1:8-11, Jude 7, etc
                            DEATH PENALTY FOR FAGS

                             WHITE AND PROUD

                            Comment

                            • #15
                              Re: Manly Jokes

                              I believe the Bible doesn't specificate which kind of fruit Eve got from the Tree, but given the obsessive lust for chocolate that all women share, it must have been a cocoa bean.
                              Sweet Lord Jesus,
                              I want to pray for those who persecute me, my Lord.
                              Please, treat their children as you treated those of Egypt, when they upset you! (Psalm 135:8-9)
                              Dash their little children against the stones for their fathers iniquity! (Psalm 137:8-9)
                              Hit them on the cheek, and smash out their teeth! (Psalm 3:7)
                              Make their death and descent into Hell swift and terrible! (Psalm 55:15)
                              Scatter their broken bodies over the streets of their evil cities, like Benghazi, Amsterdam, Tokyo and Mecca! (Psalm 110:6)
                              Praised be Your Glorious Name™.

                              Amen.

                              Comment

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