Dear True Christians: Your diversity statements are problematic

[Social Construct]

As the undocumented Human Resources Department at Freehold Truth And Light, it has been my duty to take your Diversity Statements.

I don't even know where to begin to describe how problematic they are, so I will simply post them here:

What's diversee-T? That a kind of shirt? I stopped wearing my wife-beater to work, when will you people get off my back?

I'm an intern, so my paychecks are very diverse. Sometimes I get paid nada, sometimes zilch, sometimes niets...

Dude, you just found my browser history, didn't you? You already know there's every combination of interracial action in there except spider-sex. This statement is just wasting time when I could be "working"

I play bassoon and captain intramural hockey and do charity work in Uganda every morning and run French club on weekends. And get a GPA 4.0 (whatever that is). Plus I'm savvy enough to collect the appropriate number of participation badges. Well, not really, but I did sign up for these things to tick the box, it's not like you care if I actually attend, right?

I'm working at the meat-packing plant so count me as "working with unfortunate animals".

I haven't exactly kept records but I know I have a black friend and I pick up trash around the neighborhood sometimes.

I'm actually an unpaid intern, do I have to do this? I'll talk about my college: my department is made up of 27 Chinese guys, 2 Chinese women, an Eh'rab and me (186 freckles last count). All the heads are Chinese. Most of the senior staff are Chinese. All the heads of neighboring departments are Chinese. To do my part for diversity I'll try to find a Chinese person to replace me.

Do Australians count as an ethnic minority? I met some, and they're weird enough. Wearing cowboy hats, yet talking funny. If they're not a minority they should be.

If you have to do your own diversity statement, I can write a letter telling I am your third world friend. It will cost you 300 US dollars, and of course I can add gayness and some kind of disability for a few more bucks.

I punched a nazi once. I don't know if he was really nazi-nazi, but I disagreed with him and I know he's white because he didn't come back and shoot me.

My statement is "screw diversity".

Went to that Wop place. Ate spageddee. Didn't puke. Where's my parade?

I would love, love love to answer your question but I'm so busy playing first violin at the Boston Philharmonic (It might be Philadelphia? All cities look the same in the dark) and running a basketball clinic for troubled youth in Chicago.

It's sad how little time I have for my volunteer work in molecular chemistry at some Swiss college, especially since I only have one spare kidney to donate to my seven Romanian foster children.

I won't even mention my firefighting work in Brazil as well as my part-time responsibilities as a mohel.

As a front-line journalist, I get my information from diverse sources. I used to only use twitter, but now I also use TikTok.

I'm not sure if I'm at the point where I would let my daughter marry one, but if my son got an opportunity to do some heavy petting with the girl from the Gangnam Style video, I think I would tolerate it.

[_The Earthling_]

Re: Your diversity statements are problematic

You must forgive them, as carbon-based lifeforms their existence is limited to a mere googleplex of multiverses, and you just can't have diverse experiences in such a backwater.

I don't really work for the paper, but I've done some freelance photography (you'll remember the unpublished historical re-enactment of Anthony Weiners, um, stuff).

Anyway, if I gave you my statement you would not believe it, so instead here's some selections from a master of the genre:

I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas... I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants...When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding....Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire.... My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me....

I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery....

On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami...I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin....

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: Your diversity statements are problematic

As the undocumented Human Resources Department at Freehold Truth And Light, it has been my duty to take your Diversity Statements.

Well, dear, nobody took mine (or, much more significantly, my husband's) which suggests that your sample was totally unrepresentative of the quite extraordinary commitment to diversity of the Landover Baptist congregation.

Please do let me know if you care to learn the ways in which my husband's family contributes to global understanding. I am happy to post them here. And please read the answers you list again, trying (if only this once) to put your own prejudices and quite understandable inferiority complex aside.

[handmaiden]

Re: Your diversity statements are problematic

I can't say for sure if this really counts as a diversity statement, but I have dealt with my share of obnoxious fundamentalists--particularly DC Comics and Star Trek fundamentalists.

Two such individuals were going on about sticking to "The Cannon" to preserve the purity of their world views or whatever.


I knew that they were wasting everyone's time so the next day I came back with a mint condition copy of Batman #16 from the Spring of 1943. I set it on fire right there in front of them and explained that they were going to hell in a similar manner and they shut up very quickly.


Never heard any more nonsense about comic books and science fiction television shows after that.


Sometimes I do miss working in a library.

[Social Construct]

Re: Your diversity statements are problematic

if you care to learn the ways in which my husband's family contributes to global understanding. I am happy to post them here.

It was supposed to be anonymous, but since everyone else is doing it, and since diversity is all about doing what everyone else is doing, go ahead.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: Your diversity statements are problematic

It was supposed to be anonymous, but since everyone else is doing it, and since diversity is all about doing what everyone else is doing, go ahead.

What you're saying appears internally inconsistent, so I shall ask my husband when/if he has both the time and inclination to deal with the question. Please don't hold your breath. Or (obviously) do, if you prefer. I don't mean to prescribe your behavior.

[Basilissa]

Re: Your diversity statements are problematic

I hire Mexican gardeners and maids. They are cheap and nobody understands their complaints!

Once, I've given a dollar to a homeless veteran (it was a Canadian dollar, but I'm sure he was able to figure out where to exchange it).

I sometimes go to charity balls organized by doctors - something about medical care of the unwashed hordes in the third world. These people know how to party! The doctors' wives always wear the most beautiful gold and diamonds jewelry! With fancy dinner and live entertainment at a very exclusive hotel, I'm sure that about a dollar from the $100 ticket actually goes to the charitable cause, right?

I volunteered for a few hours once at a local soup kitchen. As I was serving the thing that was supposed to be a soup, I wore very tasteful jewelry (nothing crazy, very simple platinum and yellow diamonds earrings, necklace, and bracelet set, and just a few matching rings), so I'm sure the smelly lazy bums appreciated that a person of my stature was helping them!

And, of course, I assist our Godly Pastors on missionary trips to South America, helping to bring more souls to Jesus one donation at a time.

Wow! I do a lot for those who are too lazy to pull themselves by the bootstraps, don't I? Just writing this list down makes me feel so good about myself!

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Re: Your diversity statements are problematic

I sometimes go to charity balls organized by doctors - something about medical care of the unwashed hordes in the third world. These people know how to party!

YES! I mean, yes those are my favorite gigs. I get immense pleasure from giving to the poor in Pattaya.

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: Dear True Christians: Your diversity statements are problematic

I play bassoon and captain intramural hockey and do charity work in Uganda every morning with the girl from the Gangnam Style video

Perhaps at this thyme of year a seasonal reminder would be wholly appreciated by ethnics who may not celebrate Christmas themselves. The following medley includes highlights from Gangnam for dancing in the aisle.dubstep for Uganda and a lovely bassoon ensemble. A great start for any event.in.selfless support of those less firtunate.

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Re: Dear True Christians: Your diversity statements are problematic

Ahhhhh bassoon, or "tonguing the old brown tube" as my school master used to say. Everyone had to learn it in those days. Wonderful memories, thank you Sister.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: Your diversity statements are problematic

I care a lot. I care about the rights of women in Muslim-majority countries, I care about all black shooting victims (not just the tiny minority shot by police), I care about the poor in Venezuela, and the poor in Cuba and North Korea. I care about the majority of hate crime victims - Jews attacked by blacks. I care about the plight of animals in Korea, the Middle East, Eskimo "nations", India, China, well, everywhere they encounter non-White people. I support white privilege studies. I care about the oceans. I care about school shootings. I care a lot about the demographic that suffers more child abuse, workplace deaths, murder, homelessness, imprisonment, conscription, suicide, and untimely death in general - males.

I care a lot.

It was supposed to be androgynous

Fixed it for you.

[Dolores de Barriga]

Re: Dear True Christians: Your diversity statements are problematic

I consider myself to be a decent person, but I'm too busy with academic life to do anything that would really advance diversity - but I'm from Spain, so people believe I'm a Latina and leave me alone.

However, when recently pressed with an obligation to write a diversity statement at my university, I used Jaded Aid a my, well, aid. Playing this game gives some truly epic diversity statement possibilities.

[Sally Paulson]

Re: Dear True Christians: Your diversity statements are problematic

I do my bit to fight the idea that men are entitled to sex.

Every time I see a nerd I wiggle my [loins] and remind him that he's going to die a virgin. Except when it's my son, then I don't wiggle my [loins].

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: Dear True Christians: Your diversity statements are problematic

My views only represent the Mayor's office and there may be those in Freehold who have other views. In fact, some of the rather argumentative women at the Senior Citizen Center remind me there are other views.

In Freehold, we welcome diversity. But, we have standards. People of other colors or cultures need to improve themselves before the welcome mat is out. We allow people who speak languages other than English--but they need to speak perfect English before they are welcome.

People of the darker skin tones who come from darker places in the world can have a good life in Freehold. They need to recognize the only jobs available to them are in grounds keeping.

When it comes to diversity, count Freehold in.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: Dear True Christians: Your diversity statements are problematic

Herman Cain's thread has been moved here.

In Freehold, we welcome diversity.

To a fault. Looks like City Hall has been too welcoming in its hiring/contracting: