HELP! Got a priapism while watching Passion of the Christ!

[Jedediah]

IF YOU ARE NOT A MALE MEMBER OF OUR CONGREGATION, STOP READING NOW.








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Brothers, I can't sleep, and I don't know where else to go. Earlier this evening, my sons and I were watching The Passion of the Christ. Long story short, I've had an erection for the last 6 hours and it's not showing any sign of going away. I would normally take this as an opportunity so sire another son upon my wife, but she is on her unclean time. I've tried calling up three different Pastors, but none of them are answering their phones.

What do I do? I finally broke down and called that pervert Dr. Golding in Des Moines, and he told me I have a priapism. If I don't do something about it soon, they'll have to cut off my tallywhacker! I am reticent to go to the secular emergency room so that those perverts can try to put moves on me.

What do I do???

[Redeemed Papist]

Re: HELP! Got a priapism while watching Passion of the Christ!

There's this thing called viagra that the Nigerians try to sell via spam. It's a devil drug that does just that to a man so he will be tempted to fornicate or worse.

Are you totally sure one of your sons hasn't slipped you a tablet in your food as a prank or something? I would seriously consider standing over them and demanding the truth while brandishing the rod.

[Jedediah]

Re: HELP! Got a priapism while watching Passion of the Christ!

I normally get a bit excited when the Romans start to scourge Jesus. That's not unusual. In fact, most Christians I've talked to about it have a similar experience. It's just that.... it's not going away, and it hurts.

I'm seriously about to lose it here.

[Redeemed Papist]

Re: HELP! Got a priapism while watching Passion of the Christ!

Have you tried looking at a picture of Hilary Clinton?

[HTannor]

Re: HELP! Got a priapism while watching Passion of the Christ!

I find this whole discussion rather alarming.

It would appear that I was suffering from priapism for a goodly share of my life and never knew it was a medical condition.

I was well into my forties before I found out that "Mr. Johnson's" natural state was looking at my shoes.

[MisterM]

Re: HELP! Got a priapism while watching Passion of the Christ!

Maybe you should have concubine to take care of that? Bible does mentions concubines many times. Of course you would first need opinion of Senior Pastor

YiC, M

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: HELP! Got a priapism while watching Passion of the Christ!

Brother, I just flew in from Hong Kong where I was attempting to spread God's word to a group of wealthy slants. I can meet you in my private study in 15 minutes, and I promise that I can take care of that problem of yours. I'm an hand at that kind of service.

[diablo666]

Re: HELP! Got a priapism while watching Passion of the Christ!

I can meet you in my private study in 15 minutes, and I promise that I can take care of that problem of yours. I'm an hand at that kind of service.

The both of you are going to hell for being flaming homosexuals. An erect penis in the presence of men means you're gay. Offering a handjob is even gayer.

[Redeemed Papist]

Re: HELP! Got a priapism while watching Passion of the Christ!

The both of you are going to hell for being flaming homosexuals. An erect penis in the presence of men means you're gay. Offering a handjob is even gayer.

Did you just accuse True Christians™ of being homosexual? All Pastors are screened from gayness by the Holy Spirit from what they must sometimes do to cleanse sin from those they lay hands on to heal. You would know this if you weren't some desperate hedonist bent on turning people to Satan.

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: HELP! Got a priapism while watching Passion of the Christ!

The both of you are going to hell for being flaming homosexuals. An erect penis in the presence of men means you're gay. Offering a handjob is even gayer.

What is with the unsaved they see gay stuff every where. They are just obsessed with it.

[James Hutchins]

Re: HELP! Got a priapism while watching Passion of the Christ!

The both of you are going to hell for being flaming homosexuals. An erect penis in the presence of men means you're gay. Offering a handjob is even gayer.

Is everything a penis with you people? Just because a man is in a truck stop restroom, tapping his toe to a little ditty he heard on True Christian Radio(c) does not mean that he wants a glory hole handjob from you.

You perverts horrify me!

[Thomas Dalton]

Re: HELP! Got a priapism while watching Passion of the Christ!

Brother Jedidiah, my deepest sympathy. I believe you do have to be careful with this situation: If you have them operating on your tallywacker, they may make a mistake and you may turn into a gay Atheist! (A bit of a pleonasm, of course, to make my point clear.)

Deuteronomy 23:1-3: He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

I would recommend vigorous praying to pray the priapism away. And beating your wife with an utensil of your choice, since it's probably her fault this happened to begin with.

[Jedediah]

Re: HELP! Got a priapism while watching Passion of the Christ!

I would recommend vigorous praying to pray the priapism away.

It's okay. I think....

I lanced it.

It's looking pretty rough, though, and if any more of the flesh starts turning grey, I think I'll have to ask the men of the church over to conduct a laying-on-of-hands.

Mark 16:18
They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover.